What's in a name?

I was asked several times why I chose Corbyn's name by several people. I had people that either hated his name and wouldn't hide it when they would ask me why the name Corbyn, and then there were others that loved his name. I loved it. I thought it is a very masculine name that was good for an adult as well as a child. You know those names that you hear a baby having and all you think of was your grandparents friends or an adult's name that all you can think of is a little child running around instead of an adult? I thought the name Corbyn was neither of those. I never had a good answer as to why I chose that name for him when people would ask me so I would just say that Brock and I liked it. All of my baby's names have just come to me/us. They haven't come from a baby name list or book. With Addyson's name I distinctly remember standing in the grocery line at Macy's pregnant with Addy and the name Addyson Mari just popped into my head. When I asked Brock what he thought he said he liked it. It wasn't until later that I started hearing her name EVERYWHERE! I have thought several times about changing her name, but I never could because I knew that was her name that she was supposed to have. I never looked up the meaning of my children's names to see if they meant anything, so to me that didn't matter. My mother's instinct knew that their names were supposed to be what they are. It wasn't until after Corbyn passed that I my brother sent me the meaning of Corby's name that he found in a book that he was studying. He sent me the picture of the page so that I could read it myself.

When I read it I was brought to tears. I couldn't believe it! I had just got done reading a book called Your Endowment by Mark A. Shields that talked about how the temple was Heaven on earth that those two words are interchangeable. So when I read that Corban was dedicated to the temple it was a reassurance to me that he was meant for Heaven. That he was only my possession for a specified period and that period was only 411 days. It brought comfort to my heart and reassured to me that everything certainly does happen for a reason. I know now that Corby was supposed to be named that more than ever before. Brock was the one that came up with his name as we were sitting in the hospital after having Corby wondering what we were going to call him. We looked at all the baby name lists and nothing stuck with us. Just out of the blue he says to me "What about Corbin but change it to have a 'Y' "? We wanted to have all our babies have a 'Y' in their name. I immediately fell in love with it and knew that was supposed to be his name.
It doesn't stop there with the names though.... After we knew what we were going to name our third baby and we started telling people we got the same thing of people either hating it or loving it. The questions also followed along with hearing his name for the first time of why did we choose that name etc. I dreamt Ledgyr's name and woke up wide awake at 3:30 in the morning one morning knowing what our baby's name was supposed to be. I ran it by Brock and he immediately loved it as well. He asked me where I came up with that and I told him that I dreamt it. He made the comment that all our baby's names have just come to me. We didn't know why we needed to name him Ledgyr other than we liked the name. It too is masculine and works for a child as well as an adult. Plus it wasn't popular like Addy's name is so that was another positive to it. I didn't think to look up the meaning of Ledgyr's name, either, so I never did.
A couple of weeks ago my grandfather passed away and along came the emotions of loss and helplessness flooding back. I had just decorated Corby's grave for Christmas a few days prior, but needed to add his LED lights to his wreaths so I went to his grave with Addy and Ledgyr. We sat there at the cemetery for quite a while just talking about Corby and Grandpa. It breaks my heart that Addy knows about death all too well. I was so beyond emotional and it was comforting to have her there to keep me grounded so to not loose it completely.  My parents were on their way home from the hospital after saying their last goodbyes and stopped at the cemetery as well. My dad and I were talking and I was crying about how unfair death is and I wish that we never had to experience it. Also how much I hated the fact that I had to be at the cemetery at all. That it was always on my mind that I needed to go there and visit because I had my baby there. We started talking about how Ledgyr has been such a great thing for all of us, and I explained to my dad the meaning of a rainbow baby. He thought that was a perfect description for a baby after a loss. He then asked me the question why I named him Ledgyr. My first thought was great he doesn't like it and wants to know why such a special baby got such a dumb name in his book. I told him I didn't know other than I dreamt it. He asked me if I had ever looked up the meaning of ledger. I told him no and all I could think of was a ledger book. He has been in construction for as long as I can remember and there is also a ledger in construction. He told me the construction meaning of a ledger is a support member for other members of the structure. He figured that I chose Ledgyr's name based on the fact that he was brought here to support our family after such a horrendous earthquake that almost crumbled us into a heaping pile of mess.  I was again brought to tears and couldn't believe that there was such an important meaning to another of my child's names. I now know that my Heavenly Father has a hand in everything in our lives all the way down to what our names are. We may never know why we name our children what we do, but I am so grateful I have been able to find out why for two of my children.

Angels among us

Today I have felt a little down and really not wanting to talk with people and act like I’m ok. It’s been a hard last couple of days. On Thanksgiving I didn’t want to even get out of bed. I didn’t want to be around people and act like I was so thankful. I had one thought that consumed every other thought in my head that day and that was that I didn't have my son with me to enjoy this holiday. It wasn’t before noon that I finally got out of bed. I figured I needed to since we were at Brock’s grandparents house that live in Idaho, but every emotion inside of me was making it really hard and I really didn’t want to. I spent the entire day looking at pictures and videos of Corby. There is one video that is of him laughing and I kept playing it over and over again closing my eyes wishing that giggle was out in the living room playing with his sister and cousins. 

The rest of the week was ok and I was able to be stronger. It helped quite a bit to talk with Brock’s grandma Cordingley since she too has lost one of her children. I felt like I could connect with her and she understood my pain- my tremendously unbearable heartache. I felt like I could talk with her and she wouldn’t judge me and act like it was a taboo subject let alone was uncomfortable to even bring up Corby’s name. That helped a lot. I started to come down with an illness Sunday and haven’t felt good for a couple of days now. For some reason it has made me feel more sad and depressed. 

Heavenly father knew that I needed some angels today. My morning started out with a good friend that I grew up with text me out of the blue to let me know that she was thinking about me. The sad part is she too knows of loss. She lost her father very unexpectedly three years ago this Friday, but that didn’t stop her from thinking about my pain. It was good to text back and forth with her and talk about some of my pain with her. Then later another dear friend called seeing how I was. I didn’t answer because I really didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to talk with anyone on the phone so I just let all my calls go to voicemail.  I text her later and told her that I wasn’t up for talking or a visit since I was sick. She understood and asked if I needed anything. I told her I didn’t and she left it at that. Until she text me later telling me to check my front door step. When I opened it up there was a cup of hot chocolate, pizza, doughnuts, and the Ensign opened up to this article. She left a little note saying that article made her think of Corby. She also told me this article was a good one too. I read both of them and soaked them up. It felt good to remember that there are angels among us to help us through our trials. I know that there are spiritual angels as well as earthly angels. My two friends were prompted to contact me today and it wasn’t just a coincidence. They were my angels today.

