Day 4 Dark and Light

Day 4 – DARK + LIGHT Today we are acknowledging the dark and the light sides of grief. The ugly and the beauty. The bitter and the sweet. The anger and the peace. You might want to write about the moments when everything falls apart or maybe the moments where our eyes are opened to the gifts that this journey has in store for us. Maybe you just want to write about both.

There are so many darks that I focus on that I'm choosing to focus on the light right now. Looking back to before Corbyn passed I feel like I was blinded by what was out there. There was this sorrow, but it only happened in the movies. It didn't happen to real people, let alone me. Now I feel like my eyes have been opened. Because of the journey I have been thrown into I have learned to have more compassion for others as well as a lot more patience. Brock and I chose to fight this together and have become stronger in our marriage because of it. We love each other with a deeper love.  I have learned what truly matters in life and it's not the prettiest home all perfectly decorated or the nicest car. It's about my family.

It's about what I can teach other people about being compassionate and loving thy neighbor as thyself. Since his passing I have had so many wonderful people come into my life that I am so grateful to call true friends and whom I can say I love dearly. I can be grateful for the fact that I don't have to worry about Corbyn. I don't have to fear that he's going to get hurt or get in with the wrong group of friends. I know he's safe where he's at waiting for me. I'm grateful that this has taught me to love without fear. 

Grief is hard. Really hard.  I have done some hard things in my life, but by far grieving over the death of my child has been the hardest, and from what I hear it will be the hardest I will ever have to go through. I am grateful that my eyes have been opened, though. My faith has been strengthened and I have come to learn that I'm not in control. My testimony of my Savior has increased a hundred fold. He has shown me that I'm not alone and never will be. He is merciful and loves me and wants to help me. 

Today I choose light. I choose light for Corbyn because he is my light. I choose light for my other children because they shouldn't have to live in darkness when that's not what their brother would want. 

 I know that grief is a roller coaster and I'm going to have a lot of downs still, but I know that the roller coaster will continue to go on and after the down there will be another up and I choose to embrace the ups more than the downs. I expect that I'm soon to have a down and just like all the rest of my downs I have had I will make it through to see the other side.

 Don't get me wrong I'm not "healed" or "over it". I'm far from it and I know I will NEVER get there because it's impossible. I'm still shattered and broken, but today I choose to use my shattered pieces as a prism  for the light to show some beauty from the tragedy.