Day 10-Words

Day 10 – WORDS Writing is a wonderful tool for healing. When you put your pen to paper you may have no idea where you are going or where you will end up and that is the beauty of it. It is your own adventure. Find some time today to write by hand. You can write about whatever is on your heart right now. It gives you the chance to write down anything that you need to release. Do you have a poem inside you or a short story that is waiting to come out? Maybe it is just one word, that needs to be written over and over and over. Whatever it is, write as little or as much as you need to. If you cannot find the words today, you can always share something from someone else, like a quote or poem, just be sure to credit the author.

I have found writing as a way to help me release my grief. I have always written my children to tell them about their little lives. I started an email for each of them when I was pregnant with them and would write to them. After Corby passed I didn't want to stop writing to him. Now I will write to him to just talk to him. To tell him my deepest frustrations, fears, and sadness. I am really not in the mood to write something tonight so I decided I would see if going back and reading some emails that I wrote to him would help me to want to write him. It didn't. Instead I think I will share what I wrote him on one of the days. It was the first day that Brock and I visited his grave since his funeral. It's a bit of a run on of words, but when I write him I focus on what needs to be written and not proper english- so bear with me on this one. 

11/11/2013

Today was a day I never thought I would be doing at such a young age. I'm sure that I'm going to have a lot more of those firsts though. Daddy and I went and visited you at your grave today. Your flowers were still on your grave, and a lot of them were still alive. You were feeding the bees with your flowers. Which is just like you to be doing something for someone or something else. I think about what you are doing in Heaven, and I know that you are one of the strongest and best missionaries up there because of how you were here on earth. 

Last night I finally broke down and got angry and cried more than I even cried the night you left us. I got angry with how Heavenly father took you the day he did. I got angry because I still don't understand how you truly died. I wish that I knew if you had a seizure and suffocated because you were face down or if it is how the thoughts in my head have happened. I'm terrified of the fact if it was from a seizure due to the flu shot if I could handle that. I don't know if I still with your future siblings will get them vaccinated. I hate the fact that you had to go. I'm not mad a Heavenly father because I know that it was meant to be, but I'm mad at the timing of when you went. I was enjoying this stage of you so much. I feel so close to you. More that I feel with your sissy for some reason. I feel like I have always felt closer with you since the day that you were born. I fear that I won't feel that with any of your other siblings either. I fear that Heavenly father isn't done taking my babies from me. Along with many other angers a fears. I finally verbalized all of this with your dad, Bishop Perry, and brother Waterfall and it felt good to talk about it. They gave me a blessing and I have felt a lot better since then. I can't imagine how I'm going to be able to live my whole life with out you. I miss you beyond comprehension. I ache all the time. I'm sad all the time, and feel so empty inside. I'm so thankful that I have your sister to keep me from being completely depressed and hopeless. 

I look at all the most recent pictures that I or dadda took of you and I ache all over because I remember being there and taking the picture of you. I remember the feeling I felt when I took the pictures or while I was watching dadda take the pictures of you. I remember feeling so beyond happy, blessed and in love with you I am. I don't know how to express how much I miss you. I remember when I would write to you before I would try to refrain from saying "I can't wait". Like I can't wait to see you walking, or all grown up etc because I could wait for all of that I wanted to enjoy every stage of you and not wish any of it away. Now, though, I can't wait 'til I see you again. I can't wait to finish raising you in the millennium. I can't wait 'til you and your sister can be together again. She misses you so much. I ache for her aching. I can't wait for your daddy to teach you baseball. I'm so excited to be able to raise you and be able to do it with only pure happiness and no worry. I hate how slow the days go by because I know that when another day goes by that I am that much closer to seeing you again. I keep wishing that I can at least dream about you, but all I dream about is grieving about you, and all of my fears. I want to for a little bit get rid this nightmare that I am living, but I don't seem to be able to. I hate it. I can officially say that because it is beyond true. I hate that I have to go through this. I hate that I am not the one providing the comfort to someone else, but the one that everyone else is providing the comfort to. I hate fearing that I will forget about you and how you laugh, or say mama, or your little grunts. I wish that I would have been able to get you saying mama on video so that I could always have that. That is a huge regret I have. I wish I would have gotten more recent professional family pictures. There are so many things that I wish that I would have done and when I think about them my aching hurts a little more. I want this aching to stop. I want it to all go away and for me to be holding you in my arms. I love you so much my guy. You are my everything. Please pleas come visit me in my dream and say mamma to me frequently so that I don't forget. 

Love, 

Your only Mama   

I have never gone back and read what I wrote him those first days after his passing. Today, as I have been doing that it's amazing to me how much of a blur I was in. I don't remember 90% of what I wrote  in these emails. Brock and I talk about how we can't even recall certain big events ever happening during those first months. 

