6 Months

4/18/14

An entire 6 months has passed since the last time I held my little man in my arms. I can’t believe that I have been able to live a whole 6 months without him. It has been the hardest 6 months of my life.  A quote by Bob Marley sums it up perfectly: “You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice.” This was my only choice. If I really had a say in the matter I would have never chosen this for myself. I do know that when I made this choice up in Heaven I knew that I would have my Savior by my side to carry me when needed, and He has done that. I tell people that I am furious with my spirit self, and every time they chuckle, but I am being brutally honest. I don’t think that when we were up in Heaven we really knew the context of what our trials consisted of. We were unaware of the pain and heart ache of the mortal body. We were aware of our Father in Heaven’s entire plan so it seemed like it was no big deal to take on the trials that he put before us and we agreed upon. I wish that my spirit self wasn’t such a “go getter” and knew that my mortal self could handle anything. I know that this experience has made me a stronger person. I realized that fact that very night in the ER holding my baby tightly as he lay lifeless in my arms. It still doesn’t bring about the fact that I am broken-broken into so many little pieces that I don’t know if any part of me will ever fit back together and be whole again. The only part that is left whole is my heart because that was what was taken from me as my son left this world for his new mission on the other side of the veil. He has my entire heart, and I’m left with an empty hole. 

In all reality, though, I am grateful for the knowledge that I have of the gospel. I am grateful that I was able to listen to and attend General conference a couple of weeks ago and listen to apostles of our Heavenly father speak to us on His behalf for Him. There was one special talk given by Jean A. Stevens titled “Fear Not; I Am With Thee” As I listened to this talk I know that the Savior is watching out for me. She talked about trusting in the Lord and we can access his power to bless us. As I was standing there in the parking lot of our condo pleading with my Heavenly Father to please save my baby. He kept telling me everything will be OK. He even woke one of my very good friends out of a deep sleep telling her that she needed to call me. She was unaware of the situation that we were going through, but she called and left a message saying that she doesn’t know why but she had a strong impression that something was wrong with me and that she needed to call me. I’m so thankful that she listened to that prompting from the Lord. It was a comfort to me to know that I am not alone, and that my Savior is there to take my hand in my time of need. I need to remember to trust in Him and His power because he can and will help me the best way possible.