Don’t not talk about him

I have run into quite a few people, especially since I work in a hospital, which knows about my situation and can see that I am obviously upset, but will completely avoid the subject. That hurts more than if they were to bring up my baby boy when I was having a “good” day. Let me rephrase that, it never hurts me to bring up my baby boy whether a good day or bad and to ask how I’m doing. No matter the time or the day I still cry. I cry ALL the time. So whether you bring him up and I cry, or smile, it still makes me feel good that he is being remembered. I try and talk about him every day to whoever will listen to me. I probably make a lot of people feel uncomfortable and sad because I bring him up, but I don’t care. It helps me to talk about it. When I do talk to the person I probably cry the whole time because that’s just what I do, but that doesn’t mean that they or I have ruined my day. I, most of the time, feel relief after bawling my eyes out to a complete stranger. Yes, weird, I know, but for me that works. Like I have said before, people all grieve in different ways. Me, I guess I grieve by making other people feel awkward, but that doesn’t make me feel bad about this at all. That person will go on living their lives without carrying around the pain that I have to carry around every single second of my life. So for a second if I can share a molecule of my pain with someone else to help me feel better I’m going to do that. I’m not crazy, though, I don’t walk up to complete strangers in the hall or streets and say “did you know I had a child die?” It’s always because that other person asks about my children, or if I have one or the other gender children. I will NEVER say that I only have one child or that I just have a little girl and one on the way. I DON’T and I never will just talk about my children living on this earth. My baby boy is my pride and joy, and I want everyone to know that.

Here is some advice to people that don’t know the pain, but also some words to those that know exactly what I’m talking about, unfortunately.

1. Please ask the grieving person sincerely how they are doing. Talk with them about memories of their loved one, or ask about some memories that they can tell you about their loved one. I bet you that you will make them cry, but I also bet you that you will make their day by remembering the loved one that has passed on. If they, by chance, say they really don’t want to talk about it then fine you can move on with your day without carrying some of the pain that person is carrying. No harm to you.

We will all have bad days and REALLY bad days, and that will never end whether it’s five months, five years, or 25 years. The pain never goes away. I have heard this so many times from so many people with the pain of death in their hearts. Let me tell you at the five month mark I already hate this constant ache and pain that I have. I am not looking forward to the next 25+ years without my baby boy and all the painful days ahead of me. The grief will always be there so don’t ask if I’m over it yet. I never will be.

2. Don’t ask other people how I’m doing because it seems to you that I should be getting “better” by now. They have no idea how I’m really doing, and how is that going to help me to know that people are thinking about me and my baby if you don’t ask or tell me yourself. Yes, I will most likely cry, but don’t feel bad that you made me cry. I would have probably gone into an empty dark room later that day and cried by myself anyway. So sometimes it helps to cry with someone rather than alone.

3. Grieving people aren’t some disease. They are regular human beings too. They may be slightly more fragile than the next person, but that’s ok. This does not mean avoid the disease so you don’t catch it too. Just talk with them. Don’t give them advice- that usually doesn’t help. Let them do the talking. Even if the only thing that comes out of your mouth is “I’ve been thinking a lot about you and your angel how are you doing?” That’s ok. Let them tell you about it. Ask them questions. Even if they are questions like “what are some things you are doing to remember your angel?” One thing you don’t ask them is “What happened?” Yes, I know you are dying to know, but try and find out from someone else. Going straight to the source on this one is NOT the best. They already live the tragedy over and over in their head. They don’t need to keep telling it out loud over and over again.

4. Don’t keep things from them that you think will hurt them. If you would have told them before any of this happened then you should find the right time to tell them even after their tragedy. If I am not ready for something then I will tell the person that I am happy for them and when the time is right I will excuse myself from the room. You can never know what triggers a grieving person so just treat them normal and let them process it how they want. They have all their energy being used up on their grieving they are not going to be mad at you for some good news you tell them about you. Jealousy? Yes they may be jealous, but that comes with normal grieving and you can’t help that. You can help hurting their feelings by keeping something from them or keeping them from something or somebody. If you’re honest with them they will be honest with you. One thing that a grieving person is, is honest. Something my grief counselor told me is that I don’t have enough energy to grieve as well as make sure that I’m not hurting other people’s feelings. No, I am not going around calling people names, or being rude to them. I will tell someone that I really don’t have the energy to talk about that right now, or that I can’t handle that right now. She said that if that offends someone then that is their problem that they are offended by something as little as that, and you probably wouldn’t have the energy to deal with someone like that anyway. I completely agree with her. I know that doesn’t mean that grieving people have a free ticket to be major jerks. Every grieving person knows that already. They don’t have the energy to be a jerk. Their hearts are so tender and torn up anyway, they won’t have much to be rude or mean about.    

