Day 10-Words

Day 10 – WORDS Writing is a wonderful tool for healing. When you put your pen to paper you may have no idea where you are going or where you will end up and that is the beauty of it. It is your own adventure. Find some time today to write by hand. You can write about whatever is on your heart right now. It gives you the chance to write down anything that you need to release. Do you have a poem inside you or a short story that is waiting to come out? Maybe it is just one word, that needs to be written over and over and over. Whatever it is, write as little or as much as you need to. If you cannot find the words today, you can always share something from someone else, like a quote or poem, just be sure to credit the author.

I have found writing as a way to help me release my grief. I have always written my children to tell them about their little lives. I started an email for each of them when I was pregnant with them and would write to them. After Corby passed I didn't want to stop writing to him. Now I will write to him to just talk to him. To tell him my deepest frustrations, fears, and sadness. I am really not in the mood to write something tonight so I decided I would see if going back and reading some emails that I wrote to him would help me to want to write him. It didn't. Instead I think I will share what I wrote him on one of the days. It was the first day that Brock and I visited his grave since his funeral. It's a bit of a run on of words, but when I write him I focus on what needs to be written and not proper english- so bear with me on this one. 

11/11/2013

Today was a day I never thought I would be doing at such a young age. I'm sure that I'm going to have a lot more of those firsts though. Daddy and I went and visited you at your grave today. Your flowers were still on your grave, and a lot of them were still alive. You were feeding the bees with your flowers. Which is just like you to be doing something for someone or something else. I think about what you are doing in Heaven, and I know that you are one of the strongest and best missionaries up there because of how you were here on earth. 

Last night I finally broke down and got angry and cried more than I even cried the night you left us. I got angry with how Heavenly father took you the day he did. I got angry because I still don't understand how you truly died. I wish that I knew if you had a seizure and suffocated because you were face down or if it is how the thoughts in my head have happened. I'm terrified of the fact if it was from a seizure due to the flu shot if I could handle that. I don't know if I still with your future siblings will get them vaccinated. I hate the fact that you had to go. I'm not mad a Heavenly father because I know that it was meant to be, but I'm mad at the timing of when you went. I was enjoying this stage of you so much. I feel so close to you. More that I feel with your sissy for some reason. I feel like I have always felt closer with you since the day that you were born. I fear that I won't feel that with any of your other siblings either. I fear that Heavenly father isn't done taking my babies from me. Along with many other angers a fears. I finally verbalized all of this with your dad, Bishop Perry, and brother Waterfall and it felt good to talk about it. They gave me a blessing and I have felt a lot better since then. I can't imagine how I'm going to be able to live my whole life with out you. I miss you beyond comprehension. I ache all the time. I'm sad all the time, and feel so empty inside. I'm so thankful that I have your sister to keep me from being completely depressed and hopeless. 

I look at all the most recent pictures that I or dadda took of you and I ache all over because I remember being there and taking the picture of you. I remember the feeling I felt when I took the pictures or while I was watching dadda take the pictures of you. I remember feeling so beyond happy, blessed and in love with you I am. I don't know how to express how much I miss you. I remember when I would write to you before I would try to refrain from saying "I can't wait". Like I can't wait to see you walking, or all grown up etc because I could wait for all of that I wanted to enjoy every stage of you and not wish any of it away. Now, though, I can't wait 'til I see you again. I can't wait to finish raising you in the millennium. I can't wait 'til you and your sister can be together again. She misses you so much. I ache for her aching. I can't wait for your daddy to teach you baseball. I'm so excited to be able to raise you and be able to do it with only pure happiness and no worry. I hate how slow the days go by because I know that when another day goes by that I am that much closer to seeing you again. I keep wishing that I can at least dream about you, but all I dream about is grieving about you, and all of my fears. I want to for a little bit get rid this nightmare that I am living, but I don't seem to be able to. I hate it. I can officially say that because it is beyond true. I hate that I have to go through this. I hate that I am not the one providing the comfort to someone else, but the one that everyone else is providing the comfort to. I hate fearing that I will forget about you and how you laugh, or say mama, or your little grunts. I wish that I would have been able to get you saying mama on video so that I could always have that. That is a huge regret I have. I wish I would have gotten more recent professional family pictures. There are so many things that I wish that I would have done and when I think about them my aching hurts a little more. I want this aching to stop. I want it to all go away and for me to be holding you in my arms. I love you so much my guy. You are my everything. Please pleas come visit me in my dream and say mamma to me frequently so that I don't forget. 

Love, 

Your only Mama   

I have never gone back and read what I wrote him those first days after his passing. Today, as I have been doing that it's amazing to me how much of a blur I was in. I don't remember 90% of what I wrote  in these emails. Brock and I talk about how we can't even recall certain big events ever happening during those first months. 

I also ache remembering the rawness of my soul. I still feel raw, and sometimes I feel worse because I am raw and not in my cloudy state of shock still. I wish some days I can go back because I wasn't so far away from seeing him alive back then. Now I'm beginning to forget memories and how he felt physically in my arms. However, I am now closer to seeing him again in the after life than I was back then.