I also ache remembering the rawness of my soul. I still feel raw, and sometimes I feel worse because I am raw and not in my cloudy state of shock still. I wish some days I can go back because I wasn't so far away from seeing him alive back then. Now I'm beginning to forget memories and how he felt physically in my arms. However, I am now closer to seeing him again in the after life than I was back then. 

Day 9 -Family

Day 9 – FAMILY – What does your family look like today? Who is your family to you? What do they mean to you? 

What does my family look like today? Incomplete. It will forever and always look incomplete because we will always be missing a child. I hate taking pictures of all of us together because it is one more silent reminder that my son is not here with me. When we know that there is a family picture we will prepare and bring our Corby bear with us, but if one is sprung on us then I try to avoid it being taken. 

I'm ok with having pictures taken of us individually but not all of us together. We had the bear made out of one of Corby's blankets, but not everyone knows that is what the bear represents so we also choose to have pictures taken with his actual picture. When people see that family picture they aren't sure what to say.

 

The family picture that represents us the best now is this one.

​It shows that Corby is still in our family, but not fully with us. 

Who is my family to me? They are my everything. They are the air that I need to survive. They are each their unique selves that make me whole as a wife and mother. Each member of my family in their own way makes us a complete family. They are the beauty in my life. Without them I am not me. I no longer am a mother to three children or a wife to a wonderful man.

What do they mean to me? More than I can ever express in words. I live because of them. I wake up each day because of them. I miss my son so much because of how much I loved and adored him. I feel like I'm not completely living because he's not here. I need my family. I need my son. My family will forever feel empty. I will forever have the feeling that I am missing a child. I am grateful for my faith and knowing that I will be with my son again. 

This picture depicts that very well.

I am grateful for eternal families and I can hold onto that piece to help me make it through this journey until I am with my son again.

Day 8 Wish List

Day 8 – WISH LIST What are your wishes for this grief journey? What do you need from others? It might be that you want your child to always be remembered. You may wish to educate others on grief and healing. Maybe your wish is to turn this tragedy into something beautiful. Spend some time thinking about what it is that you hope to be able to do, learn or gain from this experience.

I have such a long wish list as I'm sure every grieving mother does. The list probably only minutely changes because we all want our children and what is best for them.  Of course, just like every mother out there that has lost a child my biggest wish is for it to all be different. I wish that I could cuddle and give my baby kisses. I wish that it wasn't His plan to take Corby back so soon. I wish that I would have never gotten him his flu shot. Then I would know for sure it had nothing to do with his passing. I wish that Addy still had her playmate. I wish I could feel him giving me his kisses again. I wish he would come visit me. I wish that I was able to watch my baby grow up, get married and have children of his own.  I wish I were on a different path. I wish I put three kids to bed tonight. Those are all wishes that, because of reality, I know aren't feasible. 

So, now, the things I wish for are things that can really happen. I wish that my baby is NEVER forgotten. That people will always remember there is one more body to our family than what is seen. I wish that people will learn of Corby and his story and want to be better because of him. I wish that he will change the love of a father or mother towards their children so that they will love them more and not take them for granted. I wish that Corby's story will be heard all over the world to bring awareness to SUDC as well as to just get to know my perfect baby boy. I wish I knew why my son had to leave. I wish that I knew how he ultimately died. I wish that people would realize that I'm NEVER going to get over the death of my son. I will always want to think about him, and say his name, but most of all talk about him like he still matters. I wish that people would bring him up like he matters too.  I wish that people would be ok with me talking about him and not get uncomfortable. I wish that grief wasn't something to hide from and that everyone would be open and ok with it. I wish that when I talk about triggers that still make me anxious or sad that people would respond with more than just an "oh", or worse, not say anything at all. I wish that he wasn't forgotten during the holidays and that he was treated just like the rest of the children that are still here. I wish that people would just talk with me instead of feeling like they need to give me some kind of advice about my situation by what I could look at differently or be doing better. I wish that I could honor Corby in the perfect way to reflect how perfect and amazing he was. 

I will continue living each day to fulfill my feasible wishes because I still will live every day of my life for my children. Including the ones not seen or heard. 

Day 7 Memory

When I decided to do this project I also asked in anyone in the SUDC group wanted to join me. Some people expressed interest so I have been the one that has sent out the email to everyone of that day's project. I send it out the night before for me since there are people in the group that are clear across the world and have already started their new day. Last night as I prepared the email to send off, and I saw that it was a memory today I thought "oh this is for sure going to be an easy one" after I started pondering on which memory I wanted to share the most I realized this is one of the hardest tasks yet. There are so many memories that I have of my boy that are so precious to me. I'm not quite sure if I have a favorite. He was such a sweet little boy with the cutest little personality. Because I can't choose just one memory I'm going to share a few that came to mind first. Most of them are memories close to around when he passed. 

 

His little giggle was so infectious. I miss hearing it so much. I had just got done working out and was sitting on the ground stretching when Corby climbed up in his swing by himself. I found a ball on the floor and started playing "catch" with him and he thought it was the funniest thing in the world.  

