What are the odds?

I was introduced to a group called SUDC.org. It was founded 10+ years ago by two mothers that their babies passed away the exact same way that my Corby did and now is full of families that have the exact same story all across the world. It is there to help raise awareness for Sudden Unexpected Death in Childhood (SUDC) and right now we are all working very hard to get a bill passed to get some uniformity to how autopsies and investigations happen in SUDC cases to hopefully help research find a cause as to why our babies are gone too soon. We have an email group that we all participate in that we can write to the whole group for courage, uplifting advice, and whatever else we are in need of. It has been a huge comfort to me to know that I am not alone by any means in this awful journey. It also hurts so much to know that I am not alone in this journey. I hate that so many other parents all across the world know my same pain. 

The other night one parent posted an email and this is what some of it says. The topic was about if there has ever been a family that has lost a second child after losing a first. Thankfully out of the 600+ families all across the world not one has had a second child pass on from SUDC. But all of us in this group are still a little weary. This email is a good example of that.

I love the comfort
 of knowing that it has never happened twice to one family,
 however before my healthy daughter passed away I would find
 myself saying 'what are the odds??' A lot. Because I
 was kind of a hypochondriac about everything (if she had a
 runny nose I went to the doc, slept in a bit later I would
 run into her room. My only comfort was 'what are the
 odds of her dying?'.Well needless to say,
 they were sadly pretty good. So now I say to
 myself with my 11 month old 'what are the odds of us
 losing two children?' And I just can't shrug it off
 anymore and take comfort in that statistic anymore. Believe
 me, I want to, but having faith that everything is going to
 be okay keeps getting tougher the closer we get to our son
 being the same age our daughter was when she passed.
 It's like every night when I go to bed I feel like my
 perfectly healthy son is fighting for his life. I get
 horrible anxiety about it, and what used to be a relaxing
 time becomes this nightmare of a night. Anyone else have
 this anxiety leading up to the age of their child's
 death with their other children?

This is my response to what this parent wrote that sums up my feelings.

 I too have lost a lot of my faith. I have lost my trust in my Heavenly Father that he will keep
 my children safe when I can't. I think that it was so easy for him to take my perfectly healthy baby boy why
 couldn't he take another from me. I picture Addy dead all the time when I go in to check on her the several times a night I do and with Ledgyr due to come any day now I am terrified that I'm going to find him dead too and I'm sure I will also picture him dead and my mind will play tricks on me thinking that I will see him with blue
 lips etc when he really doesn't. Lisa (name has been changed), you stated it so well when you feel like your son is fighting for his life and that you aren't going to have much longer with him. That's how I feel too! I write to my babies in an email journal that I will give them when they are older and I haven't been able to write to Addy because I usually would end my email saying that I look forward to watching her grow up or many more birthdays with her etc. I used to write those things in Corby's journal too and I feel like I jinxed him by saying those things, and I feel like if I continue to write those things to Addy that I will jinx her too. Having been part of this group for a few months and I see that our babies have all passed at different ages I know there isn't a magical age to feel like my babies are safe. Before Corby passed I thought that magical age was 12 months because I was safe from SIDS. That obviously became untrue. I don't know if I will feel comfortable at any age. Even when Ledgyr and our future children pass 13.5 months I know that children have passed after that age from being part of this group. So to answer your question about anxiety-Yes, I have it very bad and I fear that I will have it even after they all pass the 13.5 month mark.   One thing I do know that Corby's passing has made me be more grateful for every moment with Addy and every kick and movement from Ledgyr. People keep asking me why I'm so worried and they get uncomfortable when I say that I'm worried because I know my children die. They usually don't know what to say after that. I'm now considered that other person that those things only happen to other people. So no they don't understand when I talk like that to them. I definitely have become more blunt with people since this all happened and so far haven't lost any friends over it. I wish that my anxiety will lessen, but I'm not holding my hopes too high. 

It’s really easy to feel betrayed by the one person you trusted most, your Heavenly Father, I trusted him that he wouldn’t take my babies from me. Yes, I have talked about how he has comforted me through all of this and has carried me on several occasions, but I am mortal. I don’t understand his plan and I do, indeed, have many thoughts creep in dealing with my distrust in Him. Yes, I know that everything happens for a reason and if his plan consisted of him taking another one of my children from me I couldn’t do a single thing to stop it. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to fight my very hardest to try and make that not happen. It doesn’t mean that I’m not going to worry every second of every day about my babies and my husband. I’m a fighter I always have been and I don’t plan on that ever changing.

If we all had an answer as to why our children have left this earth too soon it may help and comfort us to have more trust, but because we don’t know we don’t know what to watch for or look for. We all suffer from PTSD to some extent or another as I’m sure a lot of people that have lost a loved one also do. That is now what our minds, as SUDC parents, have been trained to look for is not a healthy sleeping child, but a lifeless one. It’s a tragic truth that I wish I never knew about. Like I have stated before I wish I had my innocent happiness back. Unfortunately, I realize I will never get that back, but learn to live a new normal- a new kind of happiness. Superficial? At times, yes. I often wonder if the deep down happiness will ever be something that I will have the privilege to enjoy on this earth. For now superficial is going to have to work.