Grief running

I have had a bad last couple of days. We went over to my parents for dinner and for some reason all I could think about was that last Sunday that we were over there with Corby still with us. I was very emotional and every little thing would either set me off mad or crying.  After we ate dinner it was time for Ledgyr to take his nap and he was getting fussy very fast. I searched everywhere for a binky and couldn't find one in all of our stuff. I remembered that my mom would keep a stash of binkys in the cupboard for occasions such as this one. When I went and opened up the cupboard the thought came to my mind that the last time I went in this cupboard for a binky or anything baby related it was for Corby. I quickly grabbed one out and gave it to him only to realize shortly after that was one of Corby's binks. That sent me over the edge. My dad was in the room with me and he told me that he has a binky in is gun safe that he found of the last day that Corby was there at their house that Sunday. He says that he can still see his dried slobber on it.

I tried to hold back the tears because I didn't want my dad to see my crying once again, but as the moments passed I couldn't hold it in any longer. When it was time to go and as we were leaving I gave my mom a hug. I melted into her arms and sobbed. Saying that I miss my baby so much and wish more than anything that he could be here. I could tell that my mom wanted to take my pain away so bad, but all that she knew to do was just hold me tight and let me cry. I so bad wanted the pain to go away too.
I don't know why I broke that day. I don't know if it's because I'm not in my own home right now so I feel like I have to be strong so that the friend that we are living with doesn't think I'm crazy and unstable. Is it the fact that my maternity leave is ending soon? Is it because we no longer live in the only place that my boy called home? It doesn't matter the why. All I know is that I'm in a deep pit again.
Yesterday was such a beautiful day that when Brock got home from work he suggested that I go for a run. I jumped at the suggestion because I need some time to myself. I love to run because it's time for me to get the good hormones flowing and gives me time to just ponder my thoughts. Nobody to bug me or interrupt my thought process. As I started off on my running journey along legacy trail my mind quickly went to thinking about my boy. I thought about what it would be like when the day finally comes that I get to see him again. I thought about the time I had with him while I was on maternity leave with him.  I thought about what it would be like if I would have had Corby here and had all three of my babies with me to enjoy my 12 weeks leave from work. My mind wandered to how Corby would be with Ledgyr. Would he be like Addy was with him? Would he be fascinated with him and want to do everything he could to help mommy? Would he be too caught up in playing with his toys and Addy that he would hardly realize that he has a new baby brother? As all these thoughts raced through my head it wasn't before too long that I was all the way down by I-215 which was about 3.5 miles from where I started. I hadn't even noticed how far I had gone since my GPS on my Nike app wasn't working and said that I had only gone 1.75 miles. It surely didn't feel like I just ran further than a 5K and my GPS obviously had no idea, but I figured that I had to still go back so I better not go any further. After all, I'm nowhere near marathon running shape since I'm only 12 weeks post baby body I really didn't want to over do it. There were times that I was in such deep thought that I didn't even feel as if I was running at all. It felt good to be in such deep thought. To allow my mind to wander which ever way it wanted without interruption. It felt healing to not have to stop my thoughts to take care of something or someone. I was finally taking care of me. When I returned home I felt amazing. I had gone almost 7 miles but the miles didn't matter to me. It was all the thoughts I was able to finally release from my shattered heart and broken mind. I felt ready to jump back in my crazy whirlwind of a life. Broken pieces and all.
I am beyond grateful that I am able to go out and run. That I am able to relieve my broken heart even for a short time. In all honesty I have no idea how I got all the way to I-215. I only remember a few things along my run. I'm sure that my Savior knew that I needed to work through those thoughts so he was there along the way to carry me so I could get it all out. My lesson through this all... I need to run more. :)

