"Get over it"

I had heard from other people who have previously lost a loved one that other people have said that to them. After Corby passed people told me that I would be hearing that from people that didn't get it. People that had no idea what it was like to lose a child. They told me that it would come as a complete blow and hurt so much. I hadn't thought much about it past that, though. I thought I surrounded myself around people that were compassionate enough to understand there was no way to ever get over losing my child. My beautiful, healthy, amazing little boy.
I just started back to work last week so once again I'm getting people asking me about my children since they knew I was out on maternity leave after having a child. Corby always comes up because I will never not talk about him and exclude him as one of my children. I was talking with a laboratory instrument rep and all those questions came up. Corby came up and how he died was asked, obviously, but what came next utterly shocked me and rattled me to the core. Then my core lit on fire and it took everything in me to not explode. This rep talked about how he had a sister that lost her 27 year old son the same way. His wife went to wake him up for work to find him dead. The autopsy report came back as unexplained and unexpected death. He talked about how his sister decorates his grave and does so many things to remember him and posts them on Facebook. He then said that he loves his sister so much but he wishes she would just get over it already. "It was three years ago and she's still doing all this stuff." Yup you thought exactly right on what I did next. I lost it. Thankfully I had another coworker in there with me that had lost her husband years ago very tragically. I knew she knew what he was saying was wrong. So she helped me feel more confident to kindly tell this stupid, stupid man that what he was saying was very hurtful and so very wrong. I asked him questions that he most likely hadn't thought of. I asked him if he thinks of his children on a daily basis. He answered yes. I asked him if he enjoyed taking care of his children an he said yes. I then asked him why then would it be any different for his sister. Why does she, now that her son is dead, have to stop thinking about him and doing things for him the only way she knows she can? Just because now when she thinks about her son feelings of sadness and grief come along with her thoughts doesn't mean that she can't have those thoughts. Grief is a never ending journey. If she wants to decorate his grave and post pictures of it on Facebook then she can. That may be her way of working through her grief. Why does someone else that hasn't gone through the pain get to decided how long a griever can grieve? To judge them for grieving the way they grieve? If you were in that person's shoes would you still think about your child every single day? Wonder what they would be doing? Wonder what they would look like now? Wonder what they would grow up to become? How about all those generations that could have been but aren't and won't ever will be? These are all thoughts mothers and fathers that have lost a child think about daily. What is wrong with that? I look at my two nephews that are 6 months younger than Corby. They are now past the stage that I last knew Corby at. They are saying new words every day and doing all sorts of new things. EVERY time I look at them I wonder what Corby would be like now, and it makes me sad every time. My heart feels like it gets stabbed every time. What is wrong with that? NOTHING! I will probably always look at them and think that. I see them play together and wish more than anything that Corby was there playing right alongside them. What is so wrong with me thinking those thoughts? What is so wrong with me going and decorating his grave?

It made me feel so good to do something for Corby. That day it was my grief work. It's what got me through that day. I loved that the kids wanted to help too. You can tell that they did the majority of putting the decorations in the ground. It shows their love, and I love that. That's what Corby would have liked the best too. That is what helps MY grief. I hope more than anything that people understand that for me as well as for the other bereaved parents out there. We do what keeps us going each day. Sometimes the day is too much for us. Don't judge us. Love us. We need it. 

Remembering him

Now that the holidays are over I wanted to touch on the subject of remembering someone's child that has passed or any loved one for that matter. It hurts the bereaved beyond comprehension that they have to go through the holidays without their loved one. For me it's my child. I don't get to see him stuff his face with candy on Halloween. Run around with cousins and eat Thanksgiving dinner. Write letters to and visit Santa. Open present after present on Christmas morning. All of these things I will never get to see him do. His first holidays he was just months old so there wasn't much interaction with him enjoying the holidays. I was looking forward to them so much the next year because I knew he would be a such a great age to enjoy it. It hurts so very much that he's not here every other day, but even more so during the holidays when family is such a focus. As the death of my son gets further and further people are now forgetting that he existed. As his mother I still think about it every day. Just as any mother would think about her living children. I'm sure my thought process is different from the usual thoughts that run through a mother's head about her living child, but it still doesn't stop me from thinking about him. This doesn't change around the holidays either. I walk past toys and wonder if he would like that, or clothes and wonder if he would fit into that now. Wishing that I was buying those things for him for Christmas.
It hurts us in the bereaved parent club when people don't remember their child any time, but even worse around the holidays. They don't need to go out and buy extravagant gifts for the child as if they were here, but just remembering them in some way is all that the parent needs. I experienced this on both sides this year and I can attest to you how much it hurts to not have my son remembered. To help with people remembering him and doing something simple I set up his grave with a tree and two wreaths for people to put an ornament for him.

