Today last year

This time right now last year we were headed to a wedding for one of Brock’s cousins. I remember it so vividly. I had both children in tow and my mother in law was in the car with us so I had the blessing to sit in the back of the car with my two babies. I will never forget that car ride. I remember looking at Corbyn since he was still backwards facing due to his age and feeling so much happiness and joy to be a mother and to be a mother to my two beautiful babies as I was also listening to Addy jabber on the other side of me. I felt complete. I had just got done running earlier that day over 10 miles as we were training for our first half marathon and I was on such a high. I specifically remember staring into Corby’s eyes and amazed by the light and sparkle he had. I could see that my baby was so happy. I could see the love in his eyes. I touched his face and told him how beautiful he was and that I loved him so very much. That is one thing that I learned early on was to never miss a chance to tell my children that I love them. Even if they didn’t realize how much I loved them I still wanted them to hear that their mother loves them. Now more than ever have I realized how important that is. I, even, tell my unborn child that I love him on a daily basis, and I mean it. I don’t say it like a chore. I feel it deep down inside of me. I don’t know how other people love, but my love is not by any means on the surface. I love deeply and passionately. I feel that is why I feel so completely broken and shattered from the inside. I wasn’t someone that felt they physically couldn’t get out of bed or that I couldn’t walk another step after Corbyn passed. Physically on the outside I have felt like I always have. The inside of me is what is broken to the core and I am terrified because I don’t know how to fix me on the inside. People will look at me and think that I am fine. Think that I am strong. Again that is the outside that they see. They can’t look at the inner me and see the pain and sadness that I carry with me every second of every day longing to feel complete again. Longing to feel that innocent happiness that I once felt. I smile hoping that some of that will seep in to my core. It never does, but I still do it anyway because people now think that I should be over this and moving on. I should be happy that I am pregnant with another little boy that will comfort me and make me happy. I am very happy that I have the blessing to have another boy, but in no way will he ever take away the pain that I feel for Corbyn. It’s the same as if Corbyn were still here. Would I be replacing some of my love and worry that I have for Corbyn to give it to Ledgyr? Nope. I just gain more love and more worry for another baby. That love and worry for my other children still stays. It still stays after one of my children has passed as well. Will he make is so that my arms won’t feel as empty? Yes he will. Completely full? Not even close. I still have that empty hole that will never be filled no matter how many children that I have. 

I can’t believe that he has only been gone a year. It doesn’t feel like last year at this time that he was here in my arms. It feels like an entire lifetime. His memories seem so distant, and I fear that I am starting to forget them. I think about this time last year and wish so much that I could go back and live up to that point with my babies over and over again. I hate what is coming in 6 days. I feel like it is a blessing that Ledgyr could come any day, but I feel like I am so focused on my pain and sadness. I’m quite certain that Corby sent us his little brother during this time so that we would feel of the gift and miracle of life and not focus on how our lives were turned completely upside down last year with him leaving us. I am having a hard time focusing on that part though. The trees changing and the weather getting cooler don’t bring calmness and comfort to my soul like they used to. It now brings a lot of anxiety and emptiness to my soul. I used to absolutely love fall. I loved the smells the colors and even the change in wardrobe. It was my favorite time of year. It was the time of year that my eternal companion proposed and asked me to spend eternity with him. It was the time of year that Corby came into our lives. It was also the time of year that he left our lives. That, so far, has trumped everything else, and I don’t know if it will ever change. I hope that Ledgyr’s calm spiritual birth can help with making this time of year be better for me. I’m hoping my next entry will be a happy one. One of birth and life and excitement.