As I read those two articles the second one stood out to me and helped remind me that my Savior and Heavenly Father are here for me. I will receive answers to my questions as to why Corby left us when the time is right. I love when the article quoted President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's October 2013 conference talk when he said “first doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith”. I needed to remember that. I’m not going to give you a Relief Society lesson on these articles, but I suggest that you read them. They really helped me. I have been doubting a lot about this whole experience and have lost my trust in my Heavenly Father. All I could focus on was how could I trust someone that took my child from me. I lost sight of the bigger picture. I NEED to trust in Him. I NEED to restore my faith in Him. I NEED Him to help me with my pain and problems. There is a question in the article that says “do I trust in God above everyone else?” Because of my medical mind I have put a lot of my trust in the medical experts more than THE expert. I’m mortal. I want to- I need to know why my baby died. The reason of, it’s part of The Plan, has been really hard for me to accept. I’m sure I will always want to know if anything took my baby from me other than just his spirit left his body, but I need to trust in God more than needing to know why. I need to not let it consume my life. My every thought. I know that this journey is an extremely hard one even when I do have His help. I can’t imagine what it would be like without Him at all.  

More days without him than with him

My baby boy has officially been gone longer than he was here on this earth with me. I just realized it tonight as I was driving home from visiting him at his grave. I hate that I have to go to his grave. I hate that I have to go to a cemetery PERIOD. I have had a lot of memories of him pop up recently. There are so many things that Ledgyr does that has brought all those memories of Corby flooding back. Now that I am home on maternity leave I have a lot of time to my thoughts. I would like to say that it’s been healing. I feel like I am spiraling deeper down and moving backwards when it comes to my grief and heartbreak. I have been told several times by numerous people that the heartbreak doesn’t go away, but you learn how to live with it better. I’m not feeling like I’m learning to live with it. I feel the same that I felt a year ago. I used to love the fall season. Now it gives me a lot of anxiety and it makes me feel like I’m going to have an anxiety attack at any moment. It feels like I’m in a small box and very claustrophobic. I can’t look around and see the beauty that I once loved about fall. I look at it and think about how this time of year was the year that my entire life, everything that I knew, fell out from underneath me and  there was no net at the bottom to catch what had fallen. It’s gone forever. I will never be able to have that same life again. I don’t like to leave my house because I have to be reminded what time of year it is by how it looks outside. I keep my blinds and curtains shut for that reason too. I don’t like to watch regular tv either to avoid the seasonal commercials. Either it’s off or Addy watches her cartoons on Netflix. It makes it so that I can go through the day without loosing my mind and being ornery with Addy for no reason. I have noticed that every time we need to leave I get frustrated with Addy for no reason. It has, just today, dawned on me as to why I do that. Just leaving my house gives me anxiety and makes me uneasy knowing what I have to look at when I get outside. I have to look at all the presents and I would be buying, all the clothes I would be picking out for him. All the people with three children living their perfect lives.  

Last night I was looking through my photo albums on Facebook looking for a baby picture of Brock to compare him to Ledgyr. I started to look through all the other albums on my page and some of those consisted of the usual albums that every young married woman has on her page: engagement pictures, bridal pictures, and wedding pictures. I couldn’t help but notice the sparkle that we both had in our eyes. The innocent happiness and us thinking that everything in our lives was perfect. I couldn’t help but think about how that innocent girl had no idea that 7 years later she would be a mother of three children, but only raising two of them on this earth. Never did that young girl think that something as earth shattering as losing a child would ever enter her life in any close proximity what so ever. Now, looking at those pictures, oh how I wish I could have that sparkle back in my eyes. I wish I could see that sparkle in my husbands eyes again. I wish most of all  that sparkle would come back in Addy’s eyes. Her, of all people, shouldn’t know this sort of tragedy at such a young age. 

I am so unbelievably happy and it's written all over my face. People have told me my whole life I smile with my eyes and show my happiness through my eyes. This is a great example. 

Brock even has that sparkle

We are just smiling. Faking it. We should be absolutely delighted that we just found out we were having a boy, but our eyes tell the world that we have underlying sadness in our hearts. That happiness sparkle that should be there isn't.

Addy's sparkle isn't even there. She's just simply smiling for the camera. 

Today, as she was writing her letter to Santa she asked Santa for “two Corby bears for mama to help make her feel better.” She went on asking for one thing for her and then a truck for Corby and toys for baby as well as many other things for other people in her family. She has such a tender heart by always thinking of others and I can see that Corby is on her mind constantly as well. 

When I told her that we were going to visit Corby I was half expecting her to get excited thinking that we were going to actually see him as she has done several other times in the past. She got excited, but she knew that we were going to visit his grave and not him physically. It made my heart ache when she got excited, but then said “mama when we go visit Corby’s grave can we play at the playground there?” I didn’t say that we were going to his grave, but just to see him. I hate that she knows what it means to go visit Corby now. She has lost that hope that he is coming back to her some day. It hurts so much to see that hope lost. I couldn’t protect Corbyn that night from death, and I can’t protect Addy from such excruciating heartache. I can’t help but feel like this is how our Savior feels about us as well. He understands the plan and can see everything happening, but he still can’t protect us from such heartache and pain. He can help ease it once tragedy does strike, but that is all he can do is ease the pain. With his heart aching just as much as ours for us. I wish I could take Addy’s pain away from her. I wish, more than anything, I could have this pain taken away completely from me, but my hope for that has been lost. I now find ways to ease through my grief by, what my grief counselor calls, grief work. One of those ways is writing. Writing out my pain and frustration for anyone that wants to read. I find this to work quite well because I can get it all out and I don’t have to have anyone interrupt my thoughts to try and offer advice. From what I have seen so far in this grief journey is that every griever want’s to talk. They NEED to talk. They don’t need to listen the majority of the time. Advice generally isn’t necessary unless it’s asked for. We usually need to just get this mess and frustration off our chest. I’m not saying that I don’t like talking with people. I do. It is good to talk with physical people as well. Sometimes, though, being able to just write and let everything spill out at once feels good too. I also feel like I walk a thin line talking about my pain with people now. Not a lot of people understand that this isn’t something you get over, and you will always need to talk about it. So I don’t like to bring it up in fear that people are going to think “not again” or “how can I get out of this conversation”. 