He is not him

Every day I look at this little person in my arms and my mind tries and tries to see Corbyn. My mind desperately wants to see that the baby I am holding in my arms is the last baby I held that was mine. The one that I am nursing is the last baby I nursed. I have to remind myself constantly that Ledgyr is not Corbyn. He is his own little person and never will be Corbyn. I so bad want to look for similarities in him that Corby had because in a way it feels like I can still have him here. Our minds play weird tricks on us. My grieving, broken mind tries so hard to heal me and my broken soul. I have to remember that Ledgyr is here to help heal me not to bring Corbyn back to me. He is NOT Corbyn. He never will be. Yes they are brothers and they will have some similarities, and yes even if Corbyn was still here I would be looking at both of them and finding similarities of them both. There isn't anything wrong with me trying to compare their looks and mannerisms to each other. We all do that. I just happen to do it with my living children and pictures of my child that is no longer living. That part is the hard part for me. I ache as I look at him in the pictures or videos. Wonder what he would look like now. I look back at pictures of Addy at a year ago and see how much she has changed from then to now. It's amazing the change. I would love more than anything to see that amazing change in Corbyn. I can't. I am slowly coming to grips with that. So as I slowly come to grips with it in the mean time my mind still wants him in my arms. The last baby I held in my arms that was mine. The last child I nursed and nourished from my own body. The last little body that I pumped my milk for was Corbyn. It all got ripped away from me in an instant. So much so that even when I was in shock doing CPR on him that night I had my milk let down. You may think that doesn't seem that weird since I was still breast feeding him, but with me I stop getting the milk let down sensations after the baby is about 6 months old. So this sensation hadn't happened to me in months. To me, I think it was a way for my mind and body to help in anyway that it could. That it was doing what it already knew what it could do. I'm sure that a lot of other factors came into play with the abundance of hormones that were released in that instant of time, but it seemed odd to me that one of the responses was my milk let down. I'm sure there is some scientific explanation for it, but for me I like to think of it the way I do.
The days and weeks after he passed I yearned to have that sensation again. Knowing that the last time I had that sensation was when he was still in my arms. Lifeless, but still in my arms. I yearned to have my baby back to nurse. I wasn't ready to be done and I had no time to cope with the fact that I HAD to be done in an instant. The whole time I was pregnant with Ledgyr that was the biggest thing that I couldn't wait for. I remember the first time that he latched on after I had him and the overwhelming joy that I felt to feel that sensation of a baby at my breast again. I even remember saying to Brock that it was such a good feeling to feel again and how much I missed that.
Now my mind and body has to realize that this is a new baby. Not the last one that suddenly wasn't there anymore to feed and nourish and grow.
It's weird to think about my mind and body as separate, but I know that I have felt that my mind can think something completely different from what my body is feeling. I never thought of them as separate entities until that night Corbyn passed. At one point as my mind was pleading with the Lord to save my baby my body was so calm and I almost felt detached from it. Then at another point after the ER physician told me that he was gone and there was nothing else they could do my mind was oddly at ease knowing that this was supposed to be this way while my body was feeling the most pain and anguish I have ever felt. I couldn't breath. It felt like my heart couldn't even take a full beat. Like it was beating barely half a beat just to keep some blood flowing through my body. Yes, I do know that isn't possible, but that is what it felt like. My heart physically hurt beyond any pain I could describe and was doing the bare minimum just to keep me alive.
I feel like this will be a struggle for a while of having to remind myself that Ledgyr is a different baby. I don't know if it will take until he grows past 411 days for my mind to come to terms that he is not and never will be Corbyn. I do know that I have an overwhelming love for this baby. I do know that I would have had the same love even if Corbyn was still here. Would I have taken it for granted more? Possibly. Do I now? Nope. I know that Corbyn leaving has made me cherish my children and husband more. I didn't know that was possible, but it certainly is. I wake up every day with such joy to have each of them with me. I go to bed every night in fear that I won't have all of them when I wake up. It's a fear I will always have because that fear as already been realized once for me.
And so the grief journey continues for me. A never ending journey that is an unmarked, but sadly very well traveled path.

What's in a name?

I was asked several times why I chose Corbyn's name by several people. I had people that either hated his name and wouldn't hide it when they would ask me why the name Corbyn, and then there were others that loved his name. I loved it. I thought it is a very masculine name that was good for an adult as well as a child. You know those names that you hear a baby having and all you think of was your grandparents friends or an adult's name that all you can think of is a little child running around instead of an adult? I thought the name Corbyn was neither of those. I never had a good answer as to why I chose that name for him when people would ask me so I would just say that Brock and I liked it. All of my baby's names have just come to me/us. They haven't come from a baby name list or book. With Addyson's name I distinctly remember standing in the grocery line at Macy's pregnant with Addy and the name Addyson Mari just popped into my head. When I asked Brock what he thought he said he liked it. It wasn't until later that I started hearing her name EVERYWHERE! I have thought several times about changing her name, but I never could because I knew that was her name that she was supposed to have. I never looked up the meaning of my children's names to see if they meant anything, so to me that didn't matter. My mother's instinct knew that their names were supposed to be what they are. It wasn't until after Corbyn passed that I my brother sent me the meaning of Corby's name that he found in a book that he was studying. He sent me the picture of the page so that I could read it myself.

