Day 7 Memory

When I decided to do this project I also asked in anyone in the SUDC group wanted to join me. Some people expressed interest so I have been the one that has sent out the email to everyone of that day's project. I send it out the night before for me since there are people in the group that are clear across the world and have already started their new day. Last night as I prepared the email to send off, and I saw that it was a memory today I thought "oh this is for sure going to be an easy one" after I started pondering on which memory I wanted to share the most I realized this is one of the hardest tasks yet. There are so many memories that I have of my boy that are so precious to me. I'm not quite sure if I have a favorite. He was such a sweet little boy with the cutest little personality. Because I can't choose just one memory I'm going to share a few that came to mind first. Most of them are memories close to around when he passed. 

 

His little giggle was so infectious. I miss hearing it so much. I had just got done working out and was sitting on the ground stretching when Corby climbed up in his swing by himself. I found a ball on the floor and started playing "catch" with him and he thought it was the funniest thing in the world.  

He loved food so much! I called him my little calorie stealer. He was so in tune with when food was around that he would wake up out of a dead sleep if he heard the microwave open and shut. 

He loved to play on the makeshift slide their dada would make them. He loved anything that involved playing with his sissy.

This was taken just hours before he passed away. I have this memory because I remember his outfit I dressed him in that morning. I loved him in that orange shirt. This also reminds me of the memory of his face as I said bye to him for the last time before I walked out the door to go to work. 

I bawled like a baby when he got his first hair cut. He was such a good baby during the whole thing

His snuggles! This particular day he was snuggling me after he woke up before I had to go to work. He was the snuggliest baby and I miss having a baby snuggle into me so much. 

He was a climber! He climbed on anything his little legs could get him on top of. I remember coming out of the kitchen to find him up here somehow. I have no idea how he got up here, but he amazed me all the time with places he was able to climb to.

I remember chasing him around the last Sunday he was alive. That's when this was taken. I feel guilty because I remember thinking I wish this kid would just slow down so I could go back into sacrament meeting. I'm so glad that I was able to chase him around one last time. 

He had the silliest personality! I made me laugh on a daily basis. He had just gotten out of the bath and I was putting lotion on him. I put lotion on his face and rubbed it through his hair and made crazy hair. He immediately started going crazy like he knew what I had done. 

Those beautiful blue eyes! This particular day I mixed cheese in with the ramen. Brock told me about how he did it for the kids and they loved it. He said it tasted like a cheese burger... I'd bed to differ, but the kids loved it. Corby looked so cute. You can't really tell, but he's actually curled up in a ball in his highchair. His knees are up by his elbows with his cute little feet sticking out the leg holes.  I also have the memory of feeding him ramen noodles for lunch as I was cooking dinner before I went to work that last day he was alive. I hope I never forget him "helping" me cook dinner that last time. I made a ham and stuffing crock pot dinner and would give him little pieces of ham as I made everything too. I never was able to taste it, but Brock text me and told me that Corby beyond loved it. I haven't been able to make it since so I still don't know what it tastes like.  I actually still have that last dinner saved in a tupperware in my freezer. It was the last meal that my baby ate and I want to remember that. I don't know when I'll be able to get rid of it. 

That memory is probably the biggest one that I want to hang onto the most. 

The one that I shared with the SUDC parents was this one: 

The one memory that sticks out the most to me is one afternoon I was cuddling Corby to sleep. I was standing beside his crib with his head on my chest and I was rocking back and forth. I remember thinking how much I loved that and I wish that it would never end. I loved listening to his little breaths he would take, and laying my cheek on his soft blonde hair. He melted right into me and was so comfortable laying there. I wish that I could go back and be able to feel his little body laying against mine one last time. 

I have so many more that I could tell you about. Maybe for another day. 

Day 6 - Books

Day 6 – BOOKS So many of us turn to reading in the wake of the death of our children. We take solace in other people’s words, stories, journeys and wisdom. Have you read any books that have helped in this journey of healing after loss? They don’t have to be specifically about the death of a child, just anything that helped you. Share about how they helped you and what you loved about them. You can share books that help grieving children too. Please feel welcome to share links.