This time of year is hard for all of us in the grieving club. It’s a reminder of the family that isn’t here to celebrate the holidays that are celebrated with the ones they love. It’s a reminder of all the presents they won’t be buying. A time of year when they have to think really hard about all the things they are grateful for when all they have on their mind is that one family member that isn’t here to be thankful for. I challenge you to go ask a griever sincerely how they are doing. I don’t mean just walk up to them and ask them how they are. We have learned that most of the time when someone asks us that they are just trying to be polite and really don’t want to have us pour our heart out to them so we just reply that we are “good” or “ok”. Sincerely ask them how they are handling this season with their loved one gone. Ask them what they are finding to do that helps them through this time of year. Let them talk about their broken heart if they want. Even a simple letting them know you are remembering their loved on during this time of year can do wonders. You may be surprised what you learn from a griever don’t be afraid to open up and find out. We don’t bite and we aren’t contagious. 

My beautiful VBA2C

My VBA2C has been something that I was preparing for almost a year before Ledgyr was born. My first two c-sections were not necessary or due to any failure by my body. Addy was taken via c-section at 38 weeks solely because she was breech presentation. The OB used all sorts of scare tactics as to why he needed to take her at 38 weeks and me being a first time mother I listened to every one and gave my consent to have her taken via c-section. Of course now after all my research and gained knowledge, since then, I know that I could have had so many better options if I had known. Corbyn was a repeat c-section because of the AVM that I have on the pons of my brain stem that was diagnosed 14 years ago, and due to the technology back then it was unknown as to what it could or couldn't do to me when I put pressure on it while pushing during a vaginal birth. My OB and neurologist, at that time, said they didn't want to take the risk so they refused to let me have a VBAC. That is where my preparation for more than a year for Ledgyr's birth comes into play. I knew that I needed to get tests reran on me and several different physicians to look at this "thing" that was in my brain stem. I searched for several neurologists, neurosurgeons, etc. to look at me so that I could get a clear answer as to what was in my brain stem as well as if it was a possibility for me to deliver vaginally. I got all the tests done and all the physicians said that there was nothing I needed to worry about and I wouldn't have a problem delivering vaginally at all. This news came shortly after Corbyn passed away so not only did I know that I would do everything I could for me to have a successful VBA2C, but it made me want to strive to have a calm, beautiful, peaceful, spiritual birth so that I could feel Corbyn's presence there. I follow a  facebook page called ICAN ( International Cesarean Awareness Network) and on there I heard several mothers talk about how a doula can make or break you having a successful VBAC and referred to one of the doula associations to find a local doula. I went on there to read about what a doula is because, lets be honest, I had no idea what a doula was. I found one on there that I emailed asking more about it, and wondering if I could speak to her. She told me about a meet the doula night that is held at a nearby birthing center by my house and I could meet her there. Also due to my depression that I was having I had my friend footzone me one night and she referred me to a doula that she was going to hire if she was going to have her baby at the hospital, but since she opted to have him at the birthing center she didn't hire her. I looked her up and emailed her. This was my email:

Talya,

I came across your name from a friend about to deliver her baby at Arrivals Birth Services birthing center. You come highly recommended there! I live in South Ogden, but due to my attempting a VBA2C the only provider that I could find that would take me on as a patient and give me a TOLAC was Dr. Robert Silver at the U of U. Do you travel that far? If not can you recommend a doula that does go that way? A little about my situation... I am very adamant of having this little Peanut VBAC due to he/she being a rainbow baby and me not wanting my scar from my son EVER touched. I have never been given the opportunity to even go into labor due to my first child presenting breech and then a repeat with my second. I have no idea how any of this "labor stuff" works, and want the best fighting chance to give birth vaginally and feel that I need a doula to help me with that. IF you do travel to Salt Lake I would love to sit down with you and see if we connect. Feel free to give me a call or email me back. 

