4th of July surprise

I have been so busy I haven't had a second to sit down to write this post so it's a little late. I have had so many people come up to me and the first thing they ask is if I am pregnant... No I am not pregnant.  Let's clear that up right now. The surprise isn't a surprise for you silly! It was a surprise for us.
Let me start from the beginning. I received a phone call from my dad the Tuesday before the 4th asking us if we had some free time on the 4th to let him take us to an art show in Huntsville because he heard that it was really cool. I, of course, said yes, but wanted to know more about this art show. What was it about? What kind of art was it? All he kept saying was that he heard it was pretty cool. So when I got off the phone with him Brock looked the art show up on the internet and in big bold letters it said "The 2015 Independence Day art show will not be held". I thought that was weird since my dad just said that he heard it was pretty cool. I called my mom and asked her if they knew that it was cancelled. She did her usual "Whaaaat" ( in a really high pitched voice). When she does that it means she's trying to keep something from someone. She's not a very good liar.... So I knew something was up. I didn't know exactly what, but I knew something was. The 4th came and we did our usual tradition of attending a parade and eating lunch in the park. It's always a bitter sweet day for me because I am always thinking of the 4th that Corby was with us. He wasn't really into the parade, but Brock's mom and dad got all the kids matching 4th outfits that year. Corby has two boy cousins that are 6 months younger than him so they all had the same little cute outfit on. Corby also got some "coo baby" sun glasses.

I was able to snap this picture at the parade and every 4th this is the picture that comes to mind.

So even though it's supposed to be a fun and celebratory day it's still on the hard side for me to act happy and wanting to be around people. Anyway, when we got up to Huntsville there was a big Independence Day carnival going on in the park. I was then thinking that maybe my parents just wanted to take us somewhere with just us and Huntsville was where they chose. After we got out of the car they b-lined it for one particular area. I found that odd, but didn't realize why until I saw these beautiful blue eyes staring back at me.

I immediately started to sob. I couldn't breath. It was taking everything in me to not fall to my knees and burry by head in my hands and sob uncontrollably. After I calmed down a minute the artist came over and introduced himself. He told me how much he enjoyed doing this portrait of my beautiful boy. He also talked a little bit about why he does what he does for families that have had a loved one pass on. He also talked about how with every portrait that he does he has some kind of dream about the individual. I was waiting to hear something like he saw him in a field of flowers or something along those lines, but he didn't. He talked about how he dreamed about Corby and how happy he was, and that he was sitting in a white highchair eating and spreading food all over it as happy and could be. It gave me chills because there is no way that he would have known that we had a white highchair nor how much Corby loved food. My parents told me that they never said a word to him about anything like that. I asked how they found out about him and when they started all of this. They said they found him through some friends in their ward and that they had been working with him for almost a year. They had him redo it several times because it wasn't perfect. So this has been a long process to get to this point. It makes me feel good that more people are getting to know my baby and getting to see a glimpse of how amazing he was. When he told me that I could take it home I was elated, but at the same time I wanted everyone to see my beautiful baby and to keep him on display forever.

Now that we have it home I'm still contemplating on where to put it. I'm the type or decorator that likes to ponder and take my time on where I want things and what I want. I'm not the impulse type and then later I'm patching walls like crazy because I didn't like what I did. This picture is VERY heavy so a few simple nails won't hold it. So here it sits on the floor. I caught Ledgyr sitting there staring at it one day for quite some time. I wonder what he thinks. Does he know Corby in his little self form, or does he only know him in his adult self? We have another picture hanging in the living room that I caught him staring at one day. I didn't have enough time to go get my camera and take a picture that time. I have heard stories of siblings that come after the child that has passed that know who their older sibling is and they can talk about them like they were always there. I hope that this is happening with my babies. I want all of my children to know their brother and remember him. 

I am so grateful that there are still so many that think of my baby. I'm grateful to be able to still talk about him and not have people get upset with me. There are now times when I don't cry when I talk about him, but there are still so many times that I still do. Every time I do I try to reassure the person that I'm talking to that it's ok that I cried. I feel so much better when I cry with someone than when I'm alone.

