Day 14 – EXPRESS YOUR HEART (pregnancy)

Day 14 – EXPRESS YOUR HEART This is the day in month where you can say whatever it is on your heart that you would like. Is there anything that you were hoping would be in this month of subjects that wasn’t? I am sure there is a bunch of things! This is your chance to share it. Find your voice. What is it that you want to express. If you are lost for words a subject that you could write about is grief myths. What does grief look like for you?

Pregnancy.... This subject has been weighing on my mind heavily lately. October, actually, is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I had no idea that this month was dedicated to that until I lost one of my own children. I would always only hear about breast cancer awareness. I'm coming to find out that people don't like to talk about other people's children that have passed on. It's an uncomfortable subject that I wish wasn't so uncomfortable. I have focused on the loss of my son a lot which I feel I have every right to do. Hopefully with me talking and being so open about my story people will learn that it's OK and can feel comfortable around all mothers and fathers that have lost a child. Today I want to focus on the pregnancy part of the awareness this month since I have the fear of losing a child through pregnancy and beyond. Not just infant loss. 

There is a wide range of feelings when it comes to the subject of pregnancy. Some women can't get pregnant and cry themselves to sleep every night wishing to hold a child of their own. Some can't get pregnant, but that is OK with them. While others get pregnant with ease whether wanting that child or not. Some women can't carry a baby to full term for some unknown reason no matter how hard they try. Some women have to fear about known genetics that could possibly take another child of theirs.  When it comes to pregnancy this subject can bring up some touchy feelings. It's a very personal subject, but people will bring it up, anyway, all the time. Which I'm glad for because I think that our society is becoming more comfortable talking about things that used to be otherwise taboo. For me, I'm OK with talking about it, but they better be ready for an ear full as to my reasoning behind what I'm feeling and thinking.

I have been very blessed with my three children. When I became pregnant with Addy and Corby I had the slight fear that I would lose them, but it never turned into complete terror. I was blissfully and innocently happy.  I know that there are women out there that never experience a loss or have to know that fear, but there are many more women out there that experience it. I have a very factual way of thinking. I went into the medical field because of this. That is why for me it kills me to not have answers as to why Corby passed.  I found these statistics quite informative. 

• Nearly 30,000 babies a year are born stillborn. The number of stillbirths that occur worldwide jumps to more than 4.5 million/year.
• More babies die as a result of stillbirth than all other causes of infant death combined.
• Stillbirth occurs ten times more frequently than S.I.D.S.
• 15-20% of all clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage each year.
• The average cost to bury a child is $10,000. Yet the average household income in the United States is just over $50,000/year. (I have vented about this in another post. You can read that here)

Reference

I can't find the reference so don't quote me, but I read, early on in  my grief, somewhere that 1 in 4 parents lose a child. That's 25%!!!! That is a lot of people that know about the possibility of child death and have the fear of losing another child! 

Now that Ledgyr is turning one- people feel it's OK to start asking if we are going to have more children. Brock and I know that we want more children and we know that there are more children that are supposed to be in our family. I am not quite sure how to respond when people ask if we are going to start trying for another baby soon. Do they want the long or short answer?

Here is my reasoning... I absolutely loved how close in age Addy and Corby were. They were best friends and playmates. Addy didn't think of Corby as her little brother that she had to be the bigger sister to. She thought of him as her friend, and I loved watching them together. I will never forget that last day as I was getting ready for work and Corby and Addy were playing in her room when I heard her say "come on Corvin (that was how Addy would say his name) lets go for a walk".Then she plopped her little bum down in the doll stroller. Corby walked behind the stroller and started pushing her and was as happy as could be. After Corby passed Addy would wake up in the morning and want to watch cartoons, but would then pause and say that she would wait because Corby wasn't awake yet.  She did everything with her brother and it took her a while before she remembered that her other half of her wasn't around anymore. 

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 When I was pregnant with Ledgyr and shortly after I had him I thought that I would want to have another baby close to Ledgyr so that he could have a playmate like Corby was to Addy. The months started approaching that we needed to start thinking about getting pregnant again and immediate panic started to set in. I had a really hard emotional pregnancy with Ledgyr. I constantly had the thought that if it was so easy for Heavenly Father to take a perfectly healthy child of mine why couldn't he take another. I woke up every day thinking that, for sure, I wasn't going to feel my baby moving any more. I was nervous all of the time and terrified of all the problems that were sure to arise at any moment. To say that I had extreme anxiety would be an understatement. I had some pretty dark times while pregnant and my grief seemed to be more intense due to the pregnancy hormones. That is the problem that I am having about having another child. I'm not ready to experience that all again. I'm not ready to have intense fear for yet another of my children. I'm not ready to have to find yet another provider, now that we have moved, to explain all this to- helping him or her understand my fears and anxiety without wanting to shove pills down me to "make me feel better". I'm not ready to explain to them that I'm not going to commit suicide as I'm sobbing to them and refusing to take the meds they prescribed to "help". I'm not ready to fight to not have another c-section. I never want Corby's c-section scar touched. It is now sacred to me. I'm not ready to go through more genetic testing for the new baby to help ease my fears of that child passing away as well. I'm not ready to explain to people why I'm not ready to get another one of my children vaccinated. 