He loved food so much! I called him my little calorie stealer. He was so in tune with when food was around that he would wake up out of a dead sleep if he heard the microwave open and shut. 

He loved to play on the makeshift slide their dada would make them. He loved anything that involved playing with his sissy.

This was taken just hours before he passed away. I have this memory because I remember his outfit I dressed him in that morning. I loved him in that orange shirt. This also reminds me of the memory of his face as I said bye to him for the last time before I walked out the door to go to work. 

I bawled like a baby when he got his first hair cut. He was such a good baby during the whole thing

His snuggles! This particular day he was snuggling me after he woke up before I had to go to work. He was the snuggliest baby and I miss having a baby snuggle into me so much. 

He was a climber! He climbed on anything his little legs could get him on top of. I remember coming out of the kitchen to find him up here somehow. I have no idea how he got up here, but he amazed me all the time with places he was able to climb to.

I remember chasing him around the last Sunday he was alive. That's when this was taken. I feel guilty because I remember thinking I wish this kid would just slow down so I could go back into sacrament meeting. I'm so glad that I was able to chase him around one last time. 

He had the silliest personality! I made me laugh on a daily basis. He had just gotten out of the bath and I was putting lotion on him. I put lotion on his face and rubbed it through his hair and made crazy hair. He immediately started going crazy like he knew what I had done. 

Those beautiful blue eyes! This particular day I mixed cheese in with the ramen. Brock told me about how he did it for the kids and they loved it. He said it tasted like a cheese burger... I'd bed to differ, but the kids loved it. Corby looked so cute. You can't really tell, but he's actually curled up in a ball in his highchair. His knees are up by his elbows with his cute little feet sticking out the leg holes.  I also have the memory of feeding him ramen noodles for lunch as I was cooking dinner before I went to work that last day he was alive. I hope I never forget him "helping" me cook dinner that last time. I made a ham and stuffing crock pot dinner and would give him little pieces of ham as I made everything too. I never was able to taste it, but Brock text me and told me that Corby beyond loved it. I haven't been able to make it since so I still don't know what it tastes like.  I actually still have that last dinner saved in a tupperware in my freezer. It was the last meal that my baby ate and I want to remember that. I don't know when I'll be able to get rid of it. 

That memory is probably the biggest one that I want to hang onto the most. 

The one that I shared with the SUDC parents was this one: 

The one memory that sticks out the most to me is one afternoon I was cuddling Corby to sleep. I was standing beside his crib with his head on my chest and I was rocking back and forth. I remember thinking how much I loved that and I wish that it would never end. I loved listening to his little breaths he would take, and laying my cheek on his soft blonde hair. He melted right into me and was so comfortable laying there. I wish that I could go back and be able to feel his little body laying against mine one last time. 

I have so many more that I could tell you about. Maybe for another day. 

Day 6 - Books

Day 6 – BOOKS So many of us turn to reading in the wake of the death of our children. We take solace in other people’s words, stories, journeys and wisdom. Have you read any books that have helped in this journey of healing after loss? They don’t have to be specifically about the death of a child, just anything that helped you. Share about how they helped you and what you loved about them. You can share books that help grieving children too. Please feel welcome to share links.

I've always liked to read. It always hasn't been something I was able to do with the rigorous schooling I went through and then children followed right after. After Corbyn passed I had several people give me books to read. I found it was a way for them to help without saying anything. That was good because I could then decide privately if the "advice" they had given me was what I needed. I started book after book. None of them seemed to help me with what I needed. One person gave me a book that a mother wrote about her miscarriages. I wanted to set the book on fire and throw it out the window after reading the first chapter. It just wasn't the help I was looking for and it just made me angry. Other books were about people overcoming trials and one was fictional, but seemed very real. After I found out it was all fabricated it made me want to shred it. I decided I would crack open one more book from the stack I received and if that was a fail I was done trying.  It was this one: 

I loved it! It was just what I needed. I connected with it so much and felt like I was the one that wrote my feelings down and was reading them.  I'm sure from my previous posts you realized I am religious. This book helped me when I was angry with God. It helped me reestablish my faith. Most of all it brought about my idea for the Corby baskets that I now give parents that have lost a child. There was so much that this book did for me. It helped me understand my grief a little better and know that what I was feeling was ok. She lost a son, in a very different way, but I felt like I could relate. From the suddenness of her loss to the ER experience. After I finished that book I decided to try my luck again and failed miserably so I gave up altogether. I'm grateful for the book I was able to find. That whole time was a blur for me so I honestly can't remember where they all came from. What I learned from it all was that each grief journey is different and what may work for one won't work for another. I'm grateful for each person that sought out to find that perfect book for me. I know they were showing their love and wanting to help the best they knew how. Maybe one day I'll come across another book that speaks to my soul. Who knows, maybe I'll write my own...