Spider-Man

I can't sleep for so many reasons. I have had a lot on my mind lately. Brock has been asking me to get out Corby's growth records for a while now to see how Ledgyr compares to him in weight. I have pushed it aside because I haven't wanted to think back to the last time that he was weighed. The week before he passed I took him to the doctor because he had a cold and it sounded like it was moving into his lungs. I wanted to make sure that it didn't turn into pneumonia or wasn't headed that route. It was a weird feeling for me when I was at the doctors that day. I felt something wasn't right. I usually don't take my children to the doctor for every little illness, and now that I look back I don't know why I felt it so important that I needed to take Corby in. He didn't have a bad cough, and all that he had was a crackle in his upper respiratory tract just as any little kid gets when they get a cold. I believe that it was me subconsciously knowing something was happening. It was me trying to prevent what I consciously didn't know was coming. That was the last time that he was weighed. I finally pulled his records all out and looked. It hurt to see it all. It still hurts so much. The same box that those records were in was also the same box that his last tennis shoes he wore were in. I pulled those out and held them in my hands looking at every detail. Seeing the dirt on the bottom of them from his feet running around being the active and curious little boy he was. Thinking about the last time feet were in those were his cute little feet. They even still have the smell of his little feet in them. Remembering when he got those shoes for is 1 year birthday from Brock's parents. Remembering his birthday party and him sitting on my lap as he "opened" all of his presents. I can still feel that little body on my lap. I still remember that day so vividly. Down to the feeling of happiness I had. 

Not only did getting out those records make me think of Corby, but it brought fear back to me for Ledgyr. He has had a cold for the past week, and now has started with the crackles in his upper respiratory tract. I haven't been able to sleep well since that started. I have no idea, obviously, what caused Corby to pass away, but I am always looking at what was different. Him having that cold was different. There are other SUDC parents that talk about that their child came down with a runny nose that day or right around when their child passed. The problem is none of us know if that had anything to do with any of our children's passing. So instead we all worry about every last detail, and now worry about everything in our living children's lives. 

I recently came across a mother that posted about needing a birth photographer for her upcoming birth of her baby. She pointed out the importance of capturing moments like that and how she realizes that now that her son passed away. I don't know her personally so I didn't know her story.  Her profile picture was of her holding a toddler that looked to be sleeping. I know now that it was a picture of her holding her angel for the last time. Rocking him for the very last time.  I was curious to see how her son passed and how old he was. When I looked at her Facebook page I found the obituary and post announcing to everyone that he had passed away. I felt so drawn to this woman for several reasons. One, because it looked like her baby could possibly also be an SUDC baby since he too passed in his sleep. Two, because she was about to have this new baby and I remember every emotion I had throughout my entire labor and Ledgyr's birth and how hard it was for me. I wanted to somehow help her. Comfort her from her fears and emotions she is having and about to experience as well. I messaged her and introduced myself and being an SUDC parent. She asked me how Corby passed away and how we found him etc. I asked her the same question. She talked about how her baby was just coming down with a slight cold that day, but nothing that she thought she needed to worry about. He never had labored breathing or anything concerning. She talked about how they were looking into if that cold had anything to do with his passing since he did test positive for the cold virus and another common respiratory virus. Of course what did this do for me? It made me that much more concerned about Ledgyr. We haven't been using his sleep monitor since we moved into our new house because we moved him into Addy's old crib, and I was pretty certain that the one monitor pad that goes under the mattress wasn't going to work for such a big crib. I also was starting to have a little more trust in the Lord that he wouldn't take another one of my babies so I was feeling comfortable not using it until now. I asked Brock if he would hook it back up and recalibrate it for me. I was right about it not working though. With how much Ledgyr moves around when he sleeps if he's too far away from the monitor it's not able to sense his breathing so the alarm goes off alerting us that it thinks he's not breathing. So after being woke up rushing to my baby that I think is not breathing due to an alarm sounding we have decided we can't use it. So what does that mean for me? It makes me go back to not being able to comfortably sleep. So when I can't sleep I go get Ledgyr out of his crib and rock with him in  the rocking chair so that I know that he is still breathing. As I was doing this tonight it was really dark in his room and I thought back to me rocking Corby. Since Ledgyr weighs 24 pounds and Corby weighed 21 pounds when he passed all I could think about was that weight that was on my lap and that is what it would have felt like a few months later when Corby was that weight. I would look down at the silhouette that I could make out of a baby sleeping in my arms and for a second I pictured that it was Corby that I was holding. I couldn't see any details or anything like that because it was so dark so it made it easier for my mind to pretend for a moment. Ledgyr breaths the same as Corybn did. For a second I was able to feel like I had my Corby back in my arms. I loved it. Then I looked around and saw my surroundings and knew that wasn't him. I long  more than anything for that day that I will get to have him back in my arms again. I long to celebrate the rest of his days with him. To see what he would be liking at his age he would be now. To have birthday parties for him every year as he grows older. 

