Spider-Man

I can't sleep for so many reasons. I have had a lot on my mind lately. Brock has been asking me to get out Corby's growth records for a while now to see how Ledgyr compares to him in weight. I have pushed it aside because I haven't wanted to think back to the last time that he was weighed. The week before he passed I took him to the doctor because he had a cold and it sounded like it was moving into his lungs. I wanted to make sure that it didn't turn into pneumonia or wasn't headed that route. It was a weird feeling for me when I was at the doctors that day. I felt something wasn't right. I usually don't take my children to the doctor for every little illness, and now that I look back I don't know why I felt it so important that I needed to take Corby in. He didn't have a bad cough, and all that he had was a crackle in his upper respiratory tract just as any little kid gets when they get a cold. I believe that it was me subconsciously knowing something was happening. It was me trying to prevent what I consciously didn't know was coming. That was the last time that he was weighed. I finally pulled his records all out and looked. It hurt to see it all. It still hurts so much. The same box that those records were in was also the same box that his last tennis shoes he wore were in. I pulled those out and held them in my hands looking at every detail. Seeing the dirt on the bottom of them from his feet running around being the active and curious little boy he was. Thinking about the last time feet were in those were his cute little feet. They even still have the smell of his little feet in them. Remembering when he got those shoes for is 1 year birthday from Brock's parents. Remembering his birthday party and him sitting on my lap as he "opened" all of his presents. I can still feel that little body on my lap. I still remember that day so vividly. Down to the feeling of happiness I had. 

Not only did getting out those records make me think of Corby, but it brought fear back to me for Ledgyr. He has had a cold for the past week, and now has started with the crackles in his upper respiratory tract. I haven't been able to sleep well since that started. I have no idea, obviously, what caused Corby to pass away, but I am always looking at what was different. Him having that cold was different. There are other SUDC parents that talk about that their child came down with a runny nose that day or right around when their child passed. The problem is none of us know if that had anything to do with any of our children's passing. So instead we all worry about every last detail, and now worry about everything in our living children's lives. 

I recently came across a mother that posted about needing a birth photographer for her upcoming birth of her baby. She pointed out the importance of capturing moments like that and how she realizes that now that her son passed away. I don't know her personally so I didn't know her story.  Her profile picture was of her holding a toddler that looked to be sleeping. I know now that it was a picture of her holding her angel for the last time. Rocking him for the very last time.  I was curious to see how her son passed and how old he was. When I looked at her Facebook page I found the obituary and post announcing to everyone that he had passed away. I felt so drawn to this woman for several reasons. One, because it looked like her baby could possibly also be an SUDC baby since he too passed in his sleep. Two, because she was about to have this new baby and I remember every emotion I had throughout my entire labor and Ledgyr's birth and how hard it was for me. I wanted to somehow help her. Comfort her from her fears and emotions she is having and about to experience as well. I messaged her and introduced myself and being an SUDC parent. She asked me how Corby passed away and how we found him etc. I asked her the same question. She talked about how her baby was just coming down with a slight cold that day, but nothing that she thought she needed to worry about. He never had labored breathing or anything concerning. She talked about how they were looking into if that cold had anything to do with his passing since he did test positive for the cold virus and another common respiratory virus. Of course what did this do for me? It made me that much more concerned about Ledgyr. We haven't been using his sleep monitor since we moved into our new house because we moved him into Addy's old crib, and I was pretty certain that the one monitor pad that goes under the mattress wasn't going to work for such a big crib. I also was starting to have a little more trust in the Lord that he wouldn't take another one of my babies so I was feeling comfortable not using it until now. I asked Brock if he would hook it back up and recalibrate it for me. I was right about it not working though. With how much Ledgyr moves around when he sleeps if he's too far away from the monitor it's not able to sense his breathing so the alarm goes off alerting us that it thinks he's not breathing. So after being woke up rushing to my baby that I think is not breathing due to an alarm sounding we have decided we can't use it. So what does that mean for me? It makes me go back to not being able to comfortably sleep. So when I can't sleep I go get Ledgyr out of his crib and rock with him in  the rocking chair so that I know that he is still breathing. As I was doing this tonight it was really dark in his room and I thought back to me rocking Corby. Since Ledgyr weighs 24 pounds and Corby weighed 21 pounds when he passed all I could think about was that weight that was on my lap and that is what it would have felt like a few months later when Corby was that weight. I would look down at the silhouette that I could make out of a baby sleeping in my arms and for a second I pictured that it was Corby that I was holding. I couldn't see any details or anything like that because it was so dark so it made it easier for my mind to pretend for a moment. Ledgyr breaths the same as Corybn did. For a second I was able to feel like I had my Corby back in my arms. I loved it. Then I looked around and saw my surroundings and knew that wasn't him. I long  more than anything for that day that I will get to have him back in my arms again. I long to celebrate the rest of his days with him. To see what he would be liking at his age he would be now. To have birthday parties for him every year as he grows older. 

Now to get to what I originally sat down to write about. Today we went to Brock's cousin's little boy's 3 year birthday party. The theme was Spider-Man. I have wrote before about what Spider-Man is to us and how he relates to Corby. So finding out that this party for a 3 year old boy was going to be Spider-Man was hard for me to handle at first. I have thought about if Corby were still here what theme of party would we be having for him in September. I have noticed that superhero's are a big thing for 3 and 4 year old little boys. Since we always called Corby Spidey I would imagine that we would have had a Spider-Man themed party as well. Unfortunately it's a party that we will never get to throw for him and celebrate him being 3 here on this earth. I have tried really hard to hide my emotion that a lot of things bring up because I feel that people feel uncomfortable and that they have somehow hurt my feelings because I'm emotional, once again, about my son. When, in fact, that's not the case at all. I'm always emotional now. I, most likely, get emotional because I'm so happy that someone else is talking about my baby and thinking about him other than me. I decided I would put on that strong face and go to the party. I would watch and see what a Spider-Man party could have been like for my son. I was able to watch the excitement in this little boy's eyes as his uncle dressed up like Spider-Man. To see the smile on his face as he ran around with the other children chasing Spider-Man was hard, but also good to see. I tried to picture Corby running around squealing his little squeal the whole time. It took everything in me to not focus on the "what could have been's" with Corby, and I think I did a pretty good job. Maybe for Corby's birthday in Heaven we can do come kind of celebration with Spider-man theme as well. I still have a few months to decide.