So pretty much know that we are fragile and very tender, and you can proceed with caution, but please, please don’t avoid us or our angels.  You never know, you might find out some interesting stuff about this grief club that we have all been signed up for against our will. 

Today last year

This time right now last year we were headed to a wedding for one of Brock’s cousins. I remember it so vividly. I had both children in tow and my mother in law was in the car with us so I had the blessing to sit in the back of the car with my two babies. I will never forget that car ride. I remember looking at Corbyn since he was still backwards facing due to his age and feeling so much happiness and joy to be a mother and to be a mother to my two beautiful babies as I was also listening to Addy jabber on the other side of me. I felt complete. I had just got done running earlier that day over 10 miles as we were training for our first half marathon and I was on such a high. I specifically remember staring into Corby’s eyes and amazed by the light and sparkle he had. I could see that my baby was so happy. I could see the love in his eyes. I touched his face and told him how beautiful he was and that I loved him so very much. That is one thing that I learned early on was to never miss a chance to tell my children that I love them. Even if they didn’t realize how much I loved them I still wanted them to hear that their mother loves them. Now more than ever have I realized how important that is. I, even, tell my unborn child that I love him on a daily basis, and I mean it. I don’t say it like a chore. I feel it deep down inside of me. I don’t know how other people love, but my love is not by any means on the surface. I love deeply and passionately. I feel that is why I feel so completely broken and shattered from the inside. I wasn’t someone that felt they physically couldn’t get out of bed or that I couldn’t walk another step after Corbyn passed. Physically on the outside I have felt like I always have. The inside of me is what is broken to the core and I am terrified because I don’t know how to fix me on the inside. People will look at me and think that I am fine. Think that I am strong. Again that is the outside that they see. They can’t look at the inner me and see the pain and sadness that I carry with me every second of every day longing to feel complete again. Longing to feel that innocent happiness that I once felt. I smile hoping that some of that will seep in to my core. It never does, but I still do it anyway because people now think that I should be over this and moving on. I should be happy that I am pregnant with another little boy that will comfort me and make me happy. I am very happy that I have the blessing to have another boy, but in no way will he ever take away the pain that I feel for Corbyn. It’s the same as if Corbyn were still here. Would I be replacing some of my love and worry that I have for Corbyn to give it to Ledgyr? Nope. I just gain more love and more worry for another baby. That love and worry for my other children still stays. It still stays after one of my children has passed as well. Will he make is so that my arms won’t feel as empty? Yes he will. Completely full? Not even close. I still have that empty hole that will never be filled no matter how many children that I have. 

I can’t believe that he has only been gone a year. It doesn’t feel like last year at this time that he was here in my arms. It feels like an entire lifetime. His memories seem so distant, and I fear that I am starting to forget them. I think about this time last year and wish so much that I could go back and live up to that point with my babies over and over again. I hate what is coming in 6 days. I feel like it is a blessing that Ledgyr could come any day, but I feel like I am so focused on my pain and sadness. I’m quite certain that Corby sent us his little brother during this time so that we would feel of the gift and miracle of life and not focus on how our lives were turned completely upside down last year with him leaving us. I am having a hard time focusing on that part though. The trees changing and the weather getting cooler don’t bring calmness and comfort to my soul like they used to. It now brings a lot of anxiety and emptiness to my soul. I used to absolutely love fall. I loved the smells the colors and even the change in wardrobe. It was my favorite time of year. It was the time of year that my eternal companion proposed and asked me to spend eternity with him. It was the time of year that Corby came into our lives. It was also the time of year that he left our lives. That, so far, has trumped everything else, and I don’t know if it will ever change. I hope that Ledgyr’s calm spiritual birth can help with making this time of year be better for me. I’m hoping my next entry will be a happy one. One of birth and life and excitement. 

