Day 1-Sunrise

Day 1 – SUNRISE Let us celebrate the beginning of this healing month by waking up early to watch the sunrise wherever we in the world. This will be a beautifully, poignant way for us all to feel connected and energized for the month ahead. When you go outside to watch the sunrise this morning, don’t just snap a picture and upload it right there on the spot. Make yourself a nice cup of tea and sit down to breathe in the fresh air, the scent of the new morning and all of the colours and sounds as they transform around you. Take some time to breathe the sunrise in.  Spend some time reflecting upon your children and your journey so far. If there is no visible sunrise in your part of the world because of the weather, that is okay, this is life and nature, and it really doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you take the time out of your day to be with us all in spirit and make space for a new beginning. Take a photo of your surroundings, no matter what the weather is like, don’t visit google to use a more pretty sunrise picture. This is about you and the place where you are right now. If you share your photo online make sure you write what State/Country you are in and the time of the sunrise. You can google the sunrise time in your part of the world and set your alarm if you are a sleepy head like me. Send some love out to everyone else in the world who is grieving the death of a child and remember those gone before us who were made to grieve in silence. We honor these people too.

My mornings usually start quite early due to my work. I have the blessing to be able to choose my hours that I work. I want to make sure that I am away from my children as least as possible so I wake up between 2:30-3:00 in the morning and am out the door by 3:30. I have a 45 minute drive so I have some time to reflect while I drive to work. This morning I did a lot of reflecting-mostly about the sunrise and what it symbolizes for me now. It is something that is constant in my life. I always know that there will be a sunrise and a sunset. The sunrise symbolizes the starting of something new. A new day. It's a promise to me that if the sun can rise every day I too can rise every day. I need to be that promise to my children and husband. I need to be that promise to my son. I know that he does not want me to give up because he is not here on earth with me anymore. 

When Corbyn passed it was at night and I found him after I got off shift around 12:45 (I worked a different job and my shift  was evenings at the time) We didn't leave the ER after we were told the worst news any parent dreads to hear for several hours. It was around 3 in the morning when we finally left his lifeless body all alone on that bed in the ER. Wrapped up to try and keep the little bit warmth he still had left in his body. He looked like he was peacefully sleeping. 

I remember walking out of the ER doors and smelling the start of a new day. The sun hadn't rose yet, but the fresh smell was already there. The shallow breaths I was able to take allowed me to be able to still smell of the freshness. We couldn't go home to a house that was torn apart by the crime scene people, nor to the emptiness of it. So we opted to go to my parents house. When we arrived there we looked at pictures and movies of our baby and wished more than anything that it was all so different. We wished for our miracle. I cried and cried until I was past the point of exhaustion. Brock and I decided we would go lay down and try to get some sleep. I took a sleeping pill so that I could at least fall asleep. We slept for about 3 hours. By that time the sun had risen. I remember lying there in bed looking out at the new day. It was a beautiful fall morning. I remember feeling of that promise as I stared out that window. I remember feeling raw and scared, but I remember feeling him close. I remember the love of my Savior and him holding me. I remember saying to Brock how much I already miss my baby as I stared out that window. 

So to me, the sunrise is a promise that of all the things that are chaotic in my life I can always trust in that. It brings a new beginning for me to remember to be the best mother that I can, but also to remember the sunshine of a life my son was to me. 

Here are some pictures of the sunrise I watched for several minutes this morning from work. As I sat there reflecting on the sunrise I related it to my healing. A sun doesn't just pop up out of the sky and is there. It takes time. It's a slow rising process. That is what I have to remember with my grief. It is a slow process and I don't just pop back and am just fine one day. It takes time. A LOT of time. I'm ok with that. If in the end I emerge with beauty and brilliance like the sunrise is each morning then I'm ok waiting out the process.