Day 16 – CREATIVE GRIEF

Day 16 – CREATIVE GRIEF There is such a deep-rooted yearning that we feel when our beloved children die. This yearning hurts so bad and yet it also inspires us to get creative to do something beautiful in memory of our children. Have you done anything in memory of your child? Maybe it is something your created for them. A tattoo or a piece of jewellery or artwork. Did you create a garden? Maybe you created an organization or a charity benefit. Maybe you took up a new practice. A new hobby. Writing, painting, dancing, reading. Whatever it is share your mementos.

I am continuing to think of ways to honor my son on a daily basis. We ran our first half marathon just 7 days after Corby passed to honor him. 

We quickly came up with our racing for Corbyn group that we race different races from triathlon's, half marathons, half centuries, and we continue to add to that list. 

We have moved from the only home that Corby knew and I have tried to make sure that I have kept his memory in our home. His crib is still set up. There are pictures of him all over in our home.

His towel still hangs in his brother's room. We are working on getting our back yard completed and it's taking longer than usual. For me it's mostly because we want to do a "Corby corner" where there will be a tree with a bench around it and a garden. I'm having a difficult time deciding exactly what I want because it doesn't seem perfect and I need it to be perfect. 

This Christmas we will be helping to provide a Christmas for a less fortunate family and we are calling it "Corby's Christmas". He was very giving and we want to continue to honor that about him. 

The one thing that I do that has helped me the most is the "Corby baskets" I give to parents that also lose a child. The biggest part of this basket is it has a journal type book for friends and family to write down thoughts and memories of the child. It then plays as a comfort for the family to have a book full of memories of their child. 

I also have a necklace that I never take off with Corby's name imprinted on it. As well as a ring with three sapphires.

It reminds me of my Corbyn's deep blue eyes and that is why Brock got it for me. 

 I hope to continue to find ways to keep my baby's memory alive and to honor him. I hope that his memory will continue to spread and awareness will be made for SUDC. 

Day 15 – WAVE OF LIGHT

Day 15 –
 WAVE OF LIGHT As
 a wave of
 light makes its
 way around the world today, we take some time out to honour
 and remember our children. It is a day of sacred remembrance
 and a day of awareness. What does this community mean to
 you? Where would you be without it? What would you like to
 see happen in the future for this community? Share your
 candles of light and hope.

Because Corby passed just two years ago (in three days) this whole month is a month of remembrance for me and our family. This community or club has been a life preserver to me. I feel like I have a bond with all of the other bereaved parents and a connection that only we can understand. In the future I would love to see some reason to why my son and all SUDC babies had to go too soon. I hope that in the future SUDC will be more well known. I hope that my baby's story will be spread throughout the world and will change people's lives.  I would love if people lit a candle today in honor of our Corby

Day 14 – EXPRESS YOUR HEART (pregnancy)

Day 14 – EXPRESS YOUR HEART This is the day in month where you can say whatever it is on your heart that you would like. Is there anything that you were hoping would be in this month of subjects that wasn’t? I am sure there is a bunch of things! This is your chance to share it. Find your voice. What is it that you want to express. If you are lost for words a subject that you could write about is grief myths. What does grief look like for you?

Pregnancy.... This subject has been weighing on my mind heavily lately. October, actually, is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I had no idea that this month was dedicated to that until I lost one of my own children. I would always only hear about breast cancer awareness. I'm coming to find out that people don't like to talk about other people's children that have passed on. It's an uncomfortable subject that I wish wasn't so uncomfortable. I have focused on the loss of my son a lot which I feel I have every right to do. Hopefully with me talking and being so open about my story people will learn that it's OK and can feel comfortable around all mothers and fathers that have lost a child. Today I want to focus on the pregnancy part of the awareness this month since I have the fear of losing a child through pregnancy and beyond. Not just infant loss. 