Now to get to what I originally sat down to write about. Today we went to Brock's cousin's little boy's 3 year birthday party. The theme was Spider-Man. I have wrote before about what Spider-Man is to us and how he relates to Corby. So finding out that this party for a 3 year old boy was going to be Spider-Man was hard for me to handle at first. I have thought about if Corby were still here what theme of party would we be having for him in September. I have noticed that superhero's are a big thing for 3 and 4 year old little boys. Since we always called Corby Spidey I would imagine that we would have had a Spider-Man themed party as well. Unfortunately it's a party that we will never get to throw for him and celebrate him being 3 here on this earth. I have tried really hard to hide my emotion that a lot of things bring up because I feel that people feel uncomfortable and that they have somehow hurt my feelings because I'm emotional, once again, about my son. When, in fact, that's not the case at all. I'm always emotional now. I, most likely, get emotional because I'm so happy that someone else is talking about my baby and thinking about him other than me. I decided I would put on that strong face and go to the party. I would watch and see what a Spider-Man party could have been like for my son. I was able to watch the excitement in this little boy's eyes as his uncle dressed up like Spider-Man. To see the smile on his face as he ran around with the other children chasing Spider-Man was hard, but also good to see. I tried to picture Corby running around squealing his little squeal the whole time. It took everything in me to not focus on the "what could have been's" with Corby, and I think I did a pretty good job. Maybe for Corby's birthday in Heaven we can do come kind of celebration with Spider-man theme as well. I still have a few months to decide. 

Memorial day

Another Memorial Day is here upon us. It means so much more to me now that I have a son that is dead. I never really thought about how special this day was. I saw how the cemeteries were always beautifully decorated with flowers every Memorial Day, but I didn't grasp what this day really was. It's about so many heartbroken people honoring their loved ones that have passed on. It's a day that you realize that there is so much heartache in the world.

I've been feeling very uneasy the last several weeks. Mother's Day came and was so hard for me. I didn't have a little 2.5 year old coloring pictures to give to me on Mother's Day. I didn't have his arms wrapped around my neck and wet kisses on my cheek as he happily wished me a happy Mother's Day. Did you know that Mother's Day was actually started by a woman that wanted to honor her mother that had lost children and honor her strength? I didn't either. Not until Corbyn died. Like I mentioned I have been having some rough couple of weeks. I am sitting down to write with no real topic in mind other than I'm sad. I'm broken and I wish it would all go away. I wish that I could change the past and fix whatever made Corby not whole. I need to write about my thoughts of today. Good and bad. I need to get them all out. To help relieve some of this anxiety about to blow up inside me. 

One thing that is on my mind involves something today. As I sat in Relief Society today there was so much running through my mind. We have the grief run tomorrow to honor Corby and it makes me uneasy. I fear for the day that everyone forgets about him. I fear that tomorrow we are going to show up to the race and nobody will be there to help us remember our beautiful baby because he has been gone long enough for people to forget. I fear that people will become tired of me wanting to always bring Corby up. I fear that he will be forgotten. I fear that people won't want to talk about him. That his life will be erased like it never happened. 