I don't bring this up to make people feel bad, but I want to make other people aware of ways to help and comfort a bereaved parent. Some simple, yet very effective ways of remembering a lost loved one that I have thought of are:

-Send them a card acknowledging that you are thinking of them and their loved one

-Buy an ornament that reminded you of their loved one and either give it to them or hang it on your own tree letting them know you did that.

-Make a donation in their name to a charity you feel best

-One that I love is very simple. Write the loved one's name down somewhere that you are vacationing or in another country, state, city etc. Even if you are just at work. It can be on a simple piece of paper or in the sand, snow, dirt etc. Send it to the parent letting them know you are thinking of them this holiday season or any time for that matter. 

- Plant a tree in honor of their loved one and decorate it the way the loved one would have liked. 

-Do something for the loved one that has passed (very simple) if you are planning on getting something for the rest of the family. (It's very easy for the family to think you forgot about the loved one that has passed when you don't acknowledge them in some way) Even if it's writing them a letter or buying something for them, but can be used by someone else in the family. 

I'm sure there are plenty more ideas and I would love to hear about them from everyone. So please share, but make sure to remember their loved ones. It will mean the world to them when you do. 

Grief running

I have had a bad last couple of days. We went over to my parents for dinner and for some reason all I could think about was that last Sunday that we were over there with Corby still with us. I was very emotional and every little thing would either set me off mad or crying.  After we ate dinner it was time for Ledgyr to take his nap and he was getting fussy very fast. I searched everywhere for a binky and couldn't find one in all of our stuff. I remembered that my mom would keep a stash of binkys in the cupboard for occasions such as this one. When I went and opened up the cupboard the thought came to my mind that the last time I went in this cupboard for a binky or anything baby related it was for Corby. I quickly grabbed one out and gave it to him only to realize shortly after that was one of Corby's binks. That sent me over the edge. My dad was in the room with me and he told me that he has a binky in is gun safe that he found of the last day that Corby was there at their house that Sunday. He says that he can still see his dried slobber on it.

I tried to hold back the tears because I didn't want my dad to see my crying once again, but as the moments passed I couldn't hold it in any longer. When it was time to go and as we were leaving I gave my mom a hug. I melted into her arms and sobbed. Saying that I miss my baby so much and wish more than anything that he could be here. I could tell that my mom wanted to take my pain away so bad, but all that she knew to do was just hold me tight and let me cry. I so bad wanted the pain to go away too.
I don't know why I broke that day. I don't know if it's because I'm not in my own home right now so I feel like I have to be strong so that the friend that we are living with doesn't think I'm crazy and unstable. Is it the fact that my maternity leave is ending soon? Is it because we no longer live in the only place that my boy called home? It doesn't matter the why. All I know is that I'm in a deep pit again.
Yesterday was such a beautiful day that when Brock got home from work he suggested that I go for a run. I jumped at the suggestion because I need some time to myself. I love to run because it's time for me to get the good hormones flowing and gives me time to just ponder my thoughts. Nobody to bug me or interrupt my thought process. As I started off on my running journey along legacy trail my mind quickly went to thinking about my boy. I thought about what it would be like when the day finally comes that I get to see him again. I thought about the time I had with him while I was on maternity leave with him.  I thought about what it would be like if I would have had Corby here and had all three of my babies with me to enjoy my 12 weeks leave from work. My mind wandered to how Corby would be with Ledgyr. Would he be like Addy was with him? Would he be fascinated with him and want to do everything he could to help mommy? Would he be too caught up in playing with his toys and Addy that he would hardly realize that he has a new baby brother? As all these thoughts raced through my head it wasn't before too long that I was all the way down by I-215 which was about 3.5 miles from where I started. I hadn't even noticed how far I had gone since my GPS on my Nike app wasn't working and said that I had only gone 1.75 miles. It surely didn't feel like I just ran further than a 5K and my GPS obviously had no idea, but I figured that I had to still go back so I better not go any further. After all, I'm nowhere near marathon running shape since I'm only 12 weeks post baby body I really didn't want to over do it. There were times that I was in such deep thought that I didn't even feel as if I was running at all. It felt good to be in such deep thought. To allow my mind to wander which ever way it wanted without interruption. It felt healing to not have to stop my thoughts to take care of something or someone. I was finally taking care of me. When I returned home I felt amazing. I had gone almost 7 miles but the miles didn't matter to me. It was all the thoughts I was able to finally release from my shattered heart and broken mind. I felt ready to jump back in my crazy whirlwind of a life. Broken pieces and all.
I am beyond grateful that I am able to go out and run. That I am able to relieve my broken heart even for a short time. In all honesty I have no idea how I got all the way to I-215. I only remember a few things along my run. I'm sure that my Savior knew that I needed to work through those thoughts so he was there along the way to carry me so I could get it all out. My lesson through this all... I need to run more. :)