There is a wide range of feelings when it comes to the subject of pregnancy. Some women can't get pregnant and cry themselves to sleep every night wishing to hold a child of their own. Some can't get pregnant, but that is OK with them. While others get pregnant with ease whether wanting that child or not. Some women can't carry a baby to full term for some unknown reason no matter how hard they try. Some women have to fear about known genetics that could possibly take another child of theirs.  When it comes to pregnancy this subject can bring up some touchy feelings. It's a very personal subject, but people will bring it up, anyway, all the time. Which I'm glad for because I think that our society is becoming more comfortable talking about things that used to be otherwise taboo. For me, I'm OK with talking about it, but they better be ready for an ear full as to my reasoning behind what I'm feeling and thinking.

I have been very blessed with my three children. When I became pregnant with Addy and Corby I had the slight fear that I would lose them, but it never turned into complete terror. I was blissfully and innocently happy.  I know that there are women out there that never experience a loss or have to know that fear, but there are many more women out there that experience it. I have a very factual way of thinking. I went into the medical field because of this. That is why for me it kills me to not have answers as to why Corby passed.  I found these statistics quite informative. 

• Nearly 30,000 babies a year are born stillborn. The number of stillbirths that occur worldwide jumps to more than 4.5 million/year.
• More babies die as a result of stillbirth than all other causes of infant death combined.
• Stillbirth occurs ten times more frequently than S.I.D.S.
• 15-20% of all clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage each year.
• The average cost to bury a child is $10,000. Yet the average household income in the United States is just over $50,000/year. (I have vented about this in another post. You can read that here)

Reference

I can't find the reference so don't quote me, but I read, early on in  my grief, somewhere that 1 in 4 parents lose a child. That's 25%!!!! That is a lot of people that know about the possibility of child death and have the fear of losing another child! 

Now that Ledgyr is turning one- people feel it's OK to start asking if we are going to have more children. Brock and I know that we want more children and we know that there are more children that are supposed to be in our family. I am not quite sure how to respond when people ask if we are going to start trying for another baby soon. Do they want the long or short answer?

Here is my reasoning... I absolutely loved how close in age Addy and Corby were. They were best friends and playmates. Addy didn't think of Corby as her little brother that she had to be the bigger sister to. She thought of him as her friend, and I loved watching them together. I will never forget that last day as I was getting ready for work and Corby and Addy were playing in her room when I heard her say "come on Corvin (that was how Addy would say his name) lets go for a walk".Then she plopped her little bum down in the doll stroller. Corby walked behind the stroller and started pushing her and was as happy as could be. After Corby passed Addy would wake up in the morning and want to watch cartoons, but would then pause and say that she would wait because Corby wasn't awake yet.  She did everything with her brother and it took her a while before she remembered that her other half of her wasn't around anymore. 

​
 When I was pregnant with Ledgyr and shortly after I had him I thought that I would want to have another baby close to Ledgyr so that he could have a playmate like Corby was to Addy. The months started approaching that we needed to start thinking about getting pregnant again and immediate panic started to set in. I had a really hard emotional pregnancy with Ledgyr. I constantly had the thought that if it was so easy for Heavenly Father to take a perfectly healthy child of mine why couldn't he take another. I woke up every day thinking that, for sure, I wasn't going to feel my baby moving any more. I was nervous all of the time and terrified of all the problems that were sure to arise at any moment. To say that I had extreme anxiety would be an understatement. I had some pretty dark times while pregnant and my grief seemed to be more intense due to the pregnancy hormones. That is the problem that I am having about having another child. I'm not ready to experience that all again. I'm not ready to have intense fear for yet another of my children. I'm not ready to have to find yet another provider, now that we have moved, to explain all this to- helping him or her understand my fears and anxiety without wanting to shove pills down me to "make me feel better". I'm not ready to explain to them that I'm not going to commit suicide as I'm sobbing to them and refusing to take the meds they prescribed to "help". I'm not ready to fight to not have another c-section. I never want Corby's c-section scar touched. It is now sacred to me. I'm not ready to go through more genetic testing for the new baby to help ease my fears of that child passing away as well. I'm not ready to explain to people why I'm not ready to get another one of my children vaccinated. 