There was so much more running though my mind, but that was a big part of my thoughts.  The lesson  in Relief Society was honoring the priesthood holders in our lives. There are so many times that the person teaching the lesson opens it up for more of an open discussion, and a lot of the times I can relate and could raise my hand, but I don't. It seems that everything that I can relate to focuses on Corby's death or the events leading up to his death or the events afterward. I don't want to become that person that always talks about the same thing in their life over and over again.  Today I, so bad, wanted to talk about how when Corby passed those first few weeks and months were almost unbearable. I have talked before about from the moment that I was praying to Heavenly Father to save my baby in the parking lot or our condo as the police officer cleaned out his car to take me to the hospital and I stood up and took that first step to get into his car it was no longer me walking on my own. It wasn't me telling myself that everything will be OK.  I felt my Savior with me, but shortly after I also felt satan there trying so hard to destroy me. To destroy our family. Brock having the priesthood was such a blessing. He gave me several blessings along with help from other members of our ward. That night in the ER after all of our family was called the first person that Brock called was our bishop. I am so grateful to that man and him living worthy to hold the priesthood. He rushed right over to the hospital to comfort us and our family. He gave the most beautiful spirit filled prayer I have ever heard or felt. Without the priesthood of our bishop, both of our fathers, Brock, and countless other ward brethren  I know that I would be in a different place than I am now emotionally. Since I didn't have enough strength to talk about it in relief society today I'm talking about it here. I have felt satan very strong since Corby passed. The strength of Brock and his priesthood has saved our family and our home from entering the grasps of satan. Satan has also tried to use the blessing of the priesthood against me. You can read about miracles performed by men with the priesthood all over in the scriptures. Jesus brought people back to life. Satan has used that to make me angry. Brock gave Corby a priesthood blessing right after we were told my the ER physician that he was gone. I remember him not blessing him to come back to life, but that he would be at peace. That he would know that we love him, but that we will be ok. I was angry for a long time that he didn't bless him to come back. Brock is very in-tune with the spirit and he listens to what he needs to say in his blessings that he gives. He knew that he wasn't supposed to bless Corbyn to come back to us. I wish more than anything that was supposed to be part of his plan. I wish I would have gotten a miracle. I don't believe for a second that because of that night and no miracle happened that the priesthood isn't real. I, sadly, understand that my miracle was what I witnessed afterwards. The countless people that lives changed. The people and strangers that changed their lives because of Corbyn. The two little boys that lives were saved because of Corby's heart valves. He gave two baby's parents the miracle of life. I know that I wouldn't be able to see all the blessings that have come from Corby's passing if it weren't for the men in my life that have the spirit close to them and have the priesthood. I'm grateful for my merciful Heavenly Father to allow me to have these men in my life to help me. I'm grateful for the priesthood holder that sealed us to each other and our babies for eternity. 

So even though I'm sad and heartbroken I know that I could be much worse if it weren't for Brock and all the other priesthood holders around me. I know that the days that I am much worse that my Savior is there to help carry me to make it bearable. Today I feel Him. Today I feel sad, but not alone.     I pray that tomorrow I will be able to feel my son close. I pray that people won't forget my baby. I would love more than anything for people to overwhelm the race in remembrance of him tomorrow. I hope that my fears are never realized and that my baby will always be remembered and spoken of.

Family pictures

I have wanted family pictures even before Corby passed away. One of my biggest regrets was not biting the bullet and just putting it on a credit card to get them done. I was literally waiting until the next paycheck that I got to schedule them. Corby passed away 6 days before that paycheck came. If I had advice to give any family it would be to not wait. Just get them done. You never know what is going to happen. There is never a good time. We are always too busy or don't have the money or what ever your excuse is. It's just that-an excuse. My excuse has cost me to not have a family picture with Corby, and I kick myself daily for it.
Well when I was talking/crying to my friend Brooke shortly after Corby passed I told her that regret not realizing that she is a photographer. I told her that I wanted to have family pictures done still after Corby passed, but didn't quite know how to incorporate him into the picture. I have literally thought about this for over 18 months now. Wondering what I wanted to do. I am part of an email group of other SUDC parents and months ago I remember someone posting a picture of their son looking down on her rainbow baby. He was faded so as to look like he was a spirit. I loved the idea! The hard part about that is you don't have your child there to pose like that so that you can get a picture. You have to have already taken something like that. I knew I didn't have anything like that of Corby so I knew that when Ledgyr came I couldn't do something like that. I racked my brain and looked through thousands of pictures and videos we have of Corby to see if there was one that we could use of him to incorporate into a family picture of us. We hardly ever had a full body shot of Corby so it was posing difficult to be able to use any of the pictures of him. There are a lot of families that use a framed picture of their loved one and sit that with them for the family picture. I liked that idea, but I didn't love it.