I've always liked to read. It always hasn't been something I was able to do with the rigorous schooling I went through and then children followed right after. After Corbyn passed I had several people give me books to read. I found it was a way for them to help without saying anything. That was good because I could then decide privately if the "advice" they had given me was what I needed. I started book after book. None of them seemed to help me with what I needed. One person gave me a book that a mother wrote about her miscarriages. I wanted to set the book on fire and throw it out the window after reading the first chapter. It just wasn't the help I was looking for and it just made me angry. Other books were about people overcoming trials and one was fictional, but seemed very real. After I found out it was all fabricated it made me want to shred it. I decided I would crack open one more book from the stack I received and if that was a fail I was done trying.  It was this one: 

I loved it! It was just what I needed. I connected with it so much and felt like I was the one that wrote my feelings down and was reading them.  I'm sure from my previous posts you realized I am religious. This book helped me when I was angry with God. It helped me reestablish my faith. Most of all it brought about my idea for the Corby baskets that I now give parents that have lost a child. There was so much that this book did for me. It helped me understand my grief a little better and know that what I was feeling was ok. She lost a son, in a very different way, but I felt like I could relate. From the suddenness of her loss to the ER experience. After I finished that book I decided to try my luck again and failed miserably so I gave up altogether. I'm grateful for the book I was able to find. That whole time was a blur for me so I honestly can't remember where they all came from. What I learned from it all was that each grief journey is different and what may work for one won't work for another. I'm grateful for each person that sought out to find that perfect book for me. I know they were showing their love and wanting to help the best they knew how. Maybe one day I'll come across another book that speaks to my soul. Who knows, maybe I'll write my own...

Day 5 Empathy

Day 5 – EMPATHY So often in this community of bereaved parents we speak about all the things that friends and family should not say to us. There are countless articles about things never to say to a bereaved parent but not as many on actual things to say to a bereaved parent. If we want to break the silence surrounding baby and child loss we need to communicate our needs of what people can do and say to help. We must educate society on what real empathy is. What does empathy look like for you. What do you wish people would have said to you? How could they have helped you better?

Empathy-that's a word that I never thought the bereaved had to think about with themselves. Usually you think that the outside people are the one's that need to show the empathy. That was all before I became one of those bereaved on the inside of the circle. Not only do the people looking in at the tragedy need to show empathy for what those close to it are going through, but the bereaved need to show empathy for the outsiders as well. 

I remember not knowing what to say to a coworker after she lost her son. I didn't know that a simple sorry was perfect. Thankfully I didn't offer any "advice". After Corbyn passed I soon learned that death is awkward for people. They are so concerned to not say the wrong thing that their minds are clouded a lot of the times and they end up putting their foot right in their mouth. 

My best friend who isn't married or have any children of her own came to be by my side. She didn't have to say anything she just came and sat with me. If I wanted to talk she would listen. She would hug me and just listen. Another friend came to my aide by bringing a large amount of food. Not a meal just munch food and staple food. He looked up every grief group out there and what he could find and gave me a list. He told me how sorry he was gave me a hug and left. Right before Corby's funeral he asked what he could get for everyone to help them remember Corby. Corby loved goldfish crackers so he went and bought boxes of the individual bags to give out to everyone at the viewing. Another woman in my neighborhood would send simple little messages saying she was thinking of me or drop by random things that she thought would be of service to me. She would ask about Corby. That was the most empathetic thing someone could have ever done for me. I ache for the chance to talk about my boy and she gave me that chance freely. 

The people that stick around and still understand my emotional state now almost two years later are also very empathetic. My sister in law is one of those people. She understands that I'm still going to cry when I see her son that is only months younger than Corbyn. She understands that no amount of time will heal my heart. She still worries about me when she sees that I'm anxious and am not sleeping. I have had many many others that have been there by my side and continue to be there for me today. That is what empathy is to me for an outsider's perspective. 

To give empathy as the bereaved-I have learned that because people don't know they don't mean any harm. I have learned to be more open with people. That is what they are searching for, anyway, most of the time. People who have not walked our road have no idea. I'm glad they have no idea. They need guidance on what to say or how to act. I hate seeing more emails come across introducing a new member to the SUDC group. I will continue to help open people up to child loss so that hopefully the new parents that join this club will have that empathetic someone to be there for them during their time of need. 

Day 4 Dark and Light

Day 4 – DARK + LIGHT Today we are acknowledging the dark and the light sides of grief. The ugly and the beauty. The bitter and the sweet. The anger and the peace. You might want to write about the moments when everything falls apart or maybe the moments where our eyes are opened to the gifts that this journey has in store for us. Maybe you just want to write about both.