He is not him

Every day I look at this little person in my arms and my mind tries and tries to see Corbyn. My mind desperately wants to see that the baby I am holding in my arms is the last baby I held that was mine. The one that I am nursing is the last baby I nursed. I have to remind myself constantly that Ledgyr is not Corbyn. He is his own little person and never will be Corbyn. I so bad want to look for similarities in him that Corby had because in a way it feels like I can still have him here. Our minds play weird tricks on us. My grieving, broken mind tries so hard to heal me and my broken soul. I have to remember that Ledgyr is here to help heal me not to bring Corbyn back to me. He is NOT Corbyn. He never will be. Yes they are brothers and they will have some similarities, and yes even if Corbyn was still here I would be looking at both of them and finding similarities of them both. There isn't anything wrong with me trying to compare their looks and mannerisms to each other. We all do that. I just happen to do it with my living children and pictures of my child that is no longer living. That part is the hard part for me. I ache as I look at him in the pictures or videos. Wonder what he would look like now. I look back at pictures of Addy at a year ago and see how much she has changed from then to now. It's amazing the change. I would love more than anything to see that amazing change in Corbyn. I can't. I am slowly coming to grips with that. So as I slowly come to grips with it in the mean time my mind still wants him in my arms. The last baby I held in my arms that was mine. The last child I nursed and nourished from my own body. The last little body that I pumped my milk for was Corbyn. It all got ripped away from me in an instant. So much so that even when I was in shock doing CPR on him that night I had my milk let down. You may think that doesn't seem that weird since I was still breast feeding him, but with me I stop getting the milk let down sensations after the baby is about 6 months old. So this sensation hadn't happened to me in months. To me, I think it was a way for my mind and body to help in anyway that it could. That it was doing what it already knew what it could do. I'm sure that a lot of other factors came into play with the abundance of hormones that were released in that instant of time, but it seemed odd to me that one of the responses was my milk let down. I'm sure there is some scientific explanation for it, but for me I like to think of it the way I do.
The days and weeks after he passed I yearned to have that sensation again. Knowing that the last time I had that sensation was when he was still in my arms. Lifeless, but still in my arms. I yearned to have my baby back to nurse. I wasn't ready to be done and I had no time to cope with the fact that I HAD to be done in an instant. The whole time I was pregnant with Ledgyr that was the biggest thing that I couldn't wait for. I remember the first time that he latched on after I had him and the overwhelming joy that I felt to feel that sensation of a baby at my breast again. I even remember saying to Brock that it was such a good feeling to feel again and how much I missed that.
Now my mind and body has to realize that this is a new baby. Not the last one that suddenly wasn't there anymore to feed and nourish and grow.
It's weird to think about my mind and body as separate, but I know that I have felt that my mind can think something completely different from what my body is feeling. I never thought of them as separate entities until that night Corbyn passed. At one point as my mind was pleading with the Lord to save my baby my body was so calm and I almost felt detached from it. Then at another point after the ER physician told me that he was gone and there was nothing else they could do my mind was oddly at ease knowing that this was supposed to be this way while my body was feeling the most pain and anguish I have ever felt. I couldn't breath. It felt like my heart couldn't even take a full beat. Like it was beating barely half a beat just to keep some blood flowing through my body. Yes, I do know that isn't possible, but that is what it felt like. My heart physically hurt beyond any pain I could describe and was doing the bare minimum just to keep me alive.
I feel like this will be a struggle for a while of having to remind myself that Ledgyr is a different baby. I don't know if it will take until he grows past 411 days for my mind to come to terms that he is not and never will be Corbyn. I do know that I have an overwhelming love for this baby. I do know that I would have had the same love even if Corbyn was still here. Would I have taken it for granted more? Possibly. Do I now? Nope. I know that Corbyn leaving has made me cherish my children and husband more. I didn't know that was possible, but it certainly is. I wake up every day with such joy to have each of them with me. I go to bed every night in fear that I won't have all of them when I wake up. It's a fear I will always have because that fear as already been realized once for me.
And so the grief journey continues for me. A never ending journey that is an unmarked, but sadly very well traveled path.