With all three of my other children I was sure that they needed to come. Now I doubt whether I know what I'm thinking anymore. I doubt my doubts. I doubt my faith. I'm confused with what to think anymore. This is just my reasoning as to why I don't need another child right now. There are 4.5 million+ other mothers out there that have their reason for their choices too. Let them talk about them. Let them be heard. Let them talk about their angels. We all need someone to listen to us. 

Day 13 – REGRETS + TRIGGERS

Day 13 – REGRETS + TRIGGERS What are some regrets that you have about your experience with grief so far? Do you believe there is a way to heal that regret? Do you have any grief triggers? Maybe it is the pregnant woman in the store or a scent that reminds you of that time in your life. Perhaps it is a sound, song, season etc. Share what pulls on your heart strings.

The biggest regret that I have about my experience of grief is not writing down all the memories that I remember about Corby so I can read them any time I'm having a hard time. As I was going through emails that I have written him since he passed there were so many memories that I read about that I didn't remember until I read them. I have tried to be pretty good about writing the memories, but I know that I have missed a lot that I have thought or talked about. I really don't have any other regrets. I made a vow that I would never leave my son out, no matter the situation, and if the conversation arises about Corbyn's death I always talk about it. I'm trying to heal my regret by writing more memories and I have also requested our family and friends to write down memories they have of Corby as well. I would like to eventually compile all those memories into a book. If anyone would like to add a memory to his book I would love that! Just message me or email me!

As far as triggers, I have plenty. A big trigger is the fall season. I used to love fall. I loved the crisp cool air, the clothing, the smell, the flavors, the colors. Pretty much all aspects of fall I loved. Until my son passed away during the fall season. Now with the first sign of fall all it does is cause extreme anxiety. I sleep less, cry more, and anger quicker. It also reminds me of the Halloween that Corby never was part of.

He was all ready to be Gus Gus with his sissy who was Cinderella. I was so excited for Halloween that year, but it never happened. His brand new costume is still hanging on the hanger waiting to be worn out trick or treating. 

The little squeaks of Ledgyr are starting to sound more like Corbyn and each day it becomes more of a trigger for me. My my blonde haired nephew that is just 6 months younger than Corbyn is a huge trigger for me. He is such a happy, beautiful little boy, but seeing how he's growing throws me over the edge quite often. I heard him talk the other day and say little sentences and it made me think about how I didn't ever get to hear Corby say sentences or actual words and never will. Even just seeing the back of his head while he's playing throws me for a loop and pulls at my heart strings because, for a second, my mind plays tricks that it's Corby. Really, any blonde hair blue eyed little boy that is Corby's same age or the age that he was when he passed I have a hard time with. 

I'm hoping that those triggers will become less over time, but for now I do everything I can to protect my heart- hoping that I don't cause any hard feelings along the way. 

Day-12 Normalizing Grief

Day 12 – NORMALIZING GRIEF Often while grieving we have feelings of isolation because we fear judgement that what we are feeling isn’t normal. But it is amazing to see just how many people feel the same way. When others stand up and express how they feel through sharing their experiences, it allows us to say “Hey, I feel that way too!”. Connecting with and communicating our experiences we are able to normalize our grief for ourselves and others. So share something about your grief journey that you might feel is strange or not common. It might be something you do to remember your children or maybe it is something you fear. By sharing these parts of our stories we can educate others on the grief experience. 

