Day 6 - Books

Day 6 – BOOKS So many of us turn to reading in the wake of the death of our children. We take solace in other people’s words, stories, journeys and wisdom. Have you read any books that have helped in this journey of healing after loss? They don’t have to be specifically about the death of a child, just anything that helped you. Share about how they helped you and what you loved about them. You can share books that help grieving children too. Please feel welcome to share links.

I've always liked to read. It always hasn't been something I was able to do with the rigorous schooling I went through and then children followed right after. After Corbyn passed I had several people give me books to read. I found it was a way for them to help without saying anything. That was good because I could then decide privately if the "advice" they had given me was what I needed. I started book after book. None of them seemed to help me with what I needed. One person gave me a book that a mother wrote about her miscarriages. I wanted to set the book on fire and throw it out the window after reading the first chapter. It just wasn't the help I was looking for and it just made me angry. Other books were about people overcoming trials and one was fictional, but seemed very real. After I found out it was all fabricated it made me want to shred it. I decided I would crack open one more book from the stack I received and if that was a fail I was done trying.  It was this one: 

I loved it! It was just what I needed. I connected with it so much and felt like I was the one that wrote my feelings down and was reading them.  I'm sure from my previous posts you realized I am religious. This book helped me when I was angry with God. It helped me reestablish my faith. Most of all it brought about my idea for the Corby baskets that I now give parents that have lost a child. There was so much that this book did for me. It helped me understand my grief a little better and know that what I was feeling was ok. She lost a son, in a very different way, but I felt like I could relate. From the suddenness of her loss to the ER experience. After I finished that book I decided to try my luck again and failed miserably so I gave up altogether. I'm grateful for the book I was able to find. That whole time was a blur for me so I honestly can't remember where they all came from. What I learned from it all was that each grief journey is different and what may work for one won't work for another. I'm grateful for each person that sought out to find that perfect book for me. I know they were showing their love and wanting to help the best they knew how. Maybe one day I'll come across another book that speaks to my soul. Who knows, maybe I'll write my own...

Day 5 Empathy

Day 5 – EMPATHY So often in this community of bereaved parents we speak about all the things that friends and family should not say to us. There are countless articles about things never to say to a bereaved parent but not as many on actual things to say to a bereaved parent. If we want to break the silence surrounding baby and child loss we need to communicate our needs of what people can do and say to help. We must educate society on what real empathy is. What does empathy look like for you. What do you wish people would have said to you? How could they have helped you better?

Empathy-that's a word that I never thought the bereaved had to think about with themselves. Usually you think that the outside people are the one's that need to show the empathy. That was all before I became one of those bereaved on the inside of the circle. Not only do the people looking in at the tragedy need to show empathy for what those close to it are going through, but the bereaved need to show empathy for the outsiders as well. 

I remember not knowing what to say to a coworker after she lost her son. I didn't know that a simple sorry was perfect. Thankfully I didn't offer any "advice". After Corbyn passed I soon learned that death is awkward for people. They are so concerned to not say the wrong thing that their minds are clouded a lot of the times and they end up putting their foot right in their mouth. 

My best friend who isn't married or have any children of her own came to be by my side. She didn't have to say anything she just came and sat with me. If I wanted to talk she would listen. She would hug me and just listen. Another friend came to my aide by bringing a large amount of food. Not a meal just munch food and staple food. He looked up every grief group out there and what he could find and gave me a list. He told me how sorry he was gave me a hug and left. Right before Corby's funeral he asked what he could get for everyone to help them remember Corby. Corby loved goldfish crackers so he went and bought boxes of the individual bags to give out to everyone at the viewing. Another woman in my neighborhood would send simple little messages saying she was thinking of me or drop by random things that she thought would be of service to me. She would ask about Corby. That was the most empathetic thing someone could have ever done for me. I ache for the chance to talk about my boy and she gave me that chance freely. 

The people that stick around and still understand my emotional state now almost two years later are also very empathetic. My sister in law is one of those people. She understands that I'm still going to cry when I see her son that is only months younger than Corbyn. She understands that no amount of time will heal my heart. She still worries about me when she sees that I'm anxious and am not sleeping. I have had many many others that have been there by my side and continue to be there for me today. That is what empathy is to me for an outsider's perspective. 

To give empathy as the bereaved-I have learned that because people don't know they don't mean any harm. I have learned to be more open with people. That is what they are searching for, anyway, most of the time. People who have not walked our road have no idea. I'm glad they have no idea. They need guidance on what to say or how to act. I hate seeing more emails come across introducing a new member to the SUDC group. I will continue to help open people up to child loss so that hopefully the new parents that join this club will have that empathetic someone to be there for them during their time of need. 

Day 4 Dark and Light

Day 4 – DARK + LIGHT Today we are acknowledging the dark and the light sides of grief. The ugly and the beauty. The bitter and the sweet. The anger and the peace. You might want to write about the moments when everything falls apart or maybe the moments where our eyes are opened to the gifts that this journey has in store for us. Maybe you just want to write about both.

There are so many darks that I focus on that I'm choosing to focus on the light right now. Looking back to before Corbyn passed I feel like I was blinded by what was out there. There was this sorrow, but it only happened in the movies. It didn't happen to real people, let alone me. Now I feel like my eyes have been opened. Because of the journey I have been thrown into I have learned to have more compassion for others as well as a lot more patience. Brock and I chose to fight this together and have become stronger in our marriage because of it. We love each other with a deeper love.  I have learned what truly matters in life and it's not the prettiest home all perfectly decorated or the nicest car. It's about my family.