With all three of my other children I was sure that they needed to come. Now I doubt whether I know what I'm thinking anymore. I doubt my doubts. I doubt my faith. I'm confused with what to think anymore. This is just my reasoning as to why I don't need another child right now. There are 4.5 million+ other mothers out there that have their reason for their choices too. Let them talk about them. Let them be heard. Let them talk about their angels. We all need someone to listen to us. 

Day 13 – REGRETS + TRIGGERS

Day 13 – REGRETS + TRIGGERS What are some regrets that you have about your experience with grief so far? Do you believe there is a way to heal that regret? Do you have any grief triggers? Maybe it is the pregnant woman in the store or a scent that reminds you of that time in your life. Perhaps it is a sound, song, season etc. Share what pulls on your heart strings.

The biggest regret that I have about my experience of grief is not writing down all the memories that I remember about Corby so I can read them any time I'm having a hard time. As I was going through emails that I have written him since he passed there were so many memories that I read about that I didn't remember until I read them. I have tried to be pretty good about writing the memories, but I know that I have missed a lot that I have thought or talked about. I really don't have any other regrets. I made a vow that I would never leave my son out, no matter the situation, and if the conversation arises about Corbyn's death I always talk about it. I'm trying to heal my regret by writing more memories and I have also requested our family and friends to write down memories they have of Corby as well. I would like to eventually compile all those memories into a book. If anyone would like to add a memory to his book I would love that! Just message me or email me!

As far as triggers, I have plenty. A big trigger is the fall season. I used to love fall. I loved the crisp cool air, the clothing, the smell, the flavors, the colors. Pretty much all aspects of fall I loved. Until my son passed away during the fall season. Now with the first sign of fall all it does is cause extreme anxiety. I sleep less, cry more, and anger quicker. It also reminds me of the Halloween that Corby never was part of.

He was all ready to be Gus Gus with his sissy who was Cinderella. I was so excited for Halloween that year, but it never happened. His brand new costume is still hanging on the hanger waiting to be worn out trick or treating. 

The little squeaks of Ledgyr are starting to sound more like Corbyn and each day it becomes more of a trigger for me. My my blonde haired nephew that is just 6 months younger than Corbyn is a huge trigger for me. He is such a happy, beautiful little boy, but seeing how he's growing throws me over the edge quite often. I heard him talk the other day and say little sentences and it made me think about how I didn't ever get to hear Corby say sentences or actual words and never will. Even just seeing the back of his head while he's playing throws me for a loop and pulls at my heart strings because, for a second, my mind plays tricks that it's Corby. Really, any blonde hair blue eyed little boy that is Corby's same age or the age that he was when he passed I have a hard time with. 

I'm hoping that those triggers will become less over time, but for now I do everything I can to protect my heart- hoping that I don't cause any hard feelings along the way. 

Day-12 Normalizing Grief

Day 12 – NORMALIZING GRIEF Often while grieving we have feelings of isolation because we fear judgement that what we are feeling isn’t normal. But it is amazing to see just how many people feel the same way. When others stand up and express how they feel through sharing their experiences, it allows us to say “Hey, I feel that way too!”. Connecting with and communicating our experiences we are able to normalize our grief for ourselves and others. So share something about your grief journey that you might feel is strange or not common. It might be something you do to remember your children or maybe it is something you fear. By sharing these parts of our stories we can educate others on the grief experience. 