Thank you for your time

I wanted to be very forward with who I was going to have as my doula so that I knew that she knew what I was expecting and there weren't any questions and I wanted her to know what kind of client she was getting so she wasn't uncomfortable or have any surprises. I understood that with a doula it gets very personal and both parties needed to feel comfortable and close with each other so I needed someone that was comfortable working with a mother that is grieving from a very recent death of her child as well as stubbornly fighting for a vaginal birth. Talya came over a couple of days before the meet the doula night and Brock and I met/interviewed her and we hit it off great. I still wanted to make sure that I was picking a doula that would be best for me emotionally since Talya hadn't worked with a grieving mother before so I still went to the meet the doula night. I met with some great women and there was even a doula there that was a mother that lost a child herself. Before I met with her I thought that she would be perfect because she has been in my position before. She was wonderful to talk to, but we didn't hit it off as much as Talya and I did. I thought and prayed about it for a couple of weeks and knew that Talya was supposed to be our doula.
I also knew that I wanted to have a birth that I felt in charge of. For that to happen I wanted to have a unmedicated birth, but I also wanted to have a calm spiritual birth. To me that sounded like those two clashed and I couldn't have both. That was until I talked to my great friend that footzoned me. She told me about hypnobirthing. I looked into it and knew that was what I needed. When I talked with Talya about it she told me about Hypnobabies and she teaches a class for it. There was no question that was what I wanted to do so Brock and I signed up for it. Let me explain hypnobabies a little to you. When I tell most people about it they immediately picture someone swinging a watch in front of them and putting them into a "bark like a dog, cluck like a chicken" hypnosis. It is not like that at all. YOU are in control completely. The 6 week course teaches you how to focus your natural pain relief that your body produces to the areas that need it. THIS is what I knew was going to give me my spiritual, peaceful vaginal birth that I wanted control of. Brock and I took the class several weeks prior and I had been keeping up and practicing my hypnobabies daily with the positive affirmations and positive birthing terms. Hypnobabies helps you to focus on the good and retrains your brain to think about birth in a positive light by using birthing terms positively. For example labor is changed to birthing time. Contractions are changed to birthing waves, etc.
Now fast forward to October. I was prepared and excited for this little guy to be coming. October 11th came and went with me showing no signs of birth in the near future. I figured that this would happen since I was considered a first time mother and my body had never experienced labor before. I went to my OB appointment that Tuesday after my "guess date" and the midwife that was seeing me wanted to check me to see if I was progressing at all. During the last couple of weeks of my pregnancy I declined getting checked because I didn't want to introduce bacteria as well as I didn't want to be given false hope or feel that my body was letting me down by not progressing. This time I felt that I needed to let her check me just so that they felt comfortable letting me go longer so that I could go into labor on my own. They were starting to use the "I" word with me and it was getting me frustrated. I didn't want to be induced for several reasons. One being that my chances of a successful VBAC decrease when being induced. Also induction= pitocin and pitocin=false birthing waves which make them stronger and harder to handle and a higher chance of me needing an epidural which would make it so that I wasn't in charge of my own body anymore. So I let her check me. Well... Not only did she check me, but she stripped my membranes without my consent. Yep I was super upset and felt so defeated that she did that without asking me first. I felt like she wasn't having faith in my body or me to let me go into my birthing time on my own. I felt like I was already starting to fight for what I wanted and I didn't want a fight. I got done with my appointment and called Talya crying. Yeah she really didn't know how much she was getting into with me. :) She was able to talk to me to calm me down and we talked about my rights and I am in charge and what happened to me at the appointment was completely inappropriate and shouldn't have happened. At my appointment Dr. Silver talked to me about the risks of going past 41 weeks and the chances of stillbirth doubling. Here come the scare tactics... He didn't give me percentages he just said that it doubled. Talya informed me that the chances increase from 1% to 2%. Yeah doc that's a HUGE increase. I am aware of statistics. Corbyn was a 1 in 100,000 death. I agreed that at my next appointment I would do a NST (nonstress test) to make sure that everything was ok with baby and then we would talk options. That appointment was scheduled for Friday October 17th. As that day got closer I really didn't want to go to it. I had heard of evening primrose and castor oil. I had taken castor oil the day before my last appointment to see if that would do anything. It did absolutely nothing! Including it didn't even give me the runs! I knew my body wasn't ready so when she stripped my membranes I was not happy! Thursday evening I decided to give the castor oil a shot again since I did start to have bloody show  that morning and afternoon as well as I had to go to the bathroom a lot more than usual that day plus I didn't want to go to that stupid OB appointment for more scare tactics. I had heard that was a sign when you had to go to the bathroom more that your body was preparing and cleaning you out for your birthing time. The night before from 2:30-4:30 A.M. I was having birthing waves 10 minutes apart that lasted about a minute as well so I was definitely showing signs that something was happening. We are also in the process of selling our condo and some people were coming by the next day to look at it right after I got off work so I wanted to make sure it was clean the night before. I made me a green smoothie and put a small amount of castor oil in it around 6:00. We straightened up the house and I decided to head to bed because either I had to be up at 4 in the morning to be at work, or I would be up all night in my birthing time. I hit the sac at about 8:00 and woke back up with what felt like bowel stomach like cramps around 11:30. I was sure that it was from the castor oil since I was feeling a lot of it in my back. **Remember** I have no idea what an actual birthing wave feels like since I have never had one before. This is something that I was terrified of that I wouldn't realize that I was in my birthing time and I would have my baby at home or in the car on the way to the hospital. (this fear comes into play later) Brock was still up at that time playing on the playstation. I was going back and forth from the bathroom sitting on the toilet trying to have a bowel movement to the birthing ball. I was certain that the castor oil was giving me a stomach ache, but since  I had so many bowel movements during the day there was nothing to come out, but my bowels were still acting like there was and cramping. Brock got mad at me and forbid me from the castor oil and then continued to go back to his game. Yep this made me super happy. His wife was having this super uncomfortable stuff happening but no biggie I'll continue to play my game. Yeah men are oblivious to so many things. I literally had to tell him that I needed some comfort and help for him to realize it. He started doing some of the techniques that Talya taught us to help with birthing waves thinking that may help. It really didn't because he wasn't pushing or squeezing in the right areas and so he got ready for bed and went to bed leaving me out in the living room to work through this mess that I had put myself in with the castor oil. It was about 12:45 and I decided that me sitting on the toilet praying to Heavenly Father to please take these cramps away from me and promising him I wouldn't take castor oil again wasn't getting me any rest so I took the heating pad in bed and tried to lie down to get some rest since I had to be up at 4 for work. I fell asleep intermittently until 2:30 and then couldn't stand laying in bed anymore. When I got out I suddenly became really cold to the point that my body was shaking uncontrollably. I put on Brock's big fluffy robe and wrapped myself in several blankets and put the heating pad on my feet. At this point I was thinking that I was getting sick and was super not happy because that was all that I needed when I could be having my baby any day. Nothing I was doing was getting me warm so I decided to get in a hot shower. I sat under the water of the shower for about 30 minutes and then decided to fill up the tub and just sit in the tub. The whole time I was in there my stomach cramp like things weren't as bad so I stayed in there until about 4:30. I knew that I couldn't go to work in the state that I was in and just planned on calling in sick and possibly not even going to my OB appointment. I got out and put back on Brock's robe and went and sat on the birthing ball again since that was the second most comfortable place for me. I sat there and pulled out my phone timing these cramp like things to see if possibly they may just in fact be birthing waves. There was no consistency to them at all! Well so I thought. They would range from 10 minutes apart to 5 minutes apart and were all over the place in length. That was another confirmation to me that they surely couldn't be birthing waves. I thought about several times texting Talya telling her what I was going through and asking her if it was anything. I never did because I didn't want to be chastised by her as well by taking the castor oil. 4:45 rolls around and gush!!! I was still sitting on my birthing ball on our new rug that I bought a few weeks earlier and all I could think about was NOOO not my rug! Not the fact of oh my water just broke I've been having birthing waves this whole time and I'm in my birthing time. I text Talya and told her that my water broke and then tried to call to my snoring husband in the bedroom that was completely clueless as to what his wife has been doing the last several hours. He, of course, was out cold and couldn't hear me yelling for him. So what was the next best thing... Call him. Yep I called my husband on the phone when I could literally see him from the living room. I couldn't move, I had so much amniotic fluid coming out or else I would have went in and smacked him! Right after that the birthing waves were barely a minute apart and I  was having a really hard time focusing because they were getting pretty strong. Brock finally woke up and came out in a what's going on kind of oblivion. I told him that my water broke. You know how on shows when a wife tells her husband that her water broke and he immediately goes into panic mode? Yep my calm, level headed, nothing affects me husband hit the panic mode in full force. He was walking around in a circle for it felt like a minute saying OK OK OK over and over again. Then he started grabbing things actually progressing on getting out the door. Talya called me and was talking with me to see where I was at in my birthing time. I told her everything started at about 11:30 and how far apart my birthing waves were. She said that was consistent enough and they didn't have to be same time apart every time (that would have been good to know at around 11:30. See I was oblivious to all of this!). While I was on the phone with her I had several birthing waves back to back. Then I got sick and was throwing up. She informed me that it sounded like I was in transition ( the last stage before baby comes out). She asked me if I thought we could make it all the way to the U of U or if we needed to go somewhere closer. I of course didn't have any idea. This is where the fear thing comes into play that I talked about before. I know that if I would have stayed home a few minutes longer he would have dropped and I would have had him at home since I felt the exact same then as I did when I was in transition at the hospital, but since I had such a fear of that I swear my body sucked him back up into the birth canal. We decided to start heading to the hospital and if he started to come there were several hospitals on the way if we needed to stop there. Talya decided that she would not meet us at our house and would just start heading down to the U and we would stay in contact the whole way.

