Grief running

I have had a bad last couple of days. We went over to my parents for dinner and for some reason all I could think about was that last Sunday that we were over there with Corby still with us. I was very emotional and every little thing would either set me off mad or crying.  After we ate dinner it was time for Ledgyr to take his nap and he was getting fussy very fast. I searched everywhere for a binky and couldn't find one in all of our stuff. I remembered that my mom would keep a stash of binkys in the cupboard for occasions such as this one. When I went and opened up the cupboard the thought came to my mind that the last time I went in this cupboard for a binky or anything baby related it was for Corby. I quickly grabbed one out and gave it to him only to realize shortly after that was one of Corby's binks. That sent me over the edge. My dad was in the room with me and he told me that he has a binky in is gun safe that he found of the last day that Corby was there at their house that Sunday. He says that he can still see his dried slobber on it.

I tried to hold back the tears because I didn't want my dad to see my crying once again, but as the moments passed I couldn't hold it in any longer. When it was time to go and as we were leaving I gave my mom a hug. I melted into her arms and sobbed. Saying that I miss my baby so much and wish more than anything that he could be here. I could tell that my mom wanted to take my pain away so bad, but all that she knew to do was just hold me tight and let me cry. I so bad wanted the pain to go away too.
I don't know why I broke that day. I don't know if it's because I'm not in my own home right now so I feel like I have to be strong so that the friend that we are living with doesn't think I'm crazy and unstable. Is it the fact that my maternity leave is ending soon? Is it because we no longer live in the only place that my boy called home? It doesn't matter the why. All I know is that I'm in a deep pit again.
Yesterday was such a beautiful day that when Brock got home from work he suggested that I go for a run. I jumped at the suggestion because I need some time to myself. I love to run because it's time for me to get the good hormones flowing and gives me time to just ponder my thoughts. Nobody to bug me or interrupt my thought process. As I started off on my running journey along legacy trail my mind quickly went to thinking about my boy. I thought about what it would be like when the day finally comes that I get to see him again. I thought about the time I had with him while I was on maternity leave with him.  I thought about what it would be like if I would have had Corby here and had all three of my babies with me to enjoy my 12 weeks leave from work. My mind wandered to how Corby would be with Ledgyr. Would he be like Addy was with him? Would he be fascinated with him and want to do everything he could to help mommy? Would he be too caught up in playing with his toys and Addy that he would hardly realize that he has a new baby brother? As all these thoughts raced through my head it wasn't before too long that I was all the way down by I-215 which was about 3.5 miles from where I started. I hadn't even noticed how far I had gone since my GPS on my Nike app wasn't working and said that I had only gone 1.75 miles. It surely didn't feel like I just ran further than a 5K and my GPS obviously had no idea, but I figured that I had to still go back so I better not go any further. After all, I'm nowhere near marathon running shape since I'm only 12 weeks post baby body I really didn't want to over do it. There were times that I was in such deep thought that I didn't even feel as if I was running at all. It felt good to be in such deep thought. To allow my mind to wander which ever way it wanted without interruption. It felt healing to not have to stop my thoughts to take care of something or someone. I was finally taking care of me. When I returned home I felt amazing. I had gone almost 7 miles but the miles didn't matter to me. It was all the thoughts I was able to finally release from my shattered heart and broken mind. I felt ready to jump back in my crazy whirlwind of a life. Broken pieces and all.
I am beyond grateful that I am able to go out and run. That I am able to relieve my broken heart even for a short time. In all honesty I have no idea how I got all the way to I-215. I only remember a few things along my run. I'm sure that my Savior knew that I needed to work through those thoughts so he was there along the way to carry me so I could get it all out. My lesson through this all... I need to run more. :)