There are so many darks that I focus on that I'm choosing to focus on the light right now. Looking back to before Corbyn passed I feel like I was blinded by what was out there. There was this sorrow, but it only happened in the movies. It didn't happen to real people, let alone me. Now I feel like my eyes have been opened. Because of the journey I have been thrown into I have learned to have more compassion for others as well as a lot more patience. Brock and I chose to fight this together and have become stronger in our marriage because of it. We love each other with a deeper love.  I have learned what truly matters in life and it's not the prettiest home all perfectly decorated or the nicest car. It's about my family.

It's about what I can teach other people about being compassionate and loving thy neighbor as thyself. Since his passing I have had so many wonderful people come into my life that I am so grateful to call true friends and whom I can say I love dearly. I can be grateful for the fact that I don't have to worry about Corbyn. I don't have to fear that he's going to get hurt or get in with the wrong group of friends. I know he's safe where he's at waiting for me. I'm grateful that this has taught me to love without fear. 

Grief is hard. Really hard.  I have done some hard things in my life, but by far grieving over the death of my child has been the hardest, and from what I hear it will be the hardest I will ever have to go through. I am grateful that my eyes have been opened, though. My faith has been strengthened and I have come to learn that I'm not in control. My testimony of my Savior has increased a hundred fold. He has shown me that I'm not alone and never will be. He is merciful and loves me and wants to help me. 

Today I choose light. I choose light for Corbyn because he is my light. I choose light for my other children because they shouldn't have to live in darkness when that's not what their brother would want. 

 I know that grief is a roller coaster and I'm going to have a lot of downs still, but I know that the roller coaster will continue to go on and after the down there will be another up and I choose to embrace the ups more than the downs. I expect that I'm soon to have a down and just like all the rest of my downs I have had I will make it through to see the other side.

 Don't get me wrong I'm not "healed" or "over it". I'm far from it and I know I will NEVER get there because it's impossible. I'm still shattered and broken, but today I choose to use my shattered pieces as a prism  for the light to show some beauty from the tragedy.

Day 3-In Honor

Day 3 – IN HONOUR Who are you doing this project in loving memory of? Share their name. Share their story. Share who they are to you. This is a time to shine a light on your children and tell the world about them. Honour them beautifully. A lovely idea is to create an acrostic poem with your children’s names (a word for each letter of their name) If you didn’t name your babies, you can still share your experience. What were your hopes and dreams for them? How has this experience changed you as a person? Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. 

Oh where do I even begin. I'm doing this for "my guy". He was the most loving, gentle, sweet spirited little boy. He had this light about him that would stop complete strangers in their tracks. They would brighten up after they talked to him for a few minutes. He was selfless even at such a young age. His sister caught on quickly to that about him. She said to my husband one day " Dadda you're the king, mama is the Queen, I'm the princess, and Corby is my horse". He did everything for her and didn't mind at all. They were each other's best friend and I enjoyed watching them play together. At a very young age he would watch his sissy very closely and with such love in his eyes. She was his hero and I loved seeing that. 

Corbyn never thought about himself. If someone wanted to cuddle with him he would simply sit there until they were done. He never wiggled away or squirmed on their lap. My dad loves to give "his babies" kisses and Corby would let my dad sit there and kiss his little cheeks until my dad was satiated. He had the most infectious giggle that I hope I never forget. He loved playing with bubbles with his sissy and she always made him giggle the hardest. I am doing this in honor of him, but I live my entire life in honor of him. I'm so grateful that I was able to spend the 411 days with him that I did. He changed me and made me be the mother I am now. 

There was a special bond that we shared. From the minute I knew I was pregnant with him I felt the overwhelming burning in me that I needed to protect him. I never felt that with my daughter, nor did I with our rainbow baby either. Even after he was born I felt the need to protect him. We had an unbelievable connection. He would look at me with such love and warmth in his eyes. 

He has been my only child that has cuddled with me and it gave him such comfort to snuggle with me. The only way I can describe it is he would melt into me. 

I love him more than words can describe and miss him even more than that. I will spend every day honoring him so he will never be forgotten as well as so more people will be able to learn of my angel. 

-Krystle