Day 5 – EMPATHY So often in this community of bereaved parents we speak about all the things that friends and family should not say to us. There are countless articles about things never to say to a bereaved parent but not as many on actual things to say to a bereaved parent. If we want to break the silence surrounding baby and child loss we need to communicate our needs of what people can do and say to help. We must educate society on what real empathy is. What does empathy look like for you. What do you wish people would have said to you? How could they have helped you better?
Empathy-that's a word that I never thought the bereaved had to think about with themselves. Usually you think that the outside people are the one's that need to show the empathy. That was all before I became one of those bereaved on the inside of the circle. Not only do the people looking in at the tragedy need to show empathy for what those close to it are going through, but the bereaved need to show empathy for the outsiders as well.
I remember not knowing what to say to a coworker after she lost her son. I didn't know that a simple sorry was perfect. Thankfully I didn't offer any "advice". After Corbyn passed I soon learned that death is awkward for people. They are so concerned to not say the wrong thing that their minds are clouded a lot of the times and they end up putting their foot right in their mouth.
My best friend who isn't married or have any children of her own came to be by my side. She didn't have to say anything she just came and sat with me. If I wanted to talk she would listen. She would hug me and just listen. Another friend came to my aide by bringing a large amount of food. Not a meal just munch food and staple food. He looked up every grief group out there and what he could find and gave me a list. He told me how sorry he was gave me a hug and left. Right before Corby's funeral he asked what he could get for everyone to help them remember Corby. Corby loved goldfish crackers so he went and bought boxes of the individual bags to give out to everyone at the viewing. Another woman in my neighborhood would send simple little messages saying she was thinking of me or drop by random things that she thought would be of service to me. She would ask about Corby. That was the most empathetic thing someone could have ever done for me. I ache for the chance to talk about my boy and she gave me that chance freely.
The people that stick around and still understand my emotional state now almost two years later are also very empathetic. My sister in law is one of those people. She understands that I'm still going to cry when I see her son that is only months younger than Corbyn. She understands that no amount of time will heal my heart. She still worries about me when she sees that I'm anxious and am not sleeping. I have had many many others that have been there by my side and continue to be there for me today. That is what empathy is to me for an outsider's perspective.
To give empathy as the bereaved-I have learned that because people don't know they don't mean any harm. I have learned to be more open with people. That is what they are searching for, anyway, most of the time. People who have not walked our road have no idea. I'm glad they have no idea. They need guidance on what to say or how to act. I hate seeing more emails come across introducing a new member to the SUDC group. I will continue to help open people up to child loss so that hopefully the new parents that join this club will have that empathetic someone to be there for them during their time of need.