It still didn't make it feel like he was there with us. We have our Corby bear too that has sat in numerous pictures with us already and I knew that was a possibility as well, but it still wasn't enough. Especially since only people that knew the Corby bear existed would know why there was a bear in our picture.

I had decided that I had thought about it long enough and I needed to get something done. Not only because we needed to get a picture with both Corby and Ledgyr in it, but because I don't know when something else might happen. We needed to capture the family we do have right now. I contacted Brooke and told her I was looking at doing family pictures. 

You can visit her site by going here. 

She knew that our situation was very different since she has been with us from the very beginning and she knew we needed something special. We needed to include our boy so that it made us look like a whole family and not just us and then a missing piece. She immediately went to work and asked us for different pictures we might have of Corby. Some of them we had. Some of them we didn't. We set the day to be the Saturday of conference weekend. I thought that was a good day because it would help me hopefully feel Corby there with us. To help me get through a very hard photoshoot by feeling the spirit close that day. 

In our SUDC parent email group the question has come up a few times about what other families have done to include their angel in their family pictures. A lot of the parents were heartbroken, just as I was, to think about getting a family picture done without the whole family being there. All were torn because they too knew there needed to be one taken, but wanted their child there in the picture as well. 

Some people may not think about how a simple family photo can be such a heart breaking thing. When you are missing someone in the picture that will never be part of a picture again it becomes a little more emotional. How do you fill that hole in that family picture where a little person should be sitting or standing? How do you subtly include them without screaming to the world "MY CHILD DIED"? It's more of a process than you may think. Hence the 18 months of contemplating. 

The day came and I was so emotionally overwhelmed I thought several times about calling her and canceling. I didn't know if I was going to make it through an entire shoot and hold my tears back. How was I supposed to smile like I was happy when all I could think about was how Corby won't be there with us? I wanted my son there so bad and it was taking everything in me to put on that smile. Brooke was so kind and told me that at any time we could stop if it got too hard for me. There were several times that I wanted to run away and tell her I was done, but I knew that this needed to get done and it would have only postponed the inevitable. 

As we were searching for a place to take our pictures we walked past several other families taking pictures. They all seemed so innocent. There were babies and little kids running around. There were true smiles on their faces. The mothers were stressed, but not the way that I was stressed. They wanted to get that perfect family picture.  I really hadn't thought about being stressed about something that seemed so small to me now. My truly perfect picture would never happen because my son would never physically be in it. Why would I need to be stressed when I knew perfection wouldn't ever be achieved. I stressed about my emotions. I stressed about the sadness I wanted to hide in my eyes and on my face. 

Brooke wanted to take extra care while taking and editing these pictures and I am so grateful to her for all the emotion and time she put into these pictures. I needed someone to treat these pictures special. To want them to be perfect. She did just that. 

With Mother's Day being today it was a wonderful gift to get these pictures. It was especially wonderful to see these two pictures. 

When she told me they were done and I went to look at them I was at work. I sobbed when I saw them. I was so happy, but so sad at the same time. I was so happy that she captured what she did, but sad because I knew that there could have been so much more had Corby been there. I sobbed because I needed to physically see my boy in the picture with us. I needed to see that he is part of our family. Deep down I know he will always be part of our family, but there are times that I don't feel like he is. He has been gone longer than he was here with us and his memories of him seem to come and go now. I love this last picture that Brooke wanted to take and added Corby's hand in. Yes, mister chunk butt has the same size of hands as his brother had when he was over a year old, but I assure you that is Corby's hand and not Ledgyr's. 