What's in a name?

I was asked several times why I chose Corbyn's name by several people. I had people that either hated his name and wouldn't hide it when they would ask me why the name Corbyn, and then there were others that loved his name. I loved it. I thought it is a very masculine name that was good for an adult as well as a child. You know those names that you hear a baby having and all you think of was your grandparents friends or an adult's name that all you can think of is a little child running around instead of an adult? I thought the name Corbyn was neither of those. I never had a good answer as to why I chose that name for him when people would ask me so I would just say that Brock and I liked it. All of my baby's names have just come to me/us. They haven't come from a baby name list or book. With Addyson's name I distinctly remember standing in the grocery line at Macy's pregnant with Addy and the name Addyson Mari just popped into my head. When I asked Brock what he thought he said he liked it. It wasn't until later that I started hearing her name EVERYWHERE! I have thought several times about changing her name, but I never could because I knew that was her name that she was supposed to have. I never looked up the meaning of my children's names to see if they meant anything, so to me that didn't matter. My mother's instinct knew that their names were supposed to be what they are. It wasn't until after Corbyn passed that I my brother sent me the meaning of Corby's name that he found in a book that he was studying. He sent me the picture of the page so that I could read it myself.

When I read it I was brought to tears. I couldn't believe it! I had just got done reading a book called Your Endowment by Mark A. Shields that talked about how the temple was Heaven on earth that those two words are interchangeable. So when I read that Corban was dedicated to the temple it was a reassurance to me that he was meant for Heaven. That he was only my possession for a specified period and that period was only 411 days. It brought comfort to my heart and reassured to me that everything certainly does happen for a reason. I know now that Corby was supposed to be named that more than ever before. Brock was the one that came up with his name as we were sitting in the hospital after having Corby wondering what we were going to call him. We looked at all the baby name lists and nothing stuck with us. Just out of the blue he says to me "What about Corbin but change it to have a 'Y' "? We wanted to have all our babies have a 'Y' in their name. I immediately fell in love with it and knew that was supposed to be his name.
It doesn't stop there with the names though.... After we knew what we were going to name our third baby and we started telling people we got the same thing of people either hating it or loving it. The questions also followed along with hearing his name for the first time of why did we choose that name etc. I dreamt Ledgyr's name and woke up wide awake at 3:30 in the morning one morning knowing what our baby's name was supposed to be. I ran it by Brock and he immediately loved it as well. He asked me where I came up with that and I told him that I dreamt it. He made the comment that all our baby's names have just come to me. We didn't know why we needed to name him Ledgyr other than we liked the name. It too is masculine and works for a child as well as an adult. Plus it wasn't popular like Addy's name is so that was another positive to it. I didn't think to look up the meaning of Ledgyr's name, either, so I never did.
A couple of weeks ago my grandfather passed away and along came the emotions of loss and helplessness flooding back. I had just decorated Corby's grave for Christmas a few days prior, but needed to add his LED lights to his wreaths so I went to his grave with Addy and Ledgyr. We sat there at the cemetery for quite a while just talking about Corby and Grandpa. It breaks my heart that Addy knows about death all too well. I was so beyond emotional and it was comforting to have her there to keep me grounded so to not loose it completely.  My parents were on their way home from the hospital after saying their last goodbyes and stopped at the cemetery as well. My dad and I were talking and I was crying about how unfair death is and I wish that we never had to experience it. Also how much I hated the fact that I had to be at the cemetery at all. That it was always on my mind that I needed to go there and visit because I had my baby there. We started talking about how Ledgyr has been such a great thing for all of us, and I explained to my dad the meaning of a rainbow baby. He thought that was a perfect description for a baby after a loss. He then asked me the question why I named him Ledgyr. My first thought was great he doesn't like it and wants to know why such a special baby got such a dumb name in his book. I told him I didn't know other than I dreamt it. He asked me if I had ever looked up the meaning of ledger. I told him no and all I could think of was a ledger book. He has been in construction for as long as I can remember and there is also a ledger in construction. He told me the construction meaning of a ledger is a support member for other members of the structure. He figured that I chose Ledgyr's name based on the fact that he was brought here to support our family after such a horrendous earthquake that almost crumbled us into a heaping pile of mess.  I was again brought to tears and couldn't believe that there was such an important meaning to another of my child's names. I now know that my Heavenly Father has a hand in everything in our lives all the way down to what our names are. We may never know why we name our children what we do, but I am so grateful I have been able to find out why for two of my children.