Monster

Corby has been known as my little monster even when he was in my belly. He was the wiggliest thing and would constantly be moving so my belly looked like I had a monster in it. That quickly became is nickname and stuck. 

 This picture summed up his ‘monster-ness’ perfectly.  He had so much hair that every time I would get him out of the tub and get him greased up like a plump little piggy with lotion I would always put it in his hair and do it spiky-crazy because Addy always thought it was soooo funny. Even the other day when we were hanging out at our friend’s house and the mother had just gotten the baby out of the tub and after she got him all lotioned up she made his hair crazy. Addy immediately pointed out that it was like Corby’s hair and went over to play with the baby and his hair. I love seeing that she remembers things like that about her brother. Anyway, as I spiked his hair this particular time after I did it he was putting his hands up making the “Eh” sound for me to pick him up. I of course had to snap a picture before I did pick him up and he gave me the perfect ‘cheeser’ smile as I snapped the picture. I was the best! This picture quickly became his monster picture and we even used it on his monster birthday invitations.  Oh my little man had the cutest personality and definitely loved to show it off to everyone that would pay attention. I miss him more than words will ever describe, and still wonder how I will be able to get through each day. 

On another note- I have been able to give another Corby Basket out, and it has had the same effect on me as the last one did. I know that this is something that not only our Savior would want, but that Corby would want as well. I still haven’t figured out how to give them out to places in mass to give out grieving parents, but hopefully that will come along shortly so that I can share my baby’s love and compassion with more people. I’m so glad that I can have this opportunity to bring some comfort to other people, and hope that I will be able to spread my boy to many many more people.   

Honeymoon stage

Warning: this post is coming from a pretty dark place, but it’s got to come out. 

With everything there seems to be a honeymoon stage. Grief is no exception. I remember in the ER that night feeling like I was being carried so that I didn’t have to walk on my own two feet and feel the hard cold ground under me. I remember the weeks after feeling the same way. Feeling like everything will be O.K. Yes in the back of my mind I knew that my baby boy was gone. I knew that he was never coming back, and most days I was O.K. with that for some reason. This is where I am describing me being in the honeymoon stage. With it now almost hitting the 5 month mark I have left the honeymoon stage and have hit reality. Hit it hard! I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I cry all the time. I mean ALL. THE. TIME. I can’t seem to muster up half a smile even when I force myself.  I have become very clingy to my daughter, and want to be by her side constantly. I have also become very angry and secluded myself from people. I see someone that either sees me and smiles or asks me how I’m doing, and all I can think about is that person has no idea the pain, anger, sadness, and frustration I’m feeling. I never wanted to be that person when someone politely asks how I’m doing to spill my whole day or life’s feelings to them so I just say “I’m doing O.K.” I’ve stopped using the phrase ‘I’m doing well or good’ because even to me that feels like I’m lying through my teeth. I don’t know if I will ever be “good” again. My new life doesn’t consist of the verbiage “good”, and I’m very uncertain if it ever will. I never thought that I could be a depressed person and just writing this makes me tear up knowing the truth. I have always been that bright smile in the room that lights everyone else up. That’s not me anymore. Count yourself lucky if you get a genuine smile from me now. I’m depressed. I know it. I’m sure Brock knows it, and I’m quite certain that Addy knows it as well with her, out of nowhere kisses, and hugs to tell me she loves me. I used to be able to work out and feel a lot better. That was also during the honeymoon phase. That phase is full of lies and deception of everything is going to be alright. IT’S NOT ALRIGHT! My son is dead. My perfectly healthy beautiful blue eyed little baby boy is DEAD. Taken from me so suddenly and unexpectedly without me being given the chance to fight for him. He is NEVER coming back.  I will never get the chance to raise him with his other siblings and create those memories. I have to live an entire lifetime without him. Sure it may be a blink of an eye for him, but it’s far from that for me. It’s only been 5 months and I feel like it’s been an eternity.  I go have grief sessions with other parents and personal counselors, and I seem numb to them now. I used to walk away from them feeling better. Feeling like I was going to be O.K. Now all I feel like is wishing that I will go to sleep at night and not wake up in the morning. I’m officially jealous of the older generation. I want to be them. I want to have lived my life so that at any time I can just go. I’m also jealous of all the mothers that get to keep their children. I’m jealous of the mothers that got their miracle and they still have their child. I’ve never been the jealous type of person. I’ve never understood the point of jealousy. I never understood when people were jealous over stupid things with me, but I am officially one of those people. Don’t get me wrong I’m not going to go and start hoarding other people’s children or feeling happy when a mother does lose her child, but right now I am jealous. I know that satan is working his hardest on me and I can feel it every day. I’m still putting up a good battle, but I’m about to give up. Why can’t he move on to someone else. Everyone else has moved on living their lives why can’t he do the same? Just leave he behind mourning my sweet baby in peace. 

