Hiatus and The Real Face of Grief

I have taken a hiatus from writing for some reasons that I’m still unsure if I should start back up again. I have had so much floating around in my head, and it has made me overly emotional quite often. Feelings have been hurt. Apologies never made, and I doubt they ever will. This time away was spun from me feeling like people don’t care about my feelings. Because it wasn’t a big deal to them means that it shouldn’t be a big deal to me. My grief has been included in that mix. I have had people, close to me including neighbors and friends that have quietly behind my back talked about how I’m not grieving the correct way. There have been plenty of eye rolls, awkward silence, and glances away when my son is brought up, and every single time it still hurts just the same.

I have one thing to say to all of those that feel like my grief doesn’t matter. That my feelings don’t matter. That something that may not have seemed emotional or a big deal to you- I hope you NEVER have to understand. I hope that you will gain your compassion and caring without having to experience such a tragedy in your own life. That the simple word SORRY will be at the edge of your lips to say easily when you know that you have hurt someone. 

I’ve come to the conclusion that if people feel that I’m not grieving properly, or that they are annoyed by me and what I am emotional about then they can ignore what I have to say. Frankly- they can ignore me in person. I don’t care. I don’t need people in my life that don’t care about my feelings. I'm not going to waste my time or energy on someone that doesn’t care about me.

I NEED to write. It’s what helps me wake up each morning and get out of bed. I know that my story is a train wreck and the “rubber-neckers” can’t help but slam on their breaks to look. They are also the ones that have the most to say about their opinion about me. So to those “rubber-neckers”, I’m not here to be the next news story. I’m not here to be your next opinion. I’m here to help me, and to help other people that may be in a similar situation hoping to find some solace in knowing that their feelings are real and matter. I wished that there was a blog or somewhere I could have gone after Corbyn died to read and know that I wasn’t crazy. That all those emotions and feelings are all normal. I didn’t. I have hope that this blog will be that for someone. 

Stay if you would like, but know that sugar coating isn’t my finest trait, and I’m still going to write no matter who stays or not.

Something that is just recent in our lives has put a lot of fear and weight on my heart. The kids pediatrician reached out to the pediatrician that is part of the research that Corby is part of back at Boston Children’s Hospital. She has been with us from the very beginning and she understands our fears of getting the rest of Addy’s vaccinations as well as getting Ledgyr vaccinated all together. There is no proof that the flu shot had anything to do with why Corbyn died. There isn’t set research out there that has statistics showing deaths related to vaccinations. The vaccination injury table clearly states seizures and death as possible side effects. According to VAERS it is also the most filed vaccination for injury. So all of this gives reason for me to think it HAS to have something to do with it. Which brings a whole new emotion and extreme guilt to my baby's death.  I’m going at all of this blindly, and terrified. Our pediatrician worked with this other pediatrician to help come up with some kind of game plan. I met with her and we discussed possible game plans. One of which was vaccinate one vaccine at a time and have them monitored for 24 hours. That all sounds comfortable, but my gut still is saying no. She’s in the process of seeing if the insurance company will cover the 24 hour hospital monitoring. Part of me hopes  that it doesn’t. I know that she won’t force me into anything, but I still don’t think that I’m ready, or ever will be. I'm leaning towards not vaccinating for several reasons and doing some educated research. This post will also help for some people to understand. 

This throws a wrench in our lives, though. Addy will be starting kindergarten this fall, and is not fully caught up with her vaccinations. I’m not sure the fight I’ll have to go through for that.  We have lost our sitter, and daycare centers won’t take Ledgyr because he isn’t vaccinated at all. At least not any daycare that I trust. So where do I turn? What do I do? To me, these decisions are life and death. It may not seem that way for everyone else, but how many people are out there that have had a child die after being vaccinated? I believe those are the only people that fully understand what we are going through. ( I have been writing this post over the last several months... Thankfully since I wrote this paragraph we have had the blessing for Brock to get a new job that he works from home. This has been such an answer to our prayers because we were both so worried and stressed on what we were going to do with our children. I know that my Heavenly Father listens and answers prayers in ways that he feels that we need.) 