It reminds me of porcelain figurines that my mom has at her house. She started with just the 5 figurines kneeling in a circle saying family prayer when there were just the 5 in family. As we have all grown and gotten married she has added our spouses to the circle. Now that we are having children of our own she has now added each of our children to the circle. Family prayer is special to me because of all the things that my family did it was family prayer on a regular basis. The time of the day that we all came together as a family. Most of the time was spent giggling when we should have been praying, but we were also giggling together. Making memories together as a family. When Corby got big enough he loved to play with his little praying figurine. I'm not sure if during one of the times he was playing with it and carrying it around he broke it, but it got chipped somehow. My mom spent a lot of time with Addy and Corby his short 13.5 months he was here because Brock was going to school in the evenings and I had to work. She saw how much Corby loved that little figurine.  So when he passed away she wanted him to have his figurine and put it in his hand in his casket. That was something that she wanted buried with him. She replaced his figurine with a fresh new one and my nephew has arranged them so that Corby is in the middle of our family circle. That hand picture reminds me of that family circle. Our family circle. 

Another part that I had a problem with was I knew that Brooke wanted to get individual and group pictures of us. I felt guilty when she wanted to get a picture of just me with Addy and then one of just me with Ledgyr. I felt like I was leaving Corby out. So we opted for just one of me and Addy and then one with Brock and the boys.

I wish more than anything that I could see those bright blue eyes and blonde hair in Brock's arms as well. 

Brooke captured Addy's bright blue eyes so perfectly and all I could think about looking at her eyes was the photos that she could have captured of my beautiful son as well. He was so photogenic and had the deepest big beautiful blue eyes. That's actually why we are wearing the royal blue. We call that "Corby blue" now and I wanted to incorporate him in our picture one other way. We wore that blue at his funeral and we wear it on special occasions to help include Corby there with us. 

This was his last haircut from his aunt Shy that he received the Monday before he passed. This picture doesn't do his beautiful blue eyes justice, but you can get an idea.

Here are some more pictures that she took that I am also in love with. 

She is such a beautiful loving little girl. I'm not quite sure where she came from with all her posing and always wanting to be glamed out to the nines, but nonetheless she must be mine since she looks exactly like me! She truly is our sunshine baby. From the minute that Corby passed she has tried to keep the sunshine in our lives. She is always coming up to me and hugging me telling me how sorry she is that Corby passed away. I can tell that she is sad and that breaks my heart, but she still puts on a smile for the rest of us. I fear for the day that she is not ok with her brother being gone and she breaks down. 

Brooke wanted to capture this picture when I was trying to feed Ledgyr while she ran to grab something from her car. I don't know anything more beautiful than a mother nursing her child. I was still nursing Corby when he passed away, and it hurt so much to have that ripped away from me. Having that constant reminder as my milk let down that I didn't have my child there to nurse from me. It was such a comfort to me as well as him. He would melt into me when he nursed because he loved it so much. That was one thing that I yearned for and was so grateful to have again when Ledgyr was born. 

Addy loves her daddy so much. This man is such a wonderful loving father. He is my anchor and the rock to this family. He continues to have never ending faith that our son left because it was part of The Plan when I continue to have more doubts and more questions as to why. He has given me countless priesthood blessings that have comforted me in ways that only he and my Savior could do. I am so grateful for his worthiness to hold the priesthood. He knows when I'm not having a good day by just looking into my eyes. 

Now for this little (big) cheeser butt. He is the true definition of a rainbow baby. He has that glow about him and a sparkle in his eye. He is that promise that there is something good that comes out of a storm. He is always so happy and loving. He loves to give kisses to everyone to show his love. He is very cuddly and not to mention squishy! 

The love that she has for her brother is nothing I have ever seen in a sibling before. She was the same with Corbyn, but I think, just like we all do, she feels like she can't take Ledgyr for granted. She told my mom the other day that we had to lose Corby so that we could get Ledgyr and that breaks my heart that she thinks that. I get it, though, I thought that for the longest time too. She has been talking about how she wants a baby sister now. I can't imagine what she had going through her mind if she thought that we had to lose Corby to get Ledgyr and now she wants a little sister. I tried to correct her and tell her that she didn't lose Corby to get Ledgyr and we won't lose Ledgyr to get another baby. I hope with everything in me I'm not wrong though. As I was reading my scriptures this morning I was reading D&C 6 and one of the verses in there says:

Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not

I have to remember to doubt not, and to have faith in Him. 