Grief work through service

Brock and I have been going to a private one on one grief counselor for about 4 months. Most of the time she helps by reassuring me that I am not going crazy. It’s a big worry of mine for some reason. I can see how easy it would be to go crazy after something tragic like losing a child consumes your every thought. Another thing that our counselor talks about is grief work. It’s weird to think about doing work for your grief that you are having. I thought so at first. She wouldn’t start off the session by saying what grief work have you been doing. She simply will ask “how’s it going, or what have you been doing that has helped you lately?” After I tell her that I have been writing to Corby in his journal just so that I can talk to him or tell her that I have started blogging my grief journey she always tells me “you are doing grief work”. So what I have gathered is grief work is stuff you do to help lessen the pain of your grief. I say lessen the pain because I am still grieving for my son just as I was that night in the ER and every day since then. The level of grief has not gotten less, but when I do the grief work during that time my pain lessens slightly. I recently listened to a talk given by a member in my ward from conference talk given by David S. Baxter titled Faith, Service, Constancy .  That was the first Sunday that I had gone back to our own ward. During the days leading up to Corby’s funeral we stayed at my parent’s house for several reasons. One, being that I could not go home to a house that didn’t have my little boy in it, but had all of his belongings there. I felt like I was tricking my mind in some way if we stayed with my parents that he was just being taken care of by another family member. I knew that wouldn’t last forever and I knew that we needed to eventually go home. That afternoon after his funeral I was in a state of mind that I just wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to act like I was fine and strong like everyone kept telling me. So because of that we went home. It was so hard for me to walk in there and have all of the memories of that night flood into my mind, but at the same time I felt him there. I felt calm and at peace for the first time since all of this happened. Anyway so that Sunday I knew that I needed to go to church even if it was just for sacrament so that I could feel that comfort of my Savior and take the sacrament. I didn’t want to go and sit down in the chapel because I knew that having all the people looking at me with such sorrow in their eyes would have been enough to put me overboard and not be able to control my tears. So I sat out in the foyer. As I listened to this young woman talked that was new to our ward. She talked about the talk I referenced above and talked about her own personal sufferings with grief by losing her sister. I’m sure she will never know that she was giving that talk for me, but I knew that was my Savior speaking directly to me. Anyway, I remember part of the talk being about serving others to lessen your pains. I never really thought that serving others would help my grief pain, but I am here to tell you that it has. A couple of days ago I was having a very low dark day and my mom again repeated about the service. I remember thinking “yeah, yeah, I don’t have enough energy to serve someone else when I can barely function for myself” and left it at that.

 Yesterday I found out that one of my little brother’s childhood friends passed away unexpectedly. My first thought went straight to his mother, and my heart started to ache uncontrollably. Not only for the aching that it has everyday anyway, but for this mother. I knew that this was the time to implement my idea of the Corby basket. I have wanted to do this for a while now because it was all stuff that would have been nice to have during my time of suffering and chaos. I immediately started preparing for this Corby basket and once I did my entire attitude and emotion changed. For once in a very long time I felt happy. I felt like I was in control of something which I haven’t felt for a very long time. I remember standing in one of the checkout lines and actually smiling. Not just smiling on the outside, but on the inside too. It was so noticeable to me because the feelings I was having were a drastic change from what they have been recently. I needed this FOR ME! Even though I was serving someone else I was helping myself in ways that I didn’t think were possible. I delivered the basket and all this mother could tell me was how much all of these things were needed, but they didn’t have a moment to even simply find a piece of paper to write some of the stuff down. I’m so glad that I was able to do that and to show that mother the love and ache I had for her. I know now that grief work through service is so real and unbelievably amazing!