Don’t not talk about him

I have run into quite a few people, especially since I work in a hospital, which knows about my situation and can see that I am obviously upset, but will completely avoid the subject. That hurts more than if they were to bring up my baby boy when I was having a “good” day. Let me rephrase that, it never hurts me to bring up my baby boy whether a good day or bad and to ask how I’m doing. No matter the time or the day I still cry. I cry ALL the time. So whether you bring him up and I cry, or smile, it still makes me feel good that he is being remembered. I try and talk about him every day to whoever will listen to me. I probably make a lot of people feel uncomfortable and sad because I bring him up, but I don’t care. It helps me to talk about it. When I do talk to the person I probably cry the whole time because that’s just what I do, but that doesn’t mean that they or I have ruined my day. I, most of the time, feel relief after bawling my eyes out to a complete stranger. Yes, weird, I know, but for me that works. Like I have said before, people all grieve in different ways. Me, I guess I grieve by making other people feel awkward, but that doesn’t make me feel bad about this at all. That person will go on living their lives without carrying around the pain that I have to carry around every single second of my life. So for a second if I can share a molecule of my pain with someone else to help me feel better I’m going to do that. I’m not crazy, though, I don’t walk up to complete strangers in the hall or streets and say “did you know I had a child die?” It’s always because that other person asks about my children, or if I have one or the other gender children. I will NEVER say that I only have one child or that I just have a little girl and one on the way. I DON’T and I never will just talk about my children living on this earth. My baby boy is my pride and joy, and I want everyone to know that.

Here is some advice to people that don’t know the pain, but also some words to those that know exactly what I’m talking about, unfortunately.

1. Please ask the grieving person sincerely how they are doing. Talk with them about memories of their loved one, or ask about some memories that they can tell you about their loved one. I bet you that you will make them cry, but I also bet you that you will make their day by remembering the loved one that has passed on. If they, by chance, say they really don’t want to talk about it then fine you can move on with your day without carrying some of the pain that person is carrying. No harm to you.

We will all have bad days and REALLY bad days, and that will never end whether it’s five months, five years, or 25 years. The pain never goes away. I have heard this so many times from so many people with the pain of death in their hearts. Let me tell you at the five month mark I already hate this constant ache and pain that I have. I am not looking forward to the next 25+ years without my baby boy and all the painful days ahead of me. The grief will always be there so don’t ask if I’m over it yet. I never will be.

2. Don’t ask other people how I’m doing because it seems to you that I should be getting “better” by now. They have no idea how I’m really doing, and how is that going to help me to know that people are thinking about me and my baby if you don’t ask or tell me yourself. Yes, I will most likely cry, but don’t feel bad that you made me cry. I would have probably gone into an empty dark room later that day and cried by myself anyway. So sometimes it helps to cry with someone rather than alone.

3. Grieving people aren’t some disease. They are regular human beings too. They may be slightly more fragile than the next person, but that’s ok. This does not mean avoid the disease so you don’t catch it too. Just talk with them. Don’t give them advice- that usually doesn’t help. Let them do the talking. Even if the only thing that comes out of your mouth is “I’ve been thinking a lot about you and your angel how are you doing?” That’s ok. Let them tell you about it. Ask them questions. Even if they are questions like “what are some things you are doing to remember your angel?” One thing you don’t ask them is “What happened?” Yes, I know you are dying to know, but try and find out from someone else. Going straight to the source on this one is NOT the best. They already live the tragedy over and over in their head. They don’t need to keep telling it out loud over and over again.

4. Don’t keep things from them that you think will hurt them. If you would have told them before any of this happened then you should find the right time to tell them even after their tragedy. If I am not ready for something then I will tell the person that I am happy for them and when the time is right I will excuse myself from the room. You can never know what triggers a grieving person so just treat them normal and let them process it how they want. They have all their energy being used up on their grieving they are not going to be mad at you for some good news you tell them about you. Jealousy? Yes they may be jealous, but that comes with normal grieving and you can’t help that. You can help hurting their feelings by keeping something from them or keeping them from something or somebody. If you’re honest with them they will be honest with you. One thing that a grieving person is, is honest. Something my grief counselor told me is that I don’t have enough energy to grieve as well as make sure that I’m not hurting other people’s feelings. No, I am not going around calling people names, or being rude to them. I will tell someone that I really don’t have the energy to talk about that right now, or that I can’t handle that right now. She said that if that offends someone then that is their problem that they are offended by something as little as that, and you probably wouldn’t have the energy to deal with someone like that anyway. I completely agree with her. I know that doesn’t mean that grieving people have a free ticket to be major jerks. Every grieving person knows that already. They don’t have the energy to be a jerk. Their hearts are so tender and torn up anyway, they won’t have much to be rude or mean about.    

So pretty much know that we are fragile and very tender, and you can proceed with caution, but please, please don’t avoid us or our angels.  You never know, you might find out some interesting stuff about this grief club that we have all been signed up for against our will.