Day 24 – CHOOSE YOUR BREATH

Day 24 – CHOOSE YOUR BREATH

Conscious grief work is so important if you want to create a beautiful life after loss. Have you ever sat down and really thought about where you are in your grief journey? Have you ever paid attention to your inner thought patterns? Are you stuck? Are you comfortable? Are you peaceful, angry, frustrated, hopeful? What are you feeling? Why are you feeling that way? Where do you want to go next? How will you get to that place? Are there any changes you could make in your life that would benefit your grief journey? When you start exploringthe landscape of your own mind you begin to become aware of your thought patterns and you get to understand your grief more.  Share your own grief discoveries. Do you feel hopeful for your future? Do you believe that grief and healing can co-exist?

Somewhere inside of me I believe that grief and healing can exist. As of right now I'm not sure how. I'm only two years into this journey and I am working very hard to try and find some healing. Some days I can go about my day and function. Other days it takes everything in me to remember to put on a happy face. 

I have thought about where I'm at in my grief journey. I'm still raw. It's still new to me. It still hurts just as much as it did the day it happened. I don't let everyone know all of this because I already am getting the eye rolls and the unfollowing of friends on Facebook that have passed judgment that I should have moved on by now. It's obvious who those people are and they are the people that make the bereaved stay silent and not want to talk about it. 

I feel like my inner thought patterns are in a healthy place. I don't spend sleepless nights awake wondering "what if's" anymore. Most days I don't wonder if somehow I missed something about him that could have caught him from passing away. The one thought that I still have a hard time with is if his flu shot had anything to do with it. I'm nervous for me to get my flu shot that is mandatory for my work. I'm not scared of passing away. In fact, I would welcome it. I'm scared that somehow it's going to affect Ledgyr because I'm breastfeeding him. With my medical knowledge my mind says that he will be fine. My mind also said that Corby would be too and I was protecting him from getting the flu and dying from that. Now I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm stuck there. I'm not sure how long I'll be there, but for now I'm not trying to force myself. 

My roller coaster is still very up and down. I will have days of peace and then other days of a lot of anger and frustration. I don't expect to be in an only peaceful state right now or any time soon. I don't have a lot of expectations because there is so much change all the time. I ride the wave and will let it take me to shore. 

Where do I want to be? I would like to be in a place that when I think about my son I smile and feel happy. I want to talk about his memories and not cry every time. I know that won't happen tomorrow nor do I expect it to. 

I have an entire lifetime to pave the way on my journey. I'm not in a rush and people that think I should be aren't worth my energy to keep them in my life. I hope they never have to understand because the only way they will is by experiencing a loss themselves. I don't ever wish that on my worst enemy, but for me I need to change that in my life to help me. I need to not feel like I'm constantly being judged on how I'm grieving. 

There was a post that I didn't get to writing due to it being on Ledgyr's birthday that was about secondary losses. I thought about any secondary losses and I have lost people in my life who before losing Corby were in my life. One bit of advice that my grief counselor gave me was to not waste my precious energy on trying to keep someone in my life that isn't making an effort to stay there. I need to focus my energy to keep me afloat. It is a loss to lose them, but I have also gained a lot of wonderful people in my life who understand or try really hard to try to understand. I've come to understand that is merely part of my journey and I can't focus on only that if I want to move in the right direction. 

Day 23 – LOVE LETTER

Day 23 – LOVE LETTER

 Today take some time to write a love letter. This letter can be written to anyone you like. Maybe it is a letter to yourself, a letter to a friend or family member. It could be a letter to your children or maybe an open letter to other bereaved people guiding them towards healing and beauty. Be as creative as you please.

To my children,

I have dreamt about each of you from the time I was a child myself. I have always wanted to be a mother. I remember holding a fake baby and laying it on my shoulder walking around and letting it "sleep" for so long that my low back started to hurt.  I loved taking care of my cousins that were babies. When your daddy and I got married I was so excited to be taking all the steps in my life to be bringing you into this world. I knew I needed to finish my schooling, but I wanted you so bad. I dreamt about being a mother of my own children all the time. When I had each of you I couldn't  believe how fiercely my love was for each of you. It only grew as the days passed that I had the opportunity to raise you. 

Addyson, you have been such a sunshine in our lives. You make me laugh every day. You have such a sweet little tender heart too. Your feelings get hurt so easily, but yet you show no fear. You will light up a room and make everyone laugh with being silly or some kind of joke. 

