Day 14 – EXPRESS YOUR HEART (pregnancy)

Day 14 – EXPRESS YOUR HEART This is the day in month where you can say whatever it is on your heart that you would like. Is there anything that you were hoping would be in this month of subjects that wasn’t? I am sure there is a bunch of things! This is your chance to share it. Find your voice. What is it that you want to express. If you are lost for words a subject that you could write about is grief myths. What does grief look like for you?

Pregnancy.... This subject has been weighing on my mind heavily lately. October, actually, is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I had no idea that this month was dedicated to that until I lost one of my own children. I would always only hear about breast cancer awareness. I'm coming to find out that people don't like to talk about other people's children that have passed on. It's an uncomfortable subject that I wish wasn't so uncomfortable. I have focused on the loss of my son a lot which I feel I have every right to do. Hopefully with me talking and being so open about my story people will learn that it's OK and can feel comfortable around all mothers and fathers that have lost a child. Today I want to focus on the pregnancy part of the awareness this month since I have the fear of losing a child through pregnancy and beyond. Not just infant loss. 

There is a wide range of feelings when it comes to the subject of pregnancy. Some women can't get pregnant and cry themselves to sleep every night wishing to hold a child of their own. Some can't get pregnant, but that is OK with them. While others get pregnant with ease whether wanting that child or not. Some women can't carry a baby to full term for some unknown reason no matter how hard they try. Some women have to fear about known genetics that could possibly take another child of theirs.  When it comes to pregnancy this subject can bring up some touchy feelings. It's a very personal subject, but people will bring it up, anyway, all the time. Which I'm glad for because I think that our society is becoming more comfortable talking about things that used to be otherwise taboo. For me, I'm OK with talking about it, but they better be ready for an ear full as to my reasoning behind what I'm feeling and thinking.

I have been very blessed with my three children. When I became pregnant with Addy and Corby I had the slight fear that I would lose them, but it never turned into complete terror. I was blissfully and innocently happy.  I know that there are women out there that never experience a loss or have to know that fear, but there are many more women out there that experience it. I have a very factual way of thinking. I went into the medical field because of this. That is why for me it kills me to not have answers as to why Corby passed.  I found these statistics quite informative. 

• Nearly 30,000 babies a year are born stillborn. The number of stillbirths that occur worldwide jumps to more than 4.5 million/year.
• More babies die as a result of stillbirth than all other causes of infant death combined.
• Stillbirth occurs ten times more frequently than S.I.D.S.
• 15-20% of all clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage each year.
• The average cost to bury a child is $10,000. Yet the average household income in the United States is just over $50,000/year. (I have vented about this in another post. You can read that here)

Reference

I can't find the reference so don't quote me, but I read, early on in  my grief, somewhere that 1 in 4 parents lose a child. That's 25%!!!! That is a lot of people that know about the possibility of child death and have the fear of losing another child! 

Now that Ledgyr is turning one- people feel it's OK to start asking if we are going to have more children. Brock and I know that we want more children and we know that there are more children that are supposed to be in our family. I am not quite sure how to respond when people ask if we are going to start trying for another baby soon. Do they want the long or short answer?

Here is my reasoning... I absolutely loved how close in age Addy and Corby were. They were best friends and playmates. Addy didn't think of Corby as her little brother that she had to be the bigger sister to. She thought of him as her friend, and I loved watching them together. I will never forget that last day as I was getting ready for work and Corby and Addy were playing in her room when I heard her say "come on Corvin (that was how Addy would say his name) lets go for a walk".Then she plopped her little bum down in the doll stroller. Corby walked behind the stroller and started pushing her and was as happy as could be. After Corby passed Addy would wake up in the morning and want to watch cartoons, but would then pause and say that she would wait because Corby wasn't awake yet.  She did everything with her brother and it took her a while before she remembered that her other half of her wasn't around anymore. 

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 When I was pregnant with Ledgyr and shortly after I had him I thought that I would want to have another baby close to Ledgyr so that he could have a playmate like Corby was to Addy. The months started approaching that we needed to start thinking about getting pregnant again and immediate panic started to set in. I had a really hard emotional pregnancy with Ledgyr. I constantly had the thought that if it was so easy for Heavenly Father to take a perfectly healthy child of mine why couldn't he take another. I woke up every day thinking that, for sure, I wasn't going to feel my baby moving any more. I was nervous all of the time and terrified of all the problems that were sure to arise at any moment. To say that I had extreme anxiety would be an understatement. I had some pretty dark times while pregnant and my grief seemed to be more intense due to the pregnancy hormones. That is the problem that I am having about having another child. I'm not ready to experience that all again. I'm not ready to have intense fear for yet another of my children. I'm not ready to have to find yet another provider, now that we have moved, to explain all this to- helping him or her understand my fears and anxiety without wanting to shove pills down me to "make me feel better". I'm not ready to explain to them that I'm not going to commit suicide as I'm sobbing to them and refusing to take the meds they prescribed to "help". I'm not ready to fight to not have another c-section. I never want Corby's c-section scar touched. It is now sacred to me. I'm not ready to go through more genetic testing for the new baby to help ease my fears of that child passing away as well. I'm not ready to explain to people why I'm not ready to get another one of my children vaccinated. 

With all three of my other children I was sure that they needed to come. Now I doubt whether I know what I'm thinking anymore. I doubt my doubts. I doubt my faith. I'm confused with what to think anymore. This is just my reasoning as to why I don't need another child right now. There are 4.5 million+ other mothers out there that have their reason for their choices too. Let them talk about them. Let them be heard. Let them talk about their angels. We all need someone to listen to us.