I have always been told to raise my children to not be spoiled, but to love them unconditionally and let them know that they are loved.  I was never very good at listening to their advice about not spoiling, but definitely did the later very well. I have regrets, now, that I didn't spoil Corby enough. I wish that I would have never let him cry himself to sleep the one night that he wouldn't go to sleep and I was so exhausted. I'm thankful that I didn't listen to his pediatrician when she said that I needed to lay him in his bed so that he didn't get in the habit of needing to be rocked or nursed to sleep. Now, there are some nights that I will pull Ledgyr out of his bed just so that I can rock him and listen to him breath. I will put him to sleep most nights by nursing him and I don't care if that is something that he gets used to. When I go to bed at night I have to check on both him and Addy. I will put my hand on their chests to make sure that they are still breathing, and I have to make sure that I give them a kiss on their cheek. Nowhere else but their cheeks. That was the one thing that I hated I couldn't kiss on Corby when I said goodbye to him that night in the ER. His cheeks were all taped up and covered because they intubated him. I don't remember what his cheek felt like the last time that I kissed it and it kills me. The last thing that I remember feeling on my lips was me putting my mouth over his to give him CPR. 
The days after, I racked my brain wondering what I did wrong. Before we got the autopsy report back I blamed everyone. I blamed the pediatrician I took Corbyn into the week prior because I feared that there was a crackle in his chest that was going to turn into pneumonia and he didn't catch that there was something wrong with Corby. I blamed myself (and still do) that I killed my son because I took him that morning and gave him the flu shot. That was the only thing that was different that day and I can't get over that it didn't have something to do with it. Even though I have had countless physicians tell me that it probably was a coincidence. I thought along the lines that he must have gotten into something under the sink and I blamed myself that I didn't keep those cupboards locked better. After I found out that he had gliosis and an abnormal hippocampus I now blame myself that I did something wrong when I was pregnant with him that made his gliosis form. I blame myself that possibly his gliosis was from me not nourishing him better. From all check ups and growth it showed that he was happy and healthy, but what if? I blame myself for things that weren't even the case   
When I go into check on my kids most nights I will look at both Addy and Ledgyr and they will look like they aren't breathing and are grey. There has only been a couple of times that I have panicked and woke them up. Usually when I go in and my heart is pounding I try to make a noise loud enough to make them move, but not enough to wake them. Ledgyr had to sleep right next to me for the first 6 months of his life and I would wake up all the time just to make sure that he was still breathing. I am so terrified that I am going to find one of my other children dead that I have been prescribed Ambien so that I can get a couple of hours of sleep a night. As soon as it wears off around 2-3 am I am right back up checking on them. My anxiety it higher right now due to Ledgyr reaching the same age as Corbyn was when he passed as well as Corby's angel day too. I used to not be able to pinpoint the issues of my anxiety at first. Now I can, for the most part, recognize what is causing my anxiety and either know I can ride the wave out or find the help that I need. The grief counselor that I was going to for a while was the help that I would turn to a lot during my early days. She would help me realize that the things I was thinking or doing weren't crazy and that I was simply grieving. She talked to me about healthy grieving and not healthy grieving. There was a longer list of things under the healthy grieving than not. 

For instance-

I obsess over everything. I take video and pictures of my living children constantly. I don't want to miss anything, and every time I do all I think about is I'm taking this so that I will have it later for when they are gone too. I think about everything as being sentimental now, from the corn dog stick Ledgyr chewed on at lunch to the smudges on the window he made as being precious because that could be the last thing from him. I made Brock pull off Corby's handprints that were on the TV screen just so that I could have them.

 I have saved a spoon with peanut butter on it that had Corby's two bottom teeth marks in it. I have kept an empty bottle of hair gel and a prescription bottle because Corby chewed on them and left little teeth marks everywhere. Someone thought that it was weird that I kept an expired bottle of baby acid reflux medicine in the cupboard and the only reason I do is because it was Corby's prescription. The last meal that he ever ate is in the bottom of my freezer in a tupperware and zip lock bag. I still have his toothbrush in the cup with the other kid's tooth brushes. His towel is hanging next to Ledgyr's in his closet. His crib is still set up with some of his blankets still in it. I have a plant that someone gave me after Corbyn passed that I try desperately to keep alive because I feel that it is somehow keeping part of my son alive.

I haven't been able to use any of Corby's clothes on Ledgyr. I tried the other day with a shirt that Corby never wore that he got for his birthday and lost it. I wish more than anything I saw Corby in all those clothes. 
These are all things that grieving parents do. I felt so crazy with some of the things that I have done, but have been reassured on multiple visits to my grief counselor that I am just grieving. I am trying to keep the memory of my son alive the best I can. I'm not going to get over this and move on. That will NEVER happen.