When I read it I was brought to tears. I couldn't believe it! I had just got done reading a book called Your Endowment by Mark A. Shields that talked about how the temple was Heaven on earth that those two words are interchangeable. So when I read that Corban was dedicated to the temple it was a reassurance to me that he was meant for Heaven. That he was only my possession for a specified period and that period was only 411 days. It brought comfort to my heart and reassured to me that everything certainly does happen for a reason. I know now that Corby was supposed to be named that more than ever before. Brock was the one that came up with his name as we were sitting in the hospital after having Corby wondering what we were going to call him. We looked at all the baby name lists and nothing stuck with us. Just out of the blue he says to me "What about Corbin but change it to have a 'Y' "? We wanted to have all our babies have a 'Y' in their name. I immediately fell in love with it and knew that was supposed to be his name.
It doesn't stop there with the names though.... After we knew what we were going to name our third baby and we started telling people we got the same thing of people either hating it or loving it. The questions also followed along with hearing his name for the first time of why did we choose that name etc. I dreamt Ledgyr's name and woke up wide awake at 3:30 in the morning one morning knowing what our baby's name was supposed to be. I ran it by Brock and he immediately loved it as well. He asked me where I came up with that and I told him that I dreamt it. He made the comment that all our baby's names have just come to me. We didn't know why we needed to name him Ledgyr other than we liked the name. It too is masculine and works for a child as well as an adult. Plus it wasn't popular like Addy's name is so that was another positive to it. I didn't think to look up the meaning of Ledgyr's name, either, so I never did.
A couple of weeks ago my grandfather passed away and along came the emotions of loss and helplessness flooding back. I had just decorated Corby's grave for Christmas a few days prior, but needed to add his LED lights to his wreaths so I went to his grave with Addy and Ledgyr. We sat there at the cemetery for quite a while just talking about Corby and Grandpa. It breaks my heart that Addy knows about death all too well. I was so beyond emotional and it was comforting to have her there to keep me grounded so to not loose it completely.  My parents were on their way home from the hospital after saying their last goodbyes and stopped at the cemetery as well. My dad and I were talking and I was crying about how unfair death is and I wish that we never had to experience it. Also how much I hated the fact that I had to be at the cemetery at all. That it was always on my mind that I needed to go there and visit because I had my baby there. We started talking about how Ledgyr has been such a great thing for all of us, and I explained to my dad the meaning of a rainbow baby. He thought that was a perfect description for a baby after a loss. He then asked me the question why I named him Ledgyr. My first thought was great he doesn't like it and wants to know why such a special baby got such a dumb name in his book. I told him I didn't know other than I dreamt it. He asked me if I had ever looked up the meaning of ledger. I told him no and all I could think of was a ledger book. He has been in construction for as long as I can remember and there is also a ledger in construction. He told me the construction meaning of a ledger is a support member for other members of the structure. He figured that I chose Ledgyr's name based on the fact that he was brought here to support our family after such a horrendous earthquake that almost crumbled us into a heaping pile of mess.  I was again brought to tears and couldn't believe that there was such an important meaning to another of my child's names. I now know that my Heavenly Father has a hand in everything in our lives all the way down to what our names are. We may never know why we name our children what we do, but I am so grateful I have been able to find out why for two of my children.

Angels among us

Today I have felt a little down and really not wanting to talk with people and act like I’m ok. It’s been a hard last couple of days. On Thanksgiving I didn’t want to even get out of bed. I didn’t want to be around people and act like I was so thankful. I had one thought that consumed every other thought in my head that day and that was that I didn't have my son with me to enjoy this holiday. It wasn’t before noon that I finally got out of bed. I figured I needed to since we were at Brock’s grandparents house that live in Idaho, but every emotion inside of me was making it really hard and I really didn’t want to. I spent the entire day looking at pictures and videos of Corby. There is one video that is of him laughing and I kept playing it over and over again closing my eyes wishing that giggle was out in the living room playing with his sister and cousins. 