It's about what I can teach other people about being compassionate and loving thy neighbor as thyself. Since his passing I have had so many wonderful people come into my life that I am so grateful to call true friends and whom I can say I love dearly. I can be grateful for the fact that I don't have to worry about Corbyn. I don't have to fear that he's going to get hurt or get in with the wrong group of friends. I know he's safe where he's at waiting for me. I'm grateful that this has taught me to love without fear. 

Grief is hard. Really hard.  I have done some hard things in my life, but by far grieving over the death of my child has been the hardest, and from what I hear it will be the hardest I will ever have to go through. I am grateful that my eyes have been opened, though. My faith has been strengthened and I have come to learn that I'm not in control. My testimony of my Savior has increased a hundred fold. He has shown me that I'm not alone and never will be. He is merciful and loves me and wants to help me. 

Today I choose light. I choose light for Corbyn because he is my light. I choose light for my other children because they shouldn't have to live in darkness when that's not what their brother would want. 

 I know that grief is a roller coaster and I'm going to have a lot of downs still, but I know that the roller coaster will continue to go on and after the down there will be another up and I choose to embrace the ups more than the downs. I expect that I'm soon to have a down and just like all the rest of my downs I have had I will make it through to see the other side.

 Don't get me wrong I'm not "healed" or "over it". I'm far from it and I know I will NEVER get there because it's impossible. I'm still shattered and broken, but today I choose to use my shattered pieces as a prism  for the light to show some beauty from the tragedy.

Day 3-In Honor

Day 3 – IN HONOUR Who are you doing this project in loving memory of? Share their name. Share their story. Share who they are to you. This is a time to shine a light on your children and tell the world about them. Honour them beautifully. A lovely idea is to create an acrostic poem with your children’s names (a word for each letter of their name) If you didn’t name your babies, you can still share your experience. What were your hopes and dreams for them? How has this experience changed you as a person? Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. 

Oh where do I even begin. I'm doing this for "my guy". He was the most loving, gentle, sweet spirited little boy. He had this light about him that would stop complete strangers in their tracks. They would brighten up after they talked to him for a few minutes. He was selfless even at such a young age. His sister caught on quickly to that about him. She said to my husband one day " Dadda you're the king, mama is the Queen, I'm the princess, and Corby is my horse". He did everything for her and didn't mind at all. They were each other's best friend and I enjoyed watching them play together. At a very young age he would watch his sissy very closely and with such love in his eyes. She was his hero and I loved seeing that. 

Corbyn never thought about himself. If someone wanted to cuddle with him he would simply sit there until they were done. He never wiggled away or squirmed on their lap. My dad loves to give "his babies" kisses and Corby would let my dad sit there and kiss his little cheeks until my dad was satiated. He had the most infectious giggle that I hope I never forget. He loved playing with bubbles with his sissy and she always made him giggle the hardest. I am doing this in honor of him, but I live my entire life in honor of him. I'm so grateful that I was able to spend the 411 days with him that I did. He changed me and made me be the mother I am now. 

There was a special bond that we shared. From the minute I knew I was pregnant with him I felt the overwhelming burning in me that I needed to protect him. I never felt that with my daughter, nor did I with our rainbow baby either. Even after he was born I felt the need to protect him. We had an unbelievable connection. He would look at me with such love and warmth in his eyes. 

He has been my only child that has cuddled with me and it gave him such comfort to snuggle with me. The only way I can describe it is he would melt into me. 

I love him more than words can describe and miss him even more than that. I will spend every day honoring him so he will never be forgotten as well as so more people will be able to learn of my angel. 

-Krystle 

Day 2-Intention

Day 2 – INTENTION Set

yourself a new intention to inspire your next path in grief
and healing. It might be to live your life with more
kindness or maybe you might intend to live your life more
wholeheartedly in honour of your children. Spend some time
with this one. Go and get some fresh air. What is it that
you want out of this project? Whatever your new intention
is, write it down with the words “I intend to
……………. in honour of my precious child/ren

……………..” 

I have pondered this subject the minute that Corby passed. My intention is to keep serving my boy the best I can as his mother, just as I do for my other children. I intend to continue to bring awareness to SUDC by sharing my blog with people, and honoring him in our races.

I intend to keep his spirit alive in our home and family by teaching his brother and future siblings about him, and continuing to talk about him. 

 (Ledgyr will quite frequently stare or give kisses to his brother like he already knows him) 

I intend to continue to grieve in a healthy way and not shut down, but most of all I intend to live my life full of love and compassion for my son just as he lived his life. I want to be able to serve people in honor of my baby as well as to serve them for my Savior. 

Before I even became a mother I came across a blog of a mother that lost her daughter to drowning. I cried right along with her as her beginning of her grief journey began up until right around the time I lost Corby. Through all her posts she taught me to love fiercely and fully. To live and love my children everyday as if it were my last. I am so grateful for that because I don't have any regrets that I didn't love Corbyn enough. I intend to pass on what she taught me, and what I have learned by the loss of my own child. I want people to love to the fullest and not take their children for granted. To hug them more. To hold them tight and be grateful for every breath that they breath out of their little bodies. For every morning that they have the chance to hear their child awake.

 My intentions are huge and I carry a lot of weight on my shoulders because of them, but I am reminded every day when I look and see that empty seat in my car or at the dinner table that weight is my son's weight that I carry.