Day 13 – REGRETS + TRIGGERS

Day 13 – REGRETS + TRIGGERS What are some regrets that you have about your experience with grief so far? Do you believe there is a way to heal that regret? Do you have any grief triggers? Maybe it is the pregnant woman in the store or a scent that reminds you of that time in your life. Perhaps it is a sound, song, season etc. Share what pulls on your heart strings.

The biggest regret that I have about my experience of grief is not writing down all the memories that I remember about Corby so I can read them any time I'm having a hard time. As I was going through emails that I have written him since he passed there were so many memories that I read about that I didn't remember until I read them. I have tried to be pretty good about writing the memories, but I know that I have missed a lot that I have thought or talked about. I really don't have any other regrets. I made a vow that I would never leave my son out, no matter the situation, and if the conversation arises about Corbyn's death I always talk about it. I'm trying to heal my regret by writing more memories and I have also requested our family and friends to write down memories they have of Corby as well. I would like to eventually compile all those memories into a book. If anyone would like to add a memory to his book I would love that! Just message me or email me!

As far as triggers, I have plenty. A big trigger is the fall season. I used to love fall. I loved the crisp cool air, the clothing, the smell, the flavors, the colors. Pretty much all aspects of fall I loved. Until my son passed away during the fall season. Now with the first sign of fall all it does is cause extreme anxiety. I sleep less, cry more, and anger quicker. It also reminds me of the Halloween that Corby never was part of.

He was all ready to be Gus Gus with his sissy who was Cinderella. I was so excited for Halloween that year, but it never happened. His brand new costume is still hanging on the hanger waiting to be worn out trick or treating. 

The little squeaks of Ledgyr are starting to sound more like Corbyn and each day it becomes more of a trigger for me. My my blonde haired nephew that is just 6 months younger than Corbyn is a huge trigger for me. He is such a happy, beautiful little boy, but seeing how he's growing throws me over the edge quite often. I heard him talk the other day and say little sentences and it made me think about how I didn't ever get to hear Corby say sentences or actual words and never will. Even just seeing the back of his head while he's playing throws me for a loop and pulls at my heart strings because, for a second, my mind plays tricks that it's Corby. Really, any blonde hair blue eyed little boy that is Corby's same age or the age that he was when he passed I have a hard time with. 

I'm hoping that those triggers will become less over time, but for now I do everything I can to protect my heart- hoping that I don't cause any hard feelings along the way.