We got there at about 5:30 and went to the OB ER for them to evaluate me. Yep sure enough they confirmed that my water had broken. If they said it hadn't I was really going to have to evaluate my bladder situation because I was still leaking while laying there in the bed. I was 5 cm dilated which was a good thing. I was well on my way. They got me into a room over on the labor and delivery side and we sat... Well, I worked through all my birthing waves while I'm sure the rest of my birth team felt like they sat. The team of medical staff came in at about 10:00 wanting to check me to see if I had progressed any further. When I say team I'm not exaggerating in the slightest. I forgot that it is a teaching hospital so for every hospital staff member assigned to you, you then double that at a teaching hospital. I had my OB (who was actually not there for any of it since he had been up for 40 straight hours) then there was a resident plus a medical student, plus other residents that tagged along as well. Then there was my nurse and she also had a student with her. I felt bombarded with people wanting me to drop my pants. Yep, I really didn't like that at all. I was doing just fine and continuing to have birthing waves consistently so I told them to come back later. 11:00 rolls around and here comes my drop-your-pants-lady medical team of people. I seriously felt like they were all gloving up right outside my door of my room and as they all walked in they were snapping their gloves on as each of them walked in like vultures eager to get in my pants. Sadly for them, I turned them down again. This time it didn't make them very happy and the head resident was most of all not pleased with me. She was the type that felt that since she was the physician she was in charge. I sure was not a fan of her and I really think she could have used a few more patient care courses and popped a few more caring pills while she was at it. I hope she doesn't practice in Utah. Anyway so a very kind member of my birthing team went out and spoke to my medical team informing them of the different type of birth that they were dealing with and really fought for me and my birth plan. After that come to Jesus talk that was had with them Talya explained to me the reasons behind them wanting to check me. I agreed to have them check me if I could choose who it was and nobody else came in the room. I had the sweetest nurse, Erika, that was very understanding and gentle with me physically and emotionally. I chose her to check me. When she checked me I was at a 5+. See, this is why I didn't want to get checked. I felt so let down. I had worked so hard for 6+ hours to pretty much not dilate at all! I did find out the reason why I was having "back labor" when she checked me was because Ledgyr was slightly turned. By this point I had been up over 24 hours (minus the 3 hours I got from 8-11 the night before) I was worn out. I could barely keep my eyes open in between birthing waves when I was sitting down. I had cried several times by this point for several reasons none of which were because I was in pain or couldn't handle my birthing waves. Now they were talking pitocin with me so I was crying some more. Plus I was frustrated that baby wasn't in the perfect position so I had to work even harder to try and get him turned.

After that Dr. Zelenkov came to see me. She was the physician that I switched to in the middle of this pregnancy because she was up by me and I was having issues with my insurance accepting Dr. Silver. She abruptly retired and quit her practice when I was about 30 weeks but fought with the insurance for me to deliver at the U and to have Dr. Silver. She was a wonderful physician and it showed because she showed up to be labor support for me when she wasn't even my physician any more. Anyway, she explained to me the benefits of me getting a small dose of pitocin since my birthing waves weren't getting stronger or closer together anymore and my labor was starting to taper off. She talked to me about my body would eventually do it on it's own, but because I am already so exhausted all that it would do for me to wait for my body to progress on it's own would send me into a section because I would be too exhausted to push my baby out. That was the last thing that I wanted so I agreed to get an IV of glucose to help my energy and to start me on the lowest dose of pitocin and increase it until my birthing waves picked up. This was around 5:00 when they started it. They started me off at 2 mU/min and then 4 and nothing was happening there other than the birthing waves being more intense. Once they increased me to 6 is when they picked up. It was about 15 minutes of being at a dose of 6 mU/min and I felt like I needed to go back to my room and sit on the birthing ball. I had two contractions on the birthing ball and I felt him drop and I immediately felt I needed to push. I climbed up on the bed on my hands and knees and the next thing I knew every inch of my room was covered in people. It was 7:00 by this time which was shift change so I literally had every square inch of my room filled because I had staff from both shifts in there. I kinda turned into a not so nice person at this point because I was having people come stick their face right by mine wanting to introduce themselves to me. Ok nice to meet you let me shake your hand, now go catch my baby that I'm pushing out my hooha right now please.  It was rather annoying to me so I kept saying to them "I don't care who you are". Whoops! Probably should have been nicer, but he was coming so fast and those pitocin birthing waves were not letting me rest for more than a couple of seconds at a time. I did apologize after everything cooled and he was here. They all understood and gave me a pass for acting like that. They even said I was super mild compare to a lot of other women. That made me feel a lot better. Over all I pushed for a total of 11 minutes and according to Talya and Brock I was calm and very in control while I was pushing. I felt like there was a complete circus going on in my body and I felt like I was not in as much control as I would  have liked. Looking at the video, though, I was. It's kinda weird what your mind perceives versus what really happened. I know that it was all because of my hypnobabies training that I was able to have an unmedicated birth that lasted almost 24 hours. 
It was beautiful and spiritual just like I wanted it to be. As well as pain free. Emotional free... not even close. He arrived at 7:19 weighing 7 pounds 10 ounces and was 20.5 inches long.

I also know that there were more than just the medical staff and my birthing team there in that room. I felt Corby there delivering his baby brother to us as well as so many other spirits. THAT is what I wanted. I wanted to feel Corbyn there with me. I wanted to make sure I was in the right state of mind so that I could feel that. I wanted to be in control of my whole body for that reason alone. I don't care that I went unmedicated. I don't want a badge of honor. I'm not bragging that I went unmedicated because I could. I did it only so that I could be in control- mind and spirit so that I could feel my son with me while the veil was thin. This baby has no idea how special he is both here on earth and in Heaven. I firmly believe that a rainbow baby has to be a special spirit because of the role they have been assigned to now on earth. 

The minute that they put Ledgyr on my chest he reached up at grabbed onto my Corby necklace. It was weird for him to reach as far as he did and was very unusual for a baby to reach that far, but I know it was Corbyn saying to me "here you go mama. Here is your baby don't be sad for me anymore". I know that Corbyn played a huge role in when his brother was brought into this world. 