I have always been told to raise my children to not be spoiled, but to love them unconditionally and let them know that they are loved.  I was never very good at listening to their advice about not spoiling, but definitely did the later very well. I have regrets, now, that I didn't spoil Corby enough. I wish that I would have never let him cry himself to sleep the one night that he wouldn't go to sleep and I was so exhausted. I'm thankful that I didn't listen to his pediatrician when she said that I needed to lay him in his bed so that he didn't get in the habit of needing to be rocked or nursed to sleep. Now, there are some nights that I will pull Ledgyr out of his bed just so that I can rock him and listen to him breath. I will put him to sleep most nights by nursing him and I don't care if that is something that he gets used to. When I go to bed at night I have to check on both him and Addy. I will put my hand on their chests to make sure that they are still breathing, and I have to make sure that I give them a kiss on their cheek. Nowhere else but their cheeks. That was the one thing that I hated I couldn't kiss on Corby when I said goodbye to him that night in the ER. His cheeks were all taped up and covered because they intubated him. I don't remember what his cheek felt like the last time that I kissed it and it kills me. The last thing that I remember feeling on my lips was me putting my mouth over his to give him CPR. 
The days after, I racked my brain wondering what I did wrong. Before we got the autopsy report back I blamed everyone. I blamed the pediatrician I took Corbyn into the week prior because I feared that there was a crackle in his chest that was going to turn into pneumonia and he didn't catch that there was something wrong with Corby. I blamed myself (and still do) that I killed my son because I took him that morning and gave him the flu shot. That was the only thing that was different that day and I can't get over that it didn't have something to do with it. Even though I have had countless physicians tell me that it probably was a coincidence. I thought along the lines that he must have gotten into something under the sink and I blamed myself that I didn't keep those cupboards locked better. After I found out that he had gliosis and an abnormal hippocampus I now blame myself that I did something wrong when I was pregnant with him that made his gliosis form. I blame myself that possibly his gliosis was from me not nourishing him better. From all check ups and growth it showed that he was happy and healthy, but what if? I blame myself for things that weren't even the case   
When I go into check on my kids most nights I will look at both Addy and Ledgyr and they will look like they aren't breathing and are grey. There has only been a couple of times that I have panicked and woke them up. Usually when I go in and my heart is pounding I try to make a noise loud enough to make them move, but not enough to wake them. Ledgyr had to sleep right next to me for the first 6 months of his life and I would wake up all the time just to make sure that he was still breathing. I am so terrified that I am going to find one of my other children dead that I have been prescribed Ambien so that I can get a couple of hours of sleep a night. As soon as it wears off around 2-3 am I am right back up checking on them. My anxiety it higher right now due to Ledgyr reaching the same age as Corbyn was when he passed as well as Corby's angel day too. I used to not be able to pinpoint the issues of my anxiety at first. Now I can, for the most part, recognize what is causing my anxiety and either know I can ride the wave out or find the help that I need. The grief counselor that I was going to for a while was the help that I would turn to a lot during my early days. She would help me realize that the things I was thinking or doing weren't crazy and that I was simply grieving. She talked to me about healthy grieving and not healthy grieving. There was a longer list of things under the healthy grieving than not. 

For instance-

I obsess over everything. I take video and pictures of my living children constantly. I don't want to miss anything, and every time I do all I think about is I'm taking this so that I will have it later for when they are gone too. I think about everything as being sentimental now, from the corn dog stick Ledgyr chewed on at lunch to the smudges on the window he made as being precious because that could be the last thing from him. I made Brock pull off Corby's handprints that were on the TV screen just so that I could have them.

 I have saved a spoon with peanut butter on it that had Corby's two bottom teeth marks in it. I have kept an empty bottle of hair gel and a prescription bottle because Corby chewed on them and left little teeth marks everywhere. Someone thought that it was weird that I kept an expired bottle of baby acid reflux medicine in the cupboard and the only reason I do is because it was Corby's prescription. The last meal that he ever ate is in the bottom of my freezer in a tupperware and zip lock bag. I still have his toothbrush in the cup with the other kid's tooth brushes. His towel is hanging next to Ledgyr's in his closet. His crib is still set up with some of his blankets still in it. I have a plant that someone gave me after Corbyn passed that I try desperately to keep alive because I feel that it is somehow keeping part of my son alive.

I haven't been able to use any of Corby's clothes on Ledgyr. I tried the other day with a shirt that Corby never wore that he got for his birthday and lost it. I wish more than anything I saw Corby in all those clothes. 
These are all things that grieving parents do. I felt so crazy with some of the things that I have done, but have been reassured on multiple visits to my grief counselor that I am just grieving. I am trying to keep the memory of my son alive the best I can. I'm not going to get over this and move on. That will NEVER happen.

