Angels among us

Today I have felt a little down and really not wanting to talk with people and act like I’m ok. It’s been a hard last couple of days. On Thanksgiving I didn’t want to even get out of bed. I didn’t want to be around people and act like I was so thankful. I had one thought that consumed every other thought in my head that day and that was that I didn't have my son with me to enjoy this holiday. It wasn’t before noon that I finally got out of bed. I figured I needed to since we were at Brock’s grandparents house that live in Idaho, but every emotion inside of me was making it really hard and I really didn’t want to. I spent the entire day looking at pictures and videos of Corby. There is one video that is of him laughing and I kept playing it over and over again closing my eyes wishing that giggle was out in the living room playing with his sister and cousins. 

The rest of the week was ok and I was able to be stronger. It helped quite a bit to talk with Brock’s grandma Cordingley since she too has lost one of her children. I felt like I could connect with her and she understood my pain- my tremendously unbearable heartache. I felt like I could talk with her and she wouldn’t judge me and act like it was a taboo subject let alone was uncomfortable to even bring up Corby’s name. That helped a lot. I started to come down with an illness Sunday and haven’t felt good for a couple of days now. For some reason it has made me feel more sad and depressed. 

Heavenly father knew that I needed some angels today. My morning started out with a good friend that I grew up with text me out of the blue to let me know that she was thinking about me. The sad part is she too knows of loss. She lost her father very unexpectedly three years ago this Friday, but that didn’t stop her from thinking about my pain. It was good to text back and forth with her and talk about some of my pain with her. Then later another dear friend called seeing how I was. I didn’t answer because I really didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to talk with anyone on the phone so I just let all my calls go to voicemail.  I text her later and told her that I wasn’t up for talking or a visit since I was sick. She understood and asked if I needed anything. I told her I didn’t and she left it at that. Until she text me later telling me to check my front door step. When I opened it up there was a cup of hot chocolate, pizza, doughnuts, and the Ensign opened up to this article. She left a little note saying that article made her think of Corby. She also told me this article was a good one too. I read both of them and soaked them up. It felt good to remember that there are angels among us to help us through our trials. I know that there are spiritual angels as well as earthly angels. My two friends were prompted to contact me today and it wasn’t just a coincidence. They were my angels today.

As I read those two articles the second one stood out to me and helped remind me that my Savior and Heavenly Father are here for me. I will receive answers to my questions as to why Corby left us when the time is right. I love when the article quoted President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's October 2013 conference talk when he said “first doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith”. I needed to remember that. I’m not going to give you a Relief Society lesson on these articles, but I suggest that you read them. They really helped me. I have been doubting a lot about this whole experience and have lost my trust in my Heavenly Father. All I could focus on was how could I trust someone that took my child from me. I lost sight of the bigger picture. I NEED to trust in Him. I NEED to restore my faith in Him. I NEED Him to help me with my pain and problems. There is a question in the article that says “do I trust in God above everyone else?” Because of my medical mind I have put a lot of my trust in the medical experts more than THE expert. I’m mortal. I want to- I need to know why my baby died. The reason of, it’s part of The Plan, has been really hard for me to accept. I’m sure I will always want to know if anything took my baby from me other than just his spirit left his body, but I need to trust in God more than needing to know why. I need to not let it consume my life. My every thought. I know that this journey is an extremely hard one even when I do have His help. I can’t imagine what it would be like without Him at all.