Corbyn, my angel, you were my angel baby even before you passed. You were such a good baby. You loved everyone and had this perfect glow about you. I have had the most intense love for you the minute I found out I was pregnant with you. I felt like I had to protect you. Like I already knew that something was going to happen to you and I needed to prevent it. You were my cuddle guy. If I or someone else wanted to cuddle you they could and you would stay right there. You showed your love for your mama through giving me kisses. From a very young age you would grab my face and pull it towards you and give "kisses". You only would give me kisses, but I loved it. The day you left shattered me. The intense love that I had for you my grief mirrored it. The intense longing I have for you is indescribable. I understand why you were always so quick to hit your milestones. You had things to do and see that you couldn't stay put. I love you so much!

Ledgyr, my rainbow, my support. You have such a special job on this earth and you are living up to every bit of it. You truly are a rainbow after the storm. Your eyes are almost black, but yet they sparkle with beauty and happiness. You hate to see anyone sad and will try to see what's wrong. I was crying on the floor in the laundry room last week- you found me and knew just what to do to make me smile. You are your own person, but yet you have so many similarities as your brother. You came into this world at the perfect time. Just 5 hours short of your brother's angel day. It has been a blessing for me to focus on something good instead of reliving the 18th over and over again. I'm grateful for your little body and joyful spirit that you bring to our home. 

I know that I would not be the woman I am today if it weren't for my three children. They have made me become a better mother, sister, daughter, and friend. I'm forever grateful to my Heavenly Father for allowing me the opportunity to raise some of his choicest spirits. My grief has made me realize that more. It has made me be compassionate and understanding of people. My grief has molded me into someone I didn't think I could become. 

Day 22 – DREAMS + RITUALS

Day 22 – DREAMS + RITUALS Do you have any dreams for your future? DO you dream of your children? Do you have any grief rituals? What do you do on your children’s birthdays, anniversaries or special dates.

I am always trying to think of ways to celebrate/remember Corbyn's days. Having just had both and it being the second year it still feels like I have no idea what I'm doing, or what I'm wanting.  This year I baked him a Spider-Man cake and we went to his grave and celebrated with him. 

We went and got chicken nuggets and fries since that was one of his favorite food. 

We colored with chalk on the road that's  right next to his grave. 

Then we wrote messages on balloons and released them to Heaven.

For his angelversary I made royal blue cupcakes. 

Then wrote on royal blue balloons and sent them to Corby in Heaven. 

As far as dreams go I haven't dreamt about Corby since right after he passed. The first dream I had of him was of him giving me kisses like he used to all the time. It felt so real like it was really happening. I felt like I could really feel him on my lips. I feel like that was him telling his mama goodbye and that he was OK. The second dream I had was Jesus was giving him back to me. I remember how happy I was in that dream. Then I woke up and my nightmare began again. I, now, daydream about that feeling and dream about the day that I do get my son back again. To raise him just where I left off. I feel like that was Jesus telling me that during that dream. That I will get my son back. Just not in my timing.

I wish Corby would come visit me more, but for now I hold onto the dreams I have gotten.  

Day 21 – SACRED SPACE

Day 21 – SACRED SPACE 

Do you have a special place that you visit to “be” with your children? A place that you feel connected to? Maybe it is their grave, or a beautiful garden, beach or forest. Maybe it is a special spot dedicated to them in your home, like a shrine or altar. What does this place mean to you? Why that place? If you haven’t got a sacred place that you visit to remember your children, maybe have a think about finding a beautiful place that you can visit to remember them. Or maybe you could create one in your home. It is never too late to do this. Having a sacred space for you to visit to just be, is wonderful for your soul. It gives you some time out to just allow yourself to calm your heart and reconnect with the love that you have for your children. Once you find a space, put on some beautiful music, make yourself a cup of tea and light a candle and clear the space so it is clean and new. Think about what you would like to place on your altar. Some ideas are fresh flowers, a candle, photographs, pieces of paper with your favourite quotes of poetry. An ornament that represents your child. Some people place pieces of Earth on their altars such as seashells, feathers or crystals. People of faith usually place small statues of their spiritual teachers such as Jesus, Mother Mary, Buddha etc. The beauty about your altar is that you can make it whatever you desire and it will grow, change and evolve over time. It a lovely idea to keep a photographic record of how it changes with your grief and life experience. I light a candle or some incense every morning and every night on my altar. It gives me a beautiful space to reflect, pray, meditate or just a moment to set a new intention for my day. 

