"Get over it"

I had heard from other people who have previously lost a loved one that other people have said that to them. After Corby passed people told me that I would be hearing that from people that didn't get it. People that had no idea what it was like to lose a child. They told me that it would come as a complete blow and hurt so much. I hadn't thought much about it past that, though. I thought I surrounded myself around people that were compassionate enough to understand there was no way to ever get over losing my child. My beautiful, healthy, amazing little boy.
I just started back to work last week so once again I'm getting people asking me about my children since they knew I was out on maternity leave after having a child. Corby always comes up because I will never not talk about him and exclude him as one of my children. I was talking with a laboratory instrument rep and all those questions came up. Corby came up and how he died was asked, obviously, but what came next utterly shocked me and rattled me to the core. Then my core lit on fire and it took everything in me to not explode. This rep talked about how he had a sister that lost her 27 year old son the same way. His wife went to wake him up for work to find him dead. The autopsy report came back as unexplained and unexpected death. He talked about how his sister decorates his grave and does so many things to remember him and posts them on Facebook. He then said that he loves his sister so much but he wishes she would just get over it already. "It was three years ago and she's still doing all this stuff." Yup you thought exactly right on what I did next. I lost it. Thankfully I had another coworker in there with me that had lost her husband years ago very tragically. I knew she knew what he was saying was wrong. So she helped me feel more confident to kindly tell this stupid, stupid man that what he was saying was very hurtful and so very wrong. I asked him questions that he most likely hadn't thought of. I asked him if he thinks of his children on a daily basis. He answered yes. I asked him if he enjoyed taking care of his children an he said yes. I then asked him why then would it be any different for his sister. Why does she, now that her son is dead, have to stop thinking about him and doing things for him the only way she knows she can? Just because now when she thinks about her son feelings of sadness and grief come along with her thoughts doesn't mean that she can't have those thoughts. Grief is a never ending journey. If she wants to decorate his grave and post pictures of it on Facebook then she can. That may be her way of working through her grief. Why does someone else that hasn't gone through the pain get to decided how long a griever can grieve? To judge them for grieving the way they grieve? If you were in that person's shoes would you still think about your child every single day? Wonder what they would be doing? Wonder what they would look like now? Wonder what they would grow up to become? How about all those generations that could have been but aren't and won't ever will be? These are all thoughts mothers and fathers that have lost a child think about daily. What is wrong with that? I look at my two nephews that are 6 months younger than Corby. They are now past the stage that I last knew Corby at. They are saying new words every day and doing all sorts of new things. EVERY time I look at them I wonder what Corby would be like now, and it makes me sad every time. My heart feels like it gets stabbed every time. What is wrong with that? NOTHING! I will probably always look at them and think that. I see them play together and wish more than anything that Corby was there playing right alongside them. What is so wrong with me thinking those thoughts? What is so wrong with me going and decorating his grave?

It made me feel so good to do something for Corby. That day it was my grief work. It's what got me through that day. I loved that the kids wanted to help too. You can tell that they did the majority of putting the decorations in the ground. It shows their love, and I love that. That's what Corby would have liked the best too. That is what helps MY grief. I hope more than anything that people understand that for me as well as for the other bereaved parents out there. We do what keeps us going each day. Sometimes the day is too much for us. Don't judge us. Love us. We need it. 

Remembering him

Now that the holidays are over I wanted to touch on the subject of remembering someone's child that has passed or any loved one for that matter. It hurts the bereaved beyond comprehension that they have to go through the holidays without their loved one. For me it's my child. I don't get to see him stuff his face with candy on Halloween. Run around with cousins and eat Thanksgiving dinner. Write letters to and visit Santa. Open present after present on Christmas morning. All of these things I will never get to see him do. His first holidays he was just months old so there wasn't much interaction with him enjoying the holidays. I was looking forward to them so much the next year because I knew he would be a such a great age to enjoy it. It hurts so very much that he's not here every other day, but even more so during the holidays when family is such a focus. As the death of my son gets further and further people are now forgetting that he existed. As his mother I still think about it every day. Just as any mother would think about her living children. I'm sure my thought process is different from the usual thoughts that run through a mother's head about her living child, but it still doesn't stop me from thinking about him. This doesn't change around the holidays either. I walk past toys and wonder if he would like that, or clothes and wonder if he would fit into that now. Wishing that I was buying those things for him for Christmas.
It hurts us in the bereaved parent club when people don't remember their child any time, but even worse around the holidays. They don't need to go out and buy extravagant gifts for the child as if they were here, but just remembering them in some way is all that the parent needs. I experienced this on both sides this year and I can attest to you how much it hurts to not have my son remembered. To help with people remembering him and doing something simple I set up his grave with a tree and two wreaths for people to put an ornament for him.

I don't bring this up to make people feel bad, but I want to make other people aware of ways to help and comfort a bereaved parent. Some simple, yet very effective ways of remembering a lost loved one that I have thought of are:

-Send them a card acknowledging that you are thinking of them and their loved one

-Buy an ornament that reminded you of their loved one and either give it to them or hang it on your own tree letting them know you did that.

-Make a donation in their name to a charity you feel best

-One that I love is very simple. Write the loved one's name down somewhere that you are vacationing or in another country, state, city etc. Even if you are just at work. It can be on a simple piece of paper or in the sand, snow, dirt etc. Send it to the parent letting them know you are thinking of them this holiday season or any time for that matter. 

- Plant a tree in honor of their loved one and decorate it the way the loved one would have liked. 

-Do something for the loved one that has passed (very simple) if you are planning on getting something for the rest of the family. (It's very easy for the family to think you forgot about the loved one that has passed when you don't acknowledge them in some way) Even if it's writing them a letter or buying something for them, but can be used by someone else in the family. 

I'm sure there are plenty more ideas and I would love to hear about them from everyone. So please share, but make sure to remember their loved ones. It will mean the world to them when you do.