It is bittersweet to have Ledgyr be born just hours before the day that his older brother grew his angel wings just a year prior. I know that he came the perfect day now that I have had time to process it. If he would have come on his due date it would have been too far away and Corby's angel day would have been a mess for me. If he would have come on Corby's angel day I probably would have been too emotionally spent to have a successful VBA2C and I would have probably ended up with another section. If I would have had him after Corby's angel day I would have already been too emotionally spent even before I went into my birthing time. The day before made it so that I could focus on him and my birthing time. Plus it made is so that I focused a lot of the following day resting and paying more attention to my baby that was hours old. It was the perfect time and I know it wasn't a coincidence. 
I remember going to my first OB appointment and finding out the EDD of Ledgyr and knowing then that he would be born closer to Corby's angel day. I remember talking on the phone with my mom as I was driving home and her saying the exact same thing. There are some things that you can just feel. This was one of those things for me. All in all I am so grateful for my wonderful doula, Talya, for being there for me emotionally as well as just doing her job as a doula. I'm grateful for my husband and how wonderful he is. He gave me a priesthood blessing the day before to help with my comfort as well as other things, and I know that helped me so much as well. I am grateful for my sister -in- law Erika for being there to take pictures and video as well as be emotional support. I would relive that day over and over again if I could. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be able to birth my baby vaginally and I am so unbelievably grateful that it was a success and so peaceful.    
 
This picture says a thousand words as to how unbelievably happy I was to have my baby here with me and to feel his brother so close to me as well. I can't begin to describe the feeling I felt at that moment. 

Introducing our rainbow baby!

Meet Ledgyr Corbyn Cordingley. He was born October 17, 2014. Just 4 hours and 45 minutes before Corbyn's angel day. Almost one year to the day that Corbyn left this earth. It was such a bittersweet day for us. He weighed 7 pounds 10 ounces and was 20.5 inches long. He has definitely been my biggest baby! I was able to have an unmedicated natural birth that was beyond beautiful. Both Addyson's and Corbyn's births were via c-section so this experience was such a blessing. I had a feeling that Ledgyr was planning on coming closer to his brother's angel day if not on the actual day so even though his due date was the 11th I knew that he would be coming after that. I will post the full birth story in another post, though.
Ledgyr is a very good baby, just like his brother was, and I see a lot of the same personality that Corby had in Ledgyr. It's been hard for me these last couple of weeks because I look at Ledgyr and I see Corbyn in him. My mind plays tricks on me and sometimes I feel like he is Corbyn and I have gone back in time. I know that is me still trying to cope with this all, but I feel guilty for even thinking that and wishing Ledgyr away so that I could have Corbyn back. I love my little Ledgyr man so much. I just wish more than anything I could have Corbyn with me as well. I wish that I could of had both Addy and Corby jumping up on my hospital bed to meet their new little brother for the first time. I do know that Corbyn was with me the entire time I was in labor and Ledgyr confirmed it right after they put him on my chest he reached up and grabbed onto my Corby necklace. It wasn't like my necklace was right there for him to grab either- he literally had to reach up for it. I firmly believe that was Corbyn telling me that he was there delivering his little brother to us. I have been overcome with so much love for this baby it brings me to tears and causes actual pain in my heart to the point that I can't breath. I can still feel the empty hole in my heart of the shattered pieces that Corby took with him, but since Ledgyr has come I feel like my heart has gotten bigger to let in the love I have for him, but at the same time it has stretched the empty hole to be bigger. I have felt more pain because I now am heartbroken that another child of mine will grow up not knowing their brother. That I am raising another child but still am missing one. That Corbyn will not get to grow up with another of his siblings.  It feels good to have a baby in my arms again. To be able to nurse again. I missed that more than anything. Corby was still nursing when he passed so it was very hard to just suddenly stop. I love to have the opportunity to cuddle a baby against my chest again. Ledgyr is just as cuddly as Corby was and I am so grateful for that. I literally walk around with him in my arms all day long. I don't want to put him down. I feel like if I do I will miss on a moment that I need to soak in because, like I've said before, I feel like I don't know how long I will have with him. I beg Heavenly Father every day that I will get to spend an entire lifetime with him and get to watch him grow up to the handsome man I have dreamt he will become. I am so grateful that I am able to have this rainbow baby. He truly is a rainbow after a very dark storm. I know that my life is still stormy, but he is a promise that there is still life after such turmoil and tragedy.

What are the odds?

I was introduced to a group called SUDC.org. It was founded 10+ years ago by two mothers that their babies passed away the exact same way that my Corby did and now is full of families that have the exact same story all across the world. It is there to help raise awareness for Sudden Unexpected Death in Childhood (SUDC) and right now we are all working very hard to get a bill passed to get some uniformity to how autopsies and investigations happen in SUDC cases to hopefully help research find a cause as to why our babies are gone too soon. We have an email group that we all participate in that we can write to the whole group for courage, uplifting advice, and whatever else we are in need of. It has been a huge comfort to me to know that I am not alone by any means in this awful journey. It also hurts so much to know that I am not alone in this journey. I hate that so many other parents all across the world know my same pain. 

The other night one parent posted an email and this is what some of it says. The topic was about if there has ever been a family that has lost a second child after losing a first. Thankfully out of the 600+ families all across the world not one has had a second child pass on from SUDC. But all of us in this group are still a little weary. This email is a good example of that.

I love the comfort
 of knowing that it has never happened twice to one family,
 however before my healthy daughter passed away I would find
 myself saying 'what are the odds??' A lot. Because I
 was kind of a hypochondriac about everything (if she had a
 runny nose I went to the doc, slept in a bit later I would
 run into her room. My only comfort was 'what are the
 odds of her dying?'.Well needless to say,
 they were sadly pretty good. So now I say to
 myself with my 11 month old 'what are the odds of us
 losing two children?' And I just can't shrug it off
 anymore and take comfort in that statistic anymore. Believe
 me, I want to, but having faith that everything is going to
 be okay keeps getting tougher the closer we get to our son
 being the same age our daughter was when she passed.
 It's like every night when I go to bed I feel like my
 perfectly healthy son is fighting for his life. I get
 horrible anxiety about it, and what used to be a relaxing
 time becomes this nightmare of a night. Anyone else have
 this anxiety leading up to the age of their child's
 death with their other children?

This is my response to what this parent wrote that sums up my feelings.

