Honeymoon stage

Warning: this post is coming from a pretty dark place, but it’s got to come out. 

With everything there seems to be a honeymoon stage. Grief is no exception. I remember in the ER that night feeling like I was being carried so that I didn’t have to walk on my own two feet and feel the hard cold ground under me. I remember the weeks after feeling the same way. Feeling like everything will be O.K. Yes in the back of my mind I knew that my baby boy was gone. I knew that he was never coming back, and most days I was O.K. with that for some reason. This is where I am describing me being in the honeymoon stage. With it now almost hitting the 5 month mark I have left the honeymoon stage and have hit reality. Hit it hard! I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I cry all the time. I mean ALL. THE. TIME. I can’t seem to muster up half a smile even when I force myself.  I have become very clingy to my daughter, and want to be by her side constantly. I have also become very angry and secluded myself from people. I see someone that either sees me and smiles or asks me how I’m doing, and all I can think about is that person has no idea the pain, anger, sadness, and frustration I’m feeling. I never wanted to be that person when someone politely asks how I’m doing to spill my whole day or life’s feelings to them so I just say “I’m doing O.K.” I’ve stopped using the phrase ‘I’m doing well or good’ because even to me that feels like I’m lying through my teeth. I don’t know if I will ever be “good” again. My new life doesn’t consist of the verbiage “good”, and I’m very uncertain if it ever will. I never thought that I could be a depressed person and just writing this makes me tear up knowing the truth. I have always been that bright smile in the room that lights everyone else up. That’s not me anymore. Count yourself lucky if you get a genuine smile from me now. I’m depressed. I know it. I’m sure Brock knows it, and I’m quite certain that Addy knows it as well with her, out of nowhere kisses, and hugs to tell me she loves me. I used to be able to work out and feel a lot better. That was also during the honeymoon phase. That phase is full of lies and deception of everything is going to be alright. IT’S NOT ALRIGHT! My son is dead. My perfectly healthy beautiful blue eyed little baby boy is DEAD. Taken from me so suddenly and unexpectedly without me being given the chance to fight for him. He is NEVER coming back.  I will never get the chance to raise him with his other siblings and create those memories. I have to live an entire lifetime without him. Sure it may be a blink of an eye for him, but it’s far from that for me. It’s only been 5 months and I feel like it’s been an eternity.  I go have grief sessions with other parents and personal counselors, and I seem numb to them now. I used to walk away from them feeling better. Feeling like I was going to be O.K. Now all I feel like is wishing that I will go to sleep at night and not wake up in the morning. I’m officially jealous of the older generation. I want to be them. I want to have lived my life so that at any time I can just go. I’m also jealous of all the mothers that get to keep their children. I’m jealous of the mothers that got their miracle and they still have their child. I’ve never been the jealous type of person. I’ve never understood the point of jealousy. I never understood when people were jealous over stupid things with me, but I am officially one of those people. Don’t get me wrong I’m not going to go and start hoarding other people’s children or feeling happy when a mother does lose her child, but right now I am jealous. I know that satan is working his hardest on me and I can feel it every day. I’m still putting up a good battle, but I’m about to give up. Why can’t he move on to someone else. Everyone else has moved on living their lives why can’t he do the same? Just leave he behind mourning my sweet baby in peace.