The one sacred place that I really felt as sacred before we moved to our new home was the last place that I set my son as I performed CPR on him. I remember going back to our home to grab something that I needed for my half marathon the week after Corbyn passed. We were staying with my parents because it was too hard to go home to the emptiness. I remember standing there on that spot staring into his empty crib and I felt him so close to me like he was wrapping his arms around me. The forensics people took everything out of his crib for forensic evidence so it was just the mattress. The stain where the liquid from his lungs that were breaking down still stained the part of the mattress where his face was as he laid face down.  I put my hands on the edge of his crib and there was this unbelievable energy that flowed through me. 

Now that we have moved into a new house all I have left of that sacred place is his crib. It's still set up and frequently I will go and put my hand on the edge of his crib and just stare into his it. I have since put some blankets it there that were his that weren't taken that night. I finally had enough courage to go and pick up his stuff from the police department, but I have yet to open the evidence bags. I'm afraid of the emotions it will bring. It was emotional enough for the lady to have to go through the lists that were attached on the outside of each bag so that I could "check them out". She kept asking me if I needed to have her put them back and I could come back another day. I, unbelievably, made it through and took his things home. I would like to make a Corby flower garden and calm sitting area in our backyard once we get that landscaped. I hope that I will be able to make that special and will be able to find some solace when I am sitting there. 

His grave is also sacred to me. People try to tell me that he's not there and that it's just his shell. I have a hard time with that and I don't find comfort in that at all. That shell is what I held day after day for 411 days. That was the shell I nourished with the milk my body produced for 411 days. The shell I kissed for 411 days and so on. So I go to his grave and talk to "his shell". I lie over his grave and cry because that shell is under that dirt I lie on. Therefore, his grave is sacred to me. 

A sacred item I have that is so precious to me is my c-section scar. It's my reminder that I gave birth to my son and he gave me that scar. I will run my finger over it all the time trying to remember that joyful day that I received that scar. Trying to remember what it felt like to hold him for the first time. Some days I can feel it like it was yesterday. Other days I get panicked because I can't remember. 

His clothing that still sits in his dirty clothes bin is sacred, as well. I have barely been able to look in there. His clothing, for that matter, is sacred. People ask me if I want to make a quilt of all of his clothes. I can't. To me it feels like if I cut his clothes up that I'm cutting him up. Maybe some day I'll be ok with it, but for now they all still sit there. Untouched. 

I'm sure I will probably find more and different sacred things, but for now I'm just grasping onto what I can. 

Day 19 – MUSIC

Day 19 – MUSIC In grief we can resonate with music because it communicates the deep emotions we are feeling and cannot put into words. Sometimes there are no words that accurately describe what we are experiencing and that is why I think I find myself so often lost in sounds and melodies. Share some music that enriches your life or reminds you of your children. Is there a story behind that piece of music for you? 

Music has always been soothing to me. I love listening to almost every genera out there, but instrumental-classical type music has been the most soothing to me. The morning after Corby passed I remember pulling out my phone to turn on music to help calm me down. That day I turned on music by an artist named Hilary Weeks. It's more religious type music, but that was what I needed. I needed to have someone else tell me that my son was in Heaven. To speak to my broken soul. To help me know that my son was OK and happy. I have always believed that after death that there was Heaven, but I began to have a lot of doubts after my whole world came crashing down around me. Everything that I knew suddenly changed without any warning. Everything I had faith in had just failed me. 

Now whenever I feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack or  feel uneasy I will turn on some kind of soothing music. The majority of the time I can close my eyes and focus more on the music than what's going on with me. 

Corby also loved to dance to music whenever it would come on. His favorite, though, was the intro music to Bo On The Go. He would wave his little hand in the air and bounce up and down when ever the show would come on. I loved watching him do it and I have several videos of him dancing to it. When he first passed I didn't want Addy to turn on the show and watch it because it was too hard for me to even listen to it. Now I'm OK with it and, for the most part, it will bring happy memories of my little guy dancing to it. I tried, just the other day, to turn it on for Ledgyr and see of he reacted the same way to it. He didn't want to have anything to do with it. Now I know that it was a favorite of just Corby's and not just because it was a catchy tune that every baby would dance to. 

I miss watching him and all his little dances. He was such a silly little boy! I would like to, some day, incorporate Bo On The Go into honoring Corby somehow. I've thought about donating copies of it to a library with a little insert talking about Corby and how he love it, but I'm not quite sure exactly what to do. One day the perfect idea will come to me. For now that's just our family's little memory or our Corby.