Memorial day

Another Memorial Day is here upon us. It means so much more to me now that I have a son that is dead. I never really thought about how special this day was. I saw how the cemeteries were always beautifully decorated with flowers every Memorial Day, but I didn't grasp what this day really was. It's about so many heartbroken people honoring their loved ones that have passed on. It's a day that you realize that there is so much heartache in the world.

I've been feeling very uneasy the last several weeks. Mother's Day came and was so hard for me. I didn't have a little 2.5 year old coloring pictures to give to me on Mother's Day. I didn't have his arms wrapped around my neck and wet kisses on my cheek as he happily wished me a happy Mother's Day. Did you know that Mother's Day was actually started by a woman that wanted to honor her mother that had lost children and honor her strength? I didn't either. Not until Corbyn died. Like I mentioned I have been having some rough couple of weeks. I am sitting down to write with no real topic in mind other than I'm sad. I'm broken and I wish it would all go away. I wish that I could change the past and fix whatever made Corby not whole. I need to write about my thoughts of today. Good and bad. I need to get them all out. To help relieve some of this anxiety about to blow up inside me. 

One thing that is on my mind involves something today. As I sat in Relief Society today there was so much running through my mind. We have the grief run tomorrow to honor Corby and it makes me uneasy. I fear for the day that everyone forgets about him. I fear that tomorrow we are going to show up to the race and nobody will be there to help us remember our beautiful baby because he has been gone long enough for people to forget. I fear that people will become tired of me wanting to always bring Corby up. I fear that he will be forgotten. I fear that people won't want to talk about him. That his life will be erased like it never happened. 

There was so much more running though my mind, but that was a big part of my thoughts.  The lesson  in Relief Society was honoring the priesthood holders in our lives. There are so many times that the person teaching the lesson opens it up for more of an open discussion, and a lot of the times I can relate and could raise my hand, but I don't. It seems that everything that I can relate to focuses on Corby's death or the events leading up to his death or the events afterward. I don't want to become that person that always talks about the same thing in their life over and over again.  Today I, so bad, wanted to talk about how when Corby passed those first few weeks and months were almost unbearable. I have talked before about from the moment that I was praying to Heavenly Father to save my baby in the parking lot or our condo as the police officer cleaned out his car to take me to the hospital and I stood up and took that first step to get into his car it was no longer me walking on my own. It wasn't me telling myself that everything will be OK.  I felt my Savior with me, but shortly after I also felt satan there trying so hard to destroy me. To destroy our family. Brock having the priesthood was such a blessing. He gave me several blessings along with help from other members of our ward. That night in the ER after all of our family was called the first person that Brock called was our bishop. I am so grateful to that man and him living worthy to hold the priesthood. He rushed right over to the hospital to comfort us and our family. He gave the most beautiful spirit filled prayer I have ever heard or felt. Without the priesthood of our bishop, both of our fathers, Brock, and countless other ward brethren  I know that I would be in a different place than I am now emotionally. Since I didn't have enough strength to talk about it in relief society today I'm talking about it here. I have felt satan very strong since Corby passed. The strength of Brock and his priesthood has saved our family and our home from entering the grasps of satan. Satan has also tried to use the blessing of the priesthood against me. You can read about miracles performed by men with the priesthood all over in the scriptures. Jesus brought people back to life. Satan has used that to make me angry. Brock gave Corby a priesthood blessing right after we were told my the ER physician that he was gone. I remember him not blessing him to come back to life, but that he would be at peace. That he would know that we love him, but that we will be ok. I was angry for a long time that he didn't bless him to come back. Brock is very in-tune with the spirit and he listens to what he needs to say in his blessings that he gives. He knew that he wasn't supposed to bless Corbyn to come back to us. I wish more than anything that was supposed to be part of his plan. I wish I would have gotten a miracle. I don't believe for a second that because of that night and no miracle happened that the priesthood isn't real. I, sadly, understand that my miracle was what I witnessed afterwards. The countless people that lives changed. The people and strangers that changed their lives because of Corbyn. The two little boys that lives were saved because of Corby's heart valves. He gave two baby's parents the miracle of life. I know that I wouldn't be able to see all the blessings that have come from Corby's passing if it weren't for the men in my life that have the spirit close to them and have the priesthood. I'm grateful for my merciful Heavenly Father to allow me to have these men in my life to help me. I'm grateful for the priesthood holder that sealed us to each other and our babies for eternity. 

So even though I'm sad and heartbroken I know that I could be much worse if it weren't for Brock and all the other priesthood holders around me. I know that the days that I am much worse that my Savior is there to help carry me to make it bearable. Today I feel Him. Today I feel sad, but not alone.     I pray that tomorrow I will be able to feel my son close. I pray that people won't forget my baby. I would love more than anything for people to overwhelm the race in remembrance of him tomorrow. I hope that my fears are never realized and that my baby will always be remembered and spoken of.