Day 11-Glow In The Woods

Day 11 – GLOW IN THE WOODS Today I want to honour the beautiful writers at Glow In The Woods, past and present. This was the first place I found on the internet where I could read about other parents experiences with grief. They were literally my light in the darkness. When we become bereaved, in the beginning, many of us look outwards for help. We set out in the darkness of night with a blanket and a lantern in search of others like us. Along the road we usually find someone or something and it is with that discovery that we can walk this road with understanding company and with that, we watch the sun begin to rise over our worlds again. Who was your glow in the woods? Share some resources that have aided you in your healing journey. It may be a website, charity, organization, a person/teacher/therapist/new friend etc. Whatever it is, share what is so wonderful about that resource and how it has helped you. Please feel welcome to share links so that others can benefit.


I have had many people that have been a glow in my life. One was a dear friend in my old neighborhood. She was one of the first people that I called after everyone in my family had been reached. I woke her up from a complete sleep and turned her whole world upside down. She started right then gathering people to come to my aide. After everything settled and people went back to living their lives she came around just when I needed it to let me talk. She even got a gym membership with me when I'm sure she would have rather done something better with her money. She would go to the gym with me and listen. We would talk and she was open enough to ask questions. It was good for me because she made me feel like she wasn't uncomfortable around me and my grief. She made me feel like I was heard and important when I felt so little and alone. She let me talk about my fears, pain, anger, and everything in between without judging me. She made me feel like my baby mattered to more than just me and my little family. I understand how hard grief can be around and for people to be uncomfortable with what to say. She never let me think that she was uncomfortable. I will forever be grateful to Heavenly Father for putting her into my life. She is my friend that was the glow I needed to guide me. 
My husband, although traveling the same journey as me has been a glow to my faith. He has been the one to help me have the faith to stop asking "why" and is helping me to just know that Corby needed to return to our Heaven Father. He is my comfort when I get so angry that I can barely contain myself. He has given me countless priesthood blessings to help calm and protect me. He is the father of my children and his love for them is a bright glow to my dim lantern. 
My father was also a glow in the darkness. He took Brock and me to different funeral homes and guided us as we were both staring blindly into the distance not really comprehending what was happening to us. He protected us from funeral homes trying to take advantage of us in our time of grief-which I am so thankful for. He was the humble guidance and love that we both needed. He was the level head that helped us plan the beautiful funeral that we had for Corby. He was the one that held me tight on his lap as I would sob the days after Corby passed. He was the one that caught me seconds after I was told that there was nothing else they could do and Corby was gone- immediately engulfing me in his arms. 

I had, during my early days of grief, and continue to have now  many other people  who are a glow in the darkness. I would spend days talking about how each of them help(ed), but I know they know who they are. Many friends from work, complete strangers, new friends, and many family members to name a few. 

One friend reached out to me who also lost a daughter on the same day as Corby- just a few years earlier. Her baby had a genetic abnormality, and didn't make it for very long after birth. She talked to me about her grief and how she made it through those first days of grief. I asked her how she dealt with the fear that her other children would have the same abnormality, and she told me about how her and her husband were contacted to be in a research study. She told me to see if there was a study out there for Brock and me to join. I called the only place that I knew that did extensive research in Utah, and that was the University of Utah. I was put into contact with their research coordinator who was compassionate and very willing to help. She didn't know of any research in Utah that related to us, but while doing some searching she found SUDC.org. I can't remember if she contacted Laura (the founder of SUDC) at first or if I did. If it weren't for her and my friend, though, I would have never found SUDC. I was so lost and felt so alone that I didn't even know where to begin to look for the right support that knew my grief and pain. I had no idea that I wasn't alone for several months. SUDC has helped me so much and has been my biggest "glow in the woods". SUDC  has research through Boston Children's Hospital and Harvard. Through that research I have been able to learn a little more about what could have happened to Corby. You can read about it here. Most of all, though, it has been the other parents that have helped me the most. I am so grateful for finding them. I would be in a different place right now if I didn't have parents on the same road as me to talk to about my grief. Some of the parents are several years a head of me on their journey and to hear their perspective on things has helped tremendously. 
I know that every one of my "glow in the woods" aren't by accident. I am grateful for each and every one of you. Thank you for always remembering my baby and letting me talk when I have needed it the most. I love you all!

Day 10-Words

Day 10 – WORDS Writing is a wonderful tool for healing. When you put your pen to paper you may have no idea where you are going or where you will end up and that is the beauty of it. It is your own adventure. Find some time today to write by hand. You can write about whatever is on your heart right now. It gives you the chance to write down anything that you need to release. Do you have a poem inside you or a short story that is waiting to come out? Maybe it is just one word, that needs to be written over and over and over. Whatever it is, write as little or as much as you need to. If you cannot find the words today, you can always share something from someone else, like a quote or poem, just be sure to credit the author.