Ledgyr kissing his sissy

I absolutely LOVE this picture. Every time I look at it is brings tears to my eyes because she was sent here first because of her strength and love. She came to be our sunshine on our darkest days and to be the love that her brothers need. 

Ledgyr loves his sissy so much and is watching her ALL the time. She was trying to get him to smile and was playing peek-a-boo with him and he was cracking up, but at her and not the camera. I still love this shot though. 

Giving his brother kisses. I feel like he knows what that bear represents. I also feel like that he knows who his brother is. I catch him staring at pictures of Corby and smiling all the time. Just today he was getting fussy in church and the only thing that would calm him down was Brock showing a picture of Corby to him. 

I'm so grateful to have finally gotten some pictures done. I'm grateful for the loving, caring, amazing photographer that we had. If you would like to read about our photographer's experience with our pictures you can read about it here. Thank you for taking the time to read our story and thoughts. Please feel free to read previous posts as well. 

What do I say?

The biggest worry that I had about moving into a new area was having to tell people over and over again that one of my children died. When you meet someone a common question that is asked is "how many children do you have". That question is usually fine because I tell them three and leave it at that. It's the following questions after that one that are usually hard. They ask the ages and so on. Brock and I usually say a girl that is 4, a boy that would be 2.5, and a 6 month old. Some people catch onto the "would be" part and some don't. Some do catch on but pretend that they didn't hear it. Usually the conversation ends quickly after that because it gets awkward and they don't know how to handle the situation after that. Every time-every conversation is just as hard. It's still stings every time. It is something that I dread going to church because of. Going to the park, or just seeing someone outside. I will never leave my son out, but every time I get into a conversation with someone the question I always think in my mind is "what do I say?". Am I strong enough today to go into detail about Corby. Can I handle that conversation today? It has really taken a toll on me lately, but I still put on a smile and act like my life is just as normal as the person sitting next to me.
Ledger had his 6 month well check today with a new pediatrician. I have been dreading today since the minute I made the appointment because I knew that I had to tell him about Corbyn. I was dreading talking to him or his staff about my utter terror to get Ledgyr vaccinated and why. Would he understand? Would he be compassionate or just chalk Corbyn up as another SIDS case and brush it off because that just happens. ( yep people have said that to me) I wanted to, so bad, cancel the appointment and call our old pediatrician and tell her that we will be traveling an hour to her because she understands. She lived our horror right alongside us and gets it. She knew Corby personally from the time he was born and fell in love with him just as we all did. I didn't have to explain to her all my fears because she understood already. I didn't have to talk to her about my dead son and not having any answers because she was the one calling the medical examiner daily for weeks asking her questions and trying to find answers herself. She was the one that went to seminars with Corbyn in mind trying to find some path to go down to hopefully get answers.
I went to the appointment and the minute the medical assistant walked us into a room the first question she asked was about Ledgyr's vaccinations. Through tears in my eyes all I could say was that I would talk to the doctor about that. The appointment was already starting off on the wrong foot. I wanted to run out and not even see the doctor. When he came in it started out fine because he didn't know yet. He asked if there was anything that I or our other pediatrician is worried about with Ledgyr. The conversation immediately went down hill from there, but I had to tell him about Corbyn and my concerns about getting Ledgyr vaccinated. I wasn't strong enough emotionally today to go into detail about it all, and it felt like he was unsure on how to handle the situation anyway. I had just let a bomb off in the room and he wasn't prepared for it. He told me that he was so sorry, but I didn't feel like he really understood. Like he really got the depth of pain that Corby's death has caused. We hurried through the appointment and I quickly left.
All I wanted to do was cry and scream and hit something over and over again until I mutilated it the minute I walked out of that office. I'm tired of this pain. I'm tired of always having that conversation and feeling that sting over and over again. I hate more than anything that I have to have such a horrible conversation. Why me? Why my perfect son? Why can't I be overly excited to move into a new neighborhood and meet new friends without having to have this storm cloud follow me everywhere I go striking lightning bolts at me reminding me of my constant pain? I hate always having to ask myself when a new conversation starts "what do I say this time?".

"How will my dead son come up in this conversation?" "How will I emotionally handle it this time?".