13 months 16 days old

Yesterday Ledgyr was the exact age Corby was when he passed. It also happened to be the day the the medical examiner that performed Corby's autopsy called me. I found that kind of ironic. I thought about mentioning that to her, but decided against it. All day I pondered off and on about how everything could be so different. I have constantly wondered how I am going to handle watching Ledgyr surpass the age of his brother. Up to this point Ledgyr has always fit that he is Corby's little brother, but in my mind Corbyn will always be this baby:

I wish I knew what he would have looked like older. Would his hair have continued to get darker? Would his eyes have stayed that deep blue or turned more green like his daddy and mommy's eyes? I will never know in this life. How am I, now, going watch his little brother grow and surpass everything I knew about Corbyn? I have thought all day today about how I have had more days with Ledgyr than I had with Corby. As I laid in bed with Ledgyr this morning I was grateful that I was able to have this morning. 2 years ago I wished more than anything that I had this morning with my blue eyed baby boy. I wished that I could lay in bed and nurse my little boy, and every morning after he passed that I woke up engorged it hurt even more knowing that I will never get that chance. My body was still wanting to nourish my baby, but there was no longer a baby to nourish. Today I was able to snuggle and nourish my brown eyed little guy and I can't even begin to explain how grateful I was to have one more day with him.
Now-how do I handle from now on? First of all- I pray that there will always be a "from now on", but now what? Will I watch Ledgyr every time he hits a milestone that Corby didn't have the chance to reach and have my heart break a little more by having that realization? I don't know. One day I may be ok with it, and another day I won't be able to handle it. I'm mostly waiting for the day that I hear him say "mama". I wonder if he will sound like Corby at all. You better believe I will get that recorded that's for sure! Will I be excited, or cry? Grief is so unknown.
I now look at Ledgyr and see Corbyn so much. The only difference between my two boys is their hair and eyes. If you put blonde hair on Ledgyr and gave him blue eyes he would be Corbyn's twin. Heck, Ledgyr would probably be the exact same size as his brother if Corby was still here! Have I mentioned HE'S HUGE?!?!?!
I am grateful every day that I wake up and my children are still here. I'm grateful for that extra day that I have the privilege of being a mother to my other two children.