The rest of the week was ok and I was able to be stronger. It helped quite a bit to talk with Brock’s grandma Cordingley since she too has lost one of her children. I felt like I could connect with her and she understood my pain- my tremendously unbearable heartache. I felt like I could talk with her and she wouldn’t judge me and act like it was a taboo subject let alone was uncomfortable to even bring up Corby’s name. That helped a lot. I started to come down with an illness Sunday and haven’t felt good for a couple of days now. For some reason it has made me feel more sad and depressed. 

Heavenly father knew that I needed some angels today. My morning started out with a good friend that I grew up with text me out of the blue to let me know that she was thinking about me. The sad part is she too knows of loss. She lost her father very unexpectedly three years ago this Friday, but that didn’t stop her from thinking about my pain. It was good to text back and forth with her and talk about some of my pain with her. Then later another dear friend called seeing how I was. I didn’t answer because I really didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to talk with anyone on the phone so I just let all my calls go to voicemail.  I text her later and told her that I wasn’t up for talking or a visit since I was sick. She understood and asked if I needed anything. I told her I didn’t and she left it at that. Until she text me later telling me to check my front door step. When I opened it up there was a cup of hot chocolate, pizza, doughnuts, and the Ensign opened up to this article. She left a little note saying that article made her think of Corby. She also told me this article was a good one too. I read both of them and soaked them up. It felt good to remember that there are angels among us to help us through our trials. I know that there are spiritual angels as well as earthly angels. My two friends were prompted to contact me today and it wasn’t just a coincidence. They were my angels today.

As I read those two articles the second one stood out to me and helped remind me that my Savior and Heavenly Father are here for me. I will receive answers to my questions as to why Corby left us when the time is right. I love when the article quoted President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's October 2013 conference talk when he said “first doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith”. I needed to remember that. I’m not going to give you a Relief Society lesson on these articles, but I suggest that you read them. They really helped me. I have been doubting a lot about this whole experience and have lost my trust in my Heavenly Father. All I could focus on was how could I trust someone that took my child from me. I lost sight of the bigger picture. I NEED to trust in Him. I NEED to restore my faith in Him. I NEED Him to help me with my pain and problems. There is a question in the article that says “do I trust in God above everyone else?” Because of my medical mind I have put a lot of my trust in the medical experts more than THE expert. I’m mortal. I want to- I need to know why my baby died. The reason of, it’s part of The Plan, has been really hard for me to accept. I’m sure I will always want to know if anything took my baby from me other than just his spirit left his body, but I need to trust in God more than needing to know why. I need to not let it consume my life. My every thought. I know that this journey is an extremely hard one even when I do have His help. I can’t imagine what it would be like without Him at all.  

More days without him than with him

My baby boy has officially been gone longer than he was here on this earth with me. I just realized it tonight as I was driving home from visiting him at his grave. I hate that I have to go to his grave. I hate that I have to go to a cemetery PERIOD. I have had a lot of memories of him pop up recently. There are so many things that Ledgyr does that has brought all those memories of Corby flooding back. Now that I am home on maternity leave I have a lot of time to my thoughts. I would like to say that it’s been healing. I feel like I am spiraling deeper down and moving backwards when it comes to my grief and heartbreak. I have been told several times by numerous people that the heartbreak doesn’t go away, but you learn how to live with it better. I’m not feeling like I’m learning to live with it. I feel the same that I felt a year ago. I used to love the fall season. Now it gives me a lot of anxiety and it makes me feel like I’m going to have an anxiety attack at any moment. It feels like I’m in a small box and very claustrophobic. I can’t look around and see the beauty that I once loved about fall. I look at it and think about how this time of year was the year that my entire life, everything that I knew, fell out from underneath me and  there was no net at the bottom to catch what had fallen. It’s gone forever. I will never be able to have that same life again. I don’t like to leave my house because I have to be reminded what time of year it is by how it looks outside. I keep my blinds and curtains shut for that reason too. I don’t like to watch regular tv either to avoid the seasonal commercials. Either it’s off or Addy watches her cartoons on Netflix. It makes it so that I can go through the day without loosing my mind and being ornery with Addy for no reason. I have noticed that every time we need to leave I get frustrated with Addy for no reason. It has, just today, dawned on me as to why I do that. Just leaving my house gives me anxiety and makes me uneasy knowing what I have to look at when I get outside. I have to look at all the presents and I would be buying, all the clothes I would be picking out for him. All the people with three children living their perfect lives.  