I’ve become a recluse these last several months. I feel I’m slowly losing friends because they don’t get it. I don’t want to explain to every person why one day I’m up for casually talking and the next I want to sit inside staring at the ceiling. I don’t want to have to explain why I couldn’t be there for someone every minute of every day when I needed someone there for me every minute of every day just so that I could take full breaths. I shouldn't have to explain my actions nor should I be judged and speculated about WHEN YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!!  Then again if I tried explaining it to everyone how many of them would then quietly eye roll and talk behind my back about how I’m not grieving right, or using it as an excuse? A grieving mother shouldn’t have to face the ridicule and challenges of so many opinions that someone that thinks they know better has. Yes- I’m fully aware that I should try to not let this bother me. I can say that I have done that for 2 years. The last eight months haven’t been so easy for me. I’m tired of fighting my hell every day of waking up and not having my son with me. This trial doesn’t ever end for me. I don’t get to take some magic pill and he will be back. I don’t get to wake up from this nightmare. I shouldn’t have to fight the judgments of family and friends on top of it all. Just because everyone else has moved on with their lives and this isn't so new to them doesn't mean that it isn't just as fresh and raw for me as the day that it all happened. Grief doesn't have a timeline. It doesn't have a process. You don't move from one grief step to the other graduating each step. It's the craziest roller coaster ride that you have EVER seen or been on. You may feel like you are doing great until you turn a corner and all the sudden plummet 500 feet back to ground zero starting from the very beginning with your rawness and emotions. It's just as unexpected for you as it is for everyone else that is on the ride with you. You shouldn't have to explain to everyone else on the ride what in the heck just happened when you have no idea either! 

How many people can say that when someone dies that they are jealous of them? How many people long for the day that they die? No I'm not suicidal. Was I before my loving husband saw the signs and gave me a much needed blessing? Unfortunately, yes I was. Will that be my last? Probably not. I always thought I was doing so well on my "grief journey" that I wouldn't ever reach the point of feeling like jumping out of the car going 80 mph would be a much better option than feeling the pain, guilt, and heartache. Now, I know that I can't discard any emotion or thought that I never thought I would have. Jealousy for the death of an individual is also one of those thoughts that I never thought was even a possibility of thinking about. It's now a constant thought when someone passes. They get to see my son. They get to be with him while I still have to stay. 

A few weeks ago was the first time that I heard one of the songs that was sung at Corbyn's funeral. We were driving in the car and when it came on the radio an emotion overcame me even before I realized what song it was. It was the song that my aunt sang. It’s a beautiful song. I can't remember, but I know we talked about her even changing when it said baby to say mama. I love the song and it makes me feel like my baby is speaking to me. I needed to hear it that day as I felt so down and discouraged. It brought all of the rawness of his death to the surface along with all of my emotions I have been trying to bury, for several months. I am still so raw even 2.5 years later. I still physically get sick, I still physically ache. I still cry uncontrollably-usually behind closed doors. I still get so frustrated wondering why me!?!? I still wonder so many 'what if's'. I still can't take deep breaths more often than not. I still wish more than anything I would have listened to the prompting for the nurse to not give him his shot that day. ALL of it is still just a fresh. 

Now that I'm pregnant with our 4th child doesn't help with the emotions at all. Hormones are crazy enough just by themselves. Adding fear and grief along with those emotions turns it into a complete sideshow of terror! This pregnancy hasn't been any easy one for me. There have been so many times that I thought I was going to lose this baby. We have kept it quiet because of this. It also took us several months to get pregnant so that has also added to the emotion and wanting to keep it quiet until it felt right for us to start talking about it. It has been a sacred subject that we have wanted to keep to ourselves.  We are so excited for this little one to come into our family.We have just recently also found out that we will be adding another little GIRL to our family. Addy can't contain her excitement!  Just as I did with Ledgyr, though, I wonder if she will look like Corbyn. I wonder if this time his blonde hair will be what is passed on to her, or she will get his deep blue eyes.

I can't believe how much Ledgyr has the same facial features and mannerisms as his big brother. Even with the stark black eyes and dark brown hair he still looks so much like his big brother. I can't wait for the day that I give birth and I get to feel my son so close to me again. I miss feeling him so much! I can't wait to hold this sweet little girl knowing that she was just with her brother and she is the closest thing to him.