 I too have lost a lot of my faith. I have lost my trust in my Heavenly Father that he will keep
 my children safe when I can't. I think that it was so easy for him to take my perfectly healthy baby boy why
 couldn't he take another from me. I picture Addy dead all the time when I go in to check on her the several times a night I do and with Ledgyr due to come any day now I am terrified that I'm going to find him dead too and I'm sure I will also picture him dead and my mind will play tricks on me thinking that I will see him with blue
 lips etc when he really doesn't. Lisa (name has been changed), you stated it so well when you feel like your son is fighting for his life and that you aren't going to have much longer with him. That's how I feel too! I write to my babies in an email journal that I will give them when they are older and I haven't been able to write to Addy because I usually would end my email saying that I look forward to watching her grow up or many more birthdays with her etc. I used to write those things in Corby's journal too and I feel like I jinxed him by saying those things, and I feel like if I continue to write those things to Addy that I will jinx her too. Having been part of this group for a few months and I see that our babies have all passed at different ages I know there isn't a magical age to feel like my babies are safe. Before Corby passed I thought that magical age was 12 months because I was safe from SIDS. That obviously became untrue. I don't know if I will feel comfortable at any age. Even when Ledgyr and our future children pass 13.5 months I know that children have passed after that age from being part of this group. So to answer your question about anxiety-Yes, I have it very bad and I fear that I will have it even after they all pass the 13.5 month mark.   One thing I do know that Corby's passing has made me be more grateful for every moment with Addy and every kick and movement from Ledgyr. People keep asking me why I'm so worried and they get uncomfortable when I say that I'm worried because I know my children die. They usually don't know what to say after that. I'm now considered that other person that those things only happen to other people. So no they don't understand when I talk like that to them. I definitely have become more blunt with people since this all happened and so far haven't lost any friends over it. I wish that my anxiety will lessen, but I'm not holding my hopes too high. 

It’s really easy to feel betrayed by the one person you trusted most, your Heavenly Father, I trusted him that he wouldn’t take my babies from me. Yes, I have talked about how he has comforted me through all of this and has carried me on several occasions, but I am mortal. I don’t understand his plan and I do, indeed, have many thoughts creep in dealing with my distrust in Him. Yes, I know that everything happens for a reason and if his plan consisted of him taking another one of my children from me I couldn’t do a single thing to stop it. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to fight my very hardest to try and make that not happen. It doesn’t mean that I’m not going to worry every second of every day about my babies and my husband. I’m a fighter I always have been and I don’t plan on that ever changing.

If we all had an answer as to why our children have left this earth too soon it may help and comfort us to have more trust, but because we don’t know we don’t know what to watch for or look for. We all suffer from PTSD to some extent or another as I’m sure a lot of people that have lost a loved one also do. That is now what our minds, as SUDC parents, have been trained to look for is not a healthy sleeping child, but a lifeless one. It’s a tragic truth that I wish I never knew about. Like I have stated before I wish I had my innocent happiness back. Unfortunately, I realize I will never get that back, but learn to live a new normal- a new kind of happiness. Superficial? At times, yes. I often wonder if the deep down happiness will ever be something that I will have the privilege to enjoy on this earth. For now superficial is going to have to work.   

The reality of life 100 days after

I think that I am at the point in my grieving process that I forget what my life has turned into for brief moments. Those moments are usually where I am too focused on something, or there is nothing to trigger a memory or feelings of loss. The part that I hate about this, though, is that when those feelings come back and I remember what my life is like now it’s like those feelings are a knife stabbed into my heart and twisted. Whereas, if I have some feeling of loss and sadness my entire day when memories or thoughts of that tragic night or painful existence of my life now, creep in they don’t feel as terrible and devastating.  I have this picture up on my desktop at work.

When I look at it I think about that day and how perfect I felt. Corby looooved food. Whenever someone had some kind of food he was right on their lap wanting a taste too. I had just finished making my green smoothie and sat down on the couch to drink it when no sooner did I get a few sips in that this little man was crawling on my lap wanting some too. I called him my little calorie stealer. Not only was he still nursing and stealing calories that way, but he was also eating half of what I ate. I didn’t have a problem with it. I loved to share my food with my baby, and I enjoyed, more than anything, breast feeding him. He was so cute to watch when I would feed him. He melted into me and felt so calm and comfortable there. I knew that my baby felt safe and happy when he was nursing and that made me happy too. Every once in a while he would look up at me and give me this grin that would melt my heart. He started getting to the point that he would blow raspberries and then give the cutest little chuckle after like he knew that he was soooo funny. I, of course, would play right along with him. I remember a recent time when he was wearing new dinosaur jammies and he thought they were so cool. The night before when we put them on him we got all excited and hyped up his new jammies so he got excited too. We tried to teach him what dinosaurs would say, but he didn’t want to have anything to do with that. The next morning when he was nursing I was playing with him and asking him what was on his jammies. He was too busy eating so I started to tickle him and say “dinosaurs! RAAAAR! (in a silly voice)” and tickle his little body all the way up from his little bum to his arm pits. He was laughing so hard and thought that was so funny. So, naturally, I kept doing it because I loved to hear his little giggle. I miss that little giggle more than I can describe. It’s a silence in my soul that will always be there. Sadly, I know that I will never be O.K. with that, but will learn to live with it. I know it’s a slow process. I had one woman describe it to me as a process happening at a dyslexic snail’s pace. Oh how true that is! It’s only been 100 days since I last held my baby in my arms alive, and it feels like it’s been a lifetime. I hope and pray that I will be able to continue to get up each new day. 

Don’t not talk about him

I have run into quite a few people, especially since I work in a hospital, which knows about my situation and can see that I am obviously upset, but will completely avoid the subject. That hurts more than if they were to bring up my baby boy when I was having a “good” day. Let me rephrase that, it never hurts me to bring up my baby boy whether a good day or bad and to ask how I’m doing. No matter the time or the day I still cry. I cry ALL the time. So whether you bring him up and I cry, or smile, it still makes me feel good that he is being remembered. I try and talk about him every day to whoever will listen to me. I probably make a lot of people feel uncomfortable and sad because I bring him up, but I don’t care. It helps me to talk about it. When I do talk to the person I probably cry the whole time because that’s just what I do, but that doesn’t mean that they or I have ruined my day. I, most of the time, feel relief after bawling my eyes out to a complete stranger. Yes, weird, I know, but for me that works. Like I have said before, people all grieve in different ways. Me, I guess I grieve by making other people feel awkward, but that doesn’t make me feel bad about this at all. That person will go on living their lives without carrying around the pain that I have to carry around every single second of my life. So for a second if I can share a molecule of my pain with someone else to help me feel better I’m going to do that. I’m not crazy, though, I don’t walk up to complete strangers in the hall or streets and say “did you know I had a child die?” It’s always because that other person asks about my children, or if I have one or the other gender children. I will NEVER say that I only have one child or that I just have a little girl and one on the way. I DON’T and I never will just talk about my children living on this earth. My baby boy is my pride and joy, and I want everyone to know that.

Here is some advice to people that don’t know the pain, but also some words to those that know exactly what I’m talking about, unfortunately.

1. Please ask the grieving person sincerely how they are doing. Talk with them about memories of their loved one, or ask about some memories that they can tell you about their loved one. I bet you that you will make them cry, but I also bet you that you will make their day by remembering the loved one that has passed on. If they, by chance, say they really don’t want to talk about it then fine you can move on with your day without carrying some of the pain that person is carrying. No harm to you.

