Day-12 Normalizing Grief

Day 12 – NORMALIZING GRIEF Often while grieving we have feelings of isolation because we fear judgement that what we are feeling isn’t normal. But it is amazing to see just how many people feel the same way. When others stand up and express how they feel through sharing their experiences, it allows us to say “Hey, I feel that way too!”. Connecting with and communicating our experiences we are able to normalize our grief for ourselves and others. So share something about your grief journey that you might feel is strange or not common. It might be something you do to remember your children or maybe it is something you fear. By sharing these parts of our stories we can educate others on the grief experience. 

I have always been told to raise my children to not be spoiled, but to love them unconditionally and let them know that they are loved.  I was never very good at listening to their advice about not spoiling, but definitely did the later very well. I have regrets, now, that I didn't spoil Corby enough. I wish that I would have never let him cry himself to sleep the one night that he wouldn't go to sleep and I was so exhausted. I'm thankful that I didn't listen to his pediatrician when she said that I needed to lay him in his bed so that he didn't get in the habit of needing to be rocked or nursed to sleep. Now, there are some nights that I will pull Ledgyr out of his bed just so that I can rock him and listen to him breath. I will put him to sleep most nights by nursing him and I don't care if that is something that he gets used to. When I go to bed at night I have to check on both him and Addy. I will put my hand on their chests to make sure that they are still breathing, and I have to make sure that I give them a kiss on their cheek. Nowhere else but their cheeks. That was the one thing that I hated I couldn't kiss on Corby when I said goodbye to him that night in the ER. His cheeks were all taped up and covered because they intubated him. I don't remember what his cheek felt like the last time that I kissed it and it kills me. The last thing that I remember feeling on my lips was me putting my mouth over his to give him CPR. 
The days after, I racked my brain wondering what I did wrong. Before we got the autopsy report back I blamed everyone. I blamed the pediatrician I took Corbyn into the week prior because I feared that there was a crackle in his chest that was going to turn into pneumonia and he didn't catch that there was something wrong with Corby. I blamed myself (and still do) that I killed my son because I took him that morning and gave him the flu shot. That was the only thing that was different that day and I can't get over that it didn't have something to do with it. Even though I have had countless physicians tell me that it probably was a coincidence. I thought along the lines that he must have gotten into something under the sink and I blamed myself that I didn't keep those cupboards locked better. After I found out that he had gliosis and an abnormal hippocampus I now blame myself that I did something wrong when I was pregnant with him that made his gliosis form. I blame myself that possibly his gliosis was from me not nourishing him better. From all check ups and growth it showed that he was happy and healthy, but what if? I blame myself for things that weren't even the case   
When I go into check on my kids most nights I will look at both Addy and Ledgyr and they will look like they aren't breathing and are grey. There has only been a couple of times that I have panicked and woke them up. Usually when I go in and my heart is pounding I try to make a noise loud enough to make them move, but not enough to wake them. Ledgyr had to sleep right next to me for the first 6 months of his life and I would wake up all the time just to make sure that he was still breathing. I am so terrified that I am going to find one of my other children dead that I have been prescribed Ambien so that I can get a couple of hours of sleep a night. As soon as it wears off around 2-3 am I am right back up checking on them. My anxiety it higher right now due to Ledgyr reaching the same age as Corbyn was when he passed as well as Corby's angel day too. I used to not be able to pinpoint the issues of my anxiety at first. Now I can, for the most part, recognize what is causing my anxiety and either know I can ride the wave out or find the help that I need. The grief counselor that I was going to for a while was the help that I would turn to a lot during my early days. She would help me realize that the things I was thinking or doing weren't crazy and that I was simply grieving. She talked to me about healthy grieving and not healthy grieving. There was a longer list of things under the healthy grieving than not. 

For instance-

I obsess over everything. I take video and pictures of my living children constantly. I don't want to miss anything, and every time I do all I think about is I'm taking this so that I will have it later for when they are gone too. I think about everything as being sentimental now, from the corn dog stick Ledgyr chewed on at lunch to the smudges on the window he made as being precious because that could be the last thing from him. I made Brock pull off Corby's handprints that were on the TV screen just so that I could have them.

 I have saved a spoon with peanut butter on it that had Corby's two bottom teeth marks in it. I have kept an empty bottle of hair gel and a prescription bottle because Corby chewed on them and left little teeth marks everywhere. Someone thought that it was weird that I kept an expired bottle of baby acid reflux medicine in the cupboard and the only reason I do is because it was Corby's prescription. The last meal that he ever ate is in the bottom of my freezer in a tupperware and zip lock bag. I still have his toothbrush in the cup with the other kid's tooth brushes. His towel is hanging next to Ledgyr's in his closet. His crib is still set up with some of his blankets still in it. I have a plant that someone gave me after Corbyn passed that I try desperately to keep alive because I feel that it is somehow keeping part of my son alive.

I haven't been able to use any of Corby's clothes on Ledgyr. I tried the other day with a shirt that Corby never wore that he got for his birthday and lost it. I wish more than anything I saw Corby in all those clothes. 
These are all things that grieving parents do. I felt so crazy with some of the things that I have done, but have been reassured on multiple visits to my grief counselor that I am just grieving. I am trying to keep the memory of my son alive the best I can. I'm not going to get over this and move on. That will NEVER happen.