I have found writing as a way to help me release my grief. I have always written my children to tell them about their little lives. I started an email for each of them when I was pregnant with them and would write to them. After Corby passed I didn't want to stop writing to him. Now I will write to him to just talk to him. To tell him my deepest frustrations, fears, and sadness. I am really not in the mood to write something tonight so I decided I would see if going back and reading some emails that I wrote to him would help me to want to write him. It didn't. Instead I think I will share what I wrote him on one of the days. It was the first day that Brock and I visited his grave since his funeral. It's a bit of a run on of words, but when I write him I focus on what needs to be written and not proper english- so bear with me on this one. 

11/11/2013

Today was a day I never thought I would be doing at such a young age. I'm sure that I'm going to have a lot more of those firsts though. Daddy and I went and visited you at your grave today. Your flowers were still on your grave, and a lot of them were still alive. You were feeding the bees with your flowers. Which is just like you to be doing something for someone or something else. I think about what you are doing in Heaven, and I know that you are one of the strongest and best missionaries up there because of how you were here on earth. 

Last night I finally broke down and got angry and cried more than I even cried the night you left us. I got angry with how Heavenly father took you the day he did. I got angry because I still don't understand how you truly died. I wish that I knew if you had a seizure and suffocated because you were face down or if it is how the thoughts in my head have happened. I'm terrified of the fact if it was from a seizure due to the flu shot if I could handle that. I don't know if I still with your future siblings will get them vaccinated. I hate the fact that you had to go. I'm not mad a Heavenly father because I know that it was meant to be, but I'm mad at the timing of when you went. I was enjoying this stage of you so much. I feel so close to you. More that I feel with your sissy for some reason. I feel like I have always felt closer with you since the day that you were born. I fear that I won't feel that with any of your other siblings either. I fear that Heavenly father isn't done taking my babies from me. Along with many other angers a fears. I finally verbalized all of this with your dad, Bishop Perry, and brother Waterfall and it felt good to talk about it. They gave me a blessing and I have felt a lot better since then. I can't imagine how I'm going to be able to live my whole life with out you. I miss you beyond comprehension. I ache all the time. I'm sad all the time, and feel so empty inside. I'm so thankful that I have your sister to keep me from being completely depressed and hopeless. 

I look at all the most recent pictures that I or dadda took of you and I ache all over because I remember being there and taking the picture of you. I remember the feeling I felt when I took the pictures or while I was watching dadda take the pictures of you. I remember feeling so beyond happy, blessed and in love with you I am. I don't know how to express how much I miss you. I remember when I would write to you before I would try to refrain from saying "I can't wait". Like I can't wait to see you walking, or all grown up etc because I could wait for all of that I wanted to enjoy every stage of you and not wish any of it away. Now, though, I can't wait 'til I see you again. I can't wait to finish raising you in the millennium. I can't wait 'til you and your sister can be together again. She misses you so much. I ache for her aching. I can't wait for your daddy to teach you baseball. I'm so excited to be able to raise you and be able to do it with only pure happiness and no worry. I hate how slow the days go by because I know that when another day goes by that I am that much closer to seeing you again. I keep wishing that I can at least dream about you, but all I dream about is grieving about you, and all of my fears. I want to for a little bit get rid this nightmare that I am living, but I don't seem to be able to. I hate it. I can officially say that because it is beyond true. I hate that I have to go through this. I hate that I am not the one providing the comfort to someone else, but the one that everyone else is providing the comfort to. I hate fearing that I will forget about you and how you laugh, or say mama, or your little grunts. I wish that I would have been able to get you saying mama on video so that I could always have that. That is a huge regret I have. I wish I would have gotten more recent professional family pictures. There are so many things that I wish that I would have done and when I think about them my aching hurts a little more. I want this aching to stop. I want it to all go away and for me to be holding you in my arms. I love you so much my guy. You are my everything. Please pleas come visit me in my dream and say mamma to me frequently so that I don't forget. 

Love, 

Your only Mama   

I have never gone back and read what I wrote him those first days after his passing. Today, as I have been doing that it's amazing to me how much of a blur I was in. I don't remember 90% of what I wrote  in these emails. Brock and I talk about how we can't even recall certain big events ever happening during those first months. 

I also ache remembering the rawness of my soul. I still feel raw, and sometimes I feel worse because I am raw and not in my cloudy state of shock still. I wish some days I can go back because I wasn't so far away from seeing him alive back then. Now I'm beginning to forget memories and how he felt physically in my arms. However, I am now closer to seeing him again in the after life than I was back then.