We will all have bad days and REALLY bad days, and that will never end whether it’s five months, five years, or 25 years. The pain never goes away. I have heard this so many times from so many people with the pain of death in their hearts. Let me tell you at the five month mark I already hate this constant ache and pain that I have. I am not looking forward to the next 25+ years without my baby boy and all the painful days ahead of me. The grief will always be there so don’t ask if I’m over it yet. I never will be.

2. Don’t ask other people how I’m doing because it seems to you that I should be getting “better” by now. They have no idea how I’m really doing, and how is that going to help me to know that people are thinking about me and my baby if you don’t ask or tell me yourself. Yes, I will most likely cry, but don’t feel bad that you made me cry. I would have probably gone into an empty dark room later that day and cried by myself anyway. So sometimes it helps to cry with someone rather than alone.

3. Grieving people aren’t some disease. They are regular human beings too. They may be slightly more fragile than the next person, but that’s ok. This does not mean avoid the disease so you don’t catch it too. Just talk with them. Don’t give them advice- that usually doesn’t help. Let them do the talking. Even if the only thing that comes out of your mouth is “I’ve been thinking a lot about you and your angel how are you doing?” That’s ok. Let them tell you about it. Ask them questions. Even if they are questions like “what are some things you are doing to remember your angel?” One thing you don’t ask them is “What happened?” Yes, I know you are dying to know, but try and find out from someone else. Going straight to the source on this one is NOT the best. They already live the tragedy over and over in their head. They don’t need to keep telling it out loud over and over again.

4. Don’t keep things from them that you think will hurt them. If you would have told them before any of this happened then you should find the right time to tell them even after their tragedy. If I am not ready for something then I will tell the person that I am happy for them and when the time is right I will excuse myself from the room. You can never know what triggers a grieving person so just treat them normal and let them process it how they want. They have all their energy being used up on their grieving they are not going to be mad at you for some good news you tell them about you. Jealousy? Yes they may be jealous, but that comes with normal grieving and you can’t help that. You can help hurting their feelings by keeping something from them or keeping them from something or somebody. If you’re honest with them they will be honest with you. One thing that a grieving person is, is honest. Something my grief counselor told me is that I don’t have enough energy to grieve as well as make sure that I’m not hurting other people’s feelings. No, I am not going around calling people names, or being rude to them. I will tell someone that I really don’t have the energy to talk about that right now, or that I can’t handle that right now. She said that if that offends someone then that is their problem that they are offended by something as little as that, and you probably wouldn’t have the energy to deal with someone like that anyway. I completely agree with her. I know that doesn’t mean that grieving people have a free ticket to be major jerks. Every grieving person knows that already. They don’t have the energy to be a jerk. Their hearts are so tender and torn up anyway, they won’t have much to be rude or mean about.    

So pretty much know that we are fragile and very tender, and you can proceed with caution, but please, please don’t avoid us or our angels.  You never know, you might find out some interesting stuff about this grief club that we have all been signed up for against our will. 

Today last year

This time right now last year we were headed to a wedding for one of Brock’s cousins. I remember it so vividly. I had both children in tow and my mother in law was in the car with us so I had the blessing to sit in the back of the car with my two babies. I will never forget that car ride. I remember looking at Corbyn since he was still backwards facing due to his age and feeling so much happiness and joy to be a mother and to be a mother to my two beautiful babies as I was also listening to Addy jabber on the other side of me. I felt complete. I had just got done running earlier that day over 10 miles as we were training for our first half marathon and I was on such a high. I specifically remember staring into Corby’s eyes and amazed by the light and sparkle he had. I could see that my baby was so happy. I could see the love in his eyes. I touched his face and told him how beautiful he was and that I loved him so very much. That is one thing that I learned early on was to never miss a chance to tell my children that I love them. Even if they didn’t realize how much I loved them I still wanted them to hear that their mother loves them. Now more than ever have I realized how important that is. I, even, tell my unborn child that I love him on a daily basis, and I mean it. I don’t say it like a chore. I feel it deep down inside of me. I don’t know how other people love, but my love is not by any means on the surface. I love deeply and passionately. I feel that is why I feel so completely broken and shattered from the inside. I wasn’t someone that felt they physically couldn’t get out of bed or that I couldn’t walk another step after Corbyn passed. Physically on the outside I have felt like I always have. The inside of me is what is broken to the core and I am terrified because I don’t know how to fix me on the inside. People will look at me and think that I am fine. Think that I am strong. Again that is the outside that they see. They can’t look at the inner me and see the pain and sadness that I carry with me every second of every day longing to feel complete again. Longing to feel that innocent happiness that I once felt. I smile hoping that some of that will seep in to my core. It never does, but I still do it anyway because people now think that I should be over this and moving on. I should be happy that I am pregnant with another little boy that will comfort me and make me happy. I am very happy that I have the blessing to have another boy, but in no way will he ever take away the pain that I feel for Corbyn. It’s the same as if Corbyn were still here. Would I be replacing some of my love and worry that I have for Corbyn to give it to Ledgyr? Nope. I just gain more love and more worry for another baby. That love and worry for my other children still stays. It still stays after one of my children has passed as well. Will he make is so that my arms won’t feel as empty? Yes he will. Completely full? Not even close. I still have that empty hole that will never be filled no matter how many children that I have. 

I can’t believe that he has only been gone a year. It doesn’t feel like last year at this time that he was here in my arms. It feels like an entire lifetime. His memories seem so distant, and I fear that I am starting to forget them. I think about this time last year and wish so much that I could go back and live up to that point with my babies over and over again. I hate what is coming in 6 days. I feel like it is a blessing that Ledgyr could come any day, but I feel like I am so focused on my pain and sadness. I’m quite certain that Corby sent us his little brother during this time so that we would feel of the gift and miracle of life and not focus on how our lives were turned completely upside down last year with him leaving us. I am having a hard time focusing on that part though. The trees changing and the weather getting cooler don’t bring calmness and comfort to my soul like they used to. It now brings a lot of anxiety and emptiness to my soul. I used to absolutely love fall. I loved the smells the colors and even the change in wardrobe. It was my favorite time of year. It was the time of year that my eternal companion proposed and asked me to spend eternity with him. It was the time of year that Corby came into our lives. It was also the time of year that he left our lives. That, so far, has trumped everything else, and I don’t know if it will ever change. I hope that Ledgyr’s calm spiritual birth can help with making this time of year be better for me. I’m hoping my next entry will be a happy one. One of birth and life and excitement.