Last night I was looking through my photo albums on Facebook looking for a baby picture of Brock to compare him to Ledgyr. I started to look through all the other albums on my page and some of those consisted of the usual albums that every young married woman has on her page: engagement pictures, bridal pictures, and wedding pictures. I couldn’t help but notice the sparkle that we both had in our eyes. The innocent happiness and us thinking that everything in our lives was perfect. I couldn’t help but think about how that innocent girl had no idea that 7 years later she would be a mother of three children, but only raising two of them on this earth. Never did that young girl think that something as earth shattering as losing a child would ever enter her life in any close proximity what so ever. Now, looking at those pictures, oh how I wish I could have that sparkle back in my eyes. I wish I could see that sparkle in my husbands eyes again. I wish most of all  that sparkle would come back in Addy’s eyes. Her, of all people, shouldn’t know this sort of tragedy at such a young age. 

I am so unbelievably happy and it's written all over my face. People have told me my whole life I smile with my eyes and show my happiness through my eyes. This is a great example. 

Brock even has that sparkle

We are just smiling. Faking it. We should be absolutely delighted that we just found out we were having a boy, but our eyes tell the world that we have underlying sadness in our hearts. That happiness sparkle that should be there isn't.

Addy's sparkle isn't even there. She's just simply smiling for the camera. 

Today, as she was writing her letter to Santa she asked Santa for “two Corby bears for mama to help make her feel better.” She went on asking for one thing for her and then a truck for Corby and toys for baby as well as many other things for other people in her family. She has such a tender heart by always thinking of others and I can see that Corby is on her mind constantly as well. 

When I told her that we were going to visit Corby I was half expecting her to get excited thinking that we were going to actually see him as she has done several other times in the past. She got excited, but she knew that we were going to visit his grave and not him physically. It made my heart ache when she got excited, but then said “mama when we go visit Corby’s grave can we play at the playground there?” I didn’t say that we were going to his grave, but just to see him. I hate that she knows what it means to go visit Corby now. She has lost that hope that he is coming back to her some day. It hurts so much to see that hope lost. I couldn’t protect Corbyn that night from death, and I can’t protect Addy from such excruciating heartache. I can’t help but feel like this is how our Savior feels about us as well. He understands the plan and can see everything happening, but he still can’t protect us from such heartache and pain. He can help ease it once tragedy does strike, but that is all he can do is ease the pain. With his heart aching just as much as ours for us. I wish I could take Addy’s pain away from her. I wish, more than anything, I could have this pain taken away completely from me, but my hope for that has been lost. I now find ways to ease through my grief by, what my grief counselor calls, grief work. One of those ways is writing. Writing out my pain and frustration for anyone that wants to read. I find this to work quite well because I can get it all out and I don’t have to have anyone interrupt my thoughts to try and offer advice. From what I have seen so far in this grief journey is that every griever want’s to talk. They NEED to talk. They don’t need to listen the majority of the time. Advice generally isn’t necessary unless it’s asked for. We usually need to just get this mess and frustration off our chest. I’m not saying that I don’t like talking with people. I do. It is good to talk with physical people as well. Sometimes, though, being able to just write and let everything spill out at once feels good too. I also feel like I walk a thin line talking about my pain with people now. Not a lot of people understand that this isn’t something you get over, and you will always need to talk about it. So I don’t like to bring it up in fear that people are going to think “not again” or “how can I get out of this conversation”. 

This time of year is hard for all of us in the grieving club. It’s a reminder of the family that isn’t here to celebrate the holidays that are celebrated with the ones they love. It’s a reminder of all the presents they won’t be buying. A time of year when they have to think really hard about all the things they are grateful for when all they have on their mind is that one family member that isn’t here to be thankful for. I challenge you to go ask a griever sincerely how they are doing. I don’t mean just walk up to them and ask them how they are. We have learned that most of the time when someone asks us that they are just trying to be polite and really don’t want to have us pour our heart out to them so we just reply that we are “good” or “ok”. Sincerely ask them how they are handling this season with their loved one gone. Ask them what they are finding to do that helps them through this time of year. Let them talk about their broken heart if they want. Even a simple letting them know you are remembering their loved on during this time of year can do wonders. You may be surprised what you learn from a griever don’t be afraid to open up and find out. We don’t bite and we aren’t contagious.