6 Months

4/18/14

An entire 6 months has passed since the last time I held my little man in my arms. I can’t believe that I have been able to live a whole 6 months without him. It has been the hardest 6 months of my life.  A quote by Bob Marley sums it up perfectly: “You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice.” This was my only choice. If I really had a say in the matter I would have never chosen this for myself. I do know that when I made this choice up in Heaven I knew that I would have my Savior by my side to carry me when needed, and He has done that. I tell people that I am furious with my spirit self, and every time they chuckle, but I am being brutally honest. I don’t think that when we were up in Heaven we really knew the context of what our trials consisted of. We were unaware of the pain and heart ache of the mortal body. We were aware of our Father in Heaven’s entire plan so it seemed like it was no big deal to take on the trials that he put before us and we agreed upon. I wish that my spirit self wasn’t such a “go getter” and knew that my mortal self could handle anything. I know that this experience has made me a stronger person. I realized that fact that very night in the ER holding my baby tightly as he lay lifeless in my arms. It still doesn’t bring about the fact that I am broken-broken into so many little pieces that I don’t know if any part of me will ever fit back together and be whole again. The only part that is left whole is my heart because that was what was taken from me as my son left this world for his new mission on the other side of the veil. He has my entire heart, and I’m left with an empty hole. 

In all reality, though, I am grateful for the knowledge that I have of the gospel. I am grateful that I was able to listen to and attend General conference a couple of weeks ago and listen to apostles of our Heavenly father speak to us on His behalf for Him. There was one special talk given by Jean A. Stevens titled “Fear Not; I Am With Thee” As I listened to this talk I know that the Savior is watching out for me. She talked about trusting in the Lord and we can access his power to bless us. As I was standing there in the parking lot of our condo pleading with my Heavenly Father to please save my baby. He kept telling me everything will be OK. He even woke one of my very good friends out of a deep sleep telling her that she needed to call me. She was unaware of the situation that we were going through, but she called and left a message saying that she doesn’t know why but she had a strong impression that something was wrong with me and that she needed to call me. I’m so thankful that she listened to that prompting from the Lord. It was a comfort to me to know that I am not alone, and that my Savior is there to take my hand in my time of need. I need to remember to trust in Him and His power because he can and will help me the best way possible. 

Our lives forever changed

October 18, 2012 was a day of happiness and bliss. This was the day that by baby brother was married to his sweetheart. Never did we know exactly a year later that day would turn into one of the worst days of our lives. October 18, 2013 started out just like every other day did with my beautiful babies. Nothing was out of the ordinary nor was there any kind of stillness in the air. I went about caring for my babies as any mother would do. I had to work that evening so I was planning dinner and getting it in so that my family could have a good home cooked dinner that evening while their mamma and wife was at work. Never did I realized that was the last dinner I would cook for my precious little baby boy. He was in the kitchen with me the whole time “helping” me cook the dinner. He more wanted to sample everything while sitting in his high chair. I loved having him in there content as could be watching me, “talking” up a storm, and munching. I love that moment in time even more now. I packed my lunch with my breast pump in tow kissed my babies with fierce love wishing that I didn’t have to leave them and walked out the door telling them I loved them. I remember turning back looking at Corby sitting on his daddy’s lap longingly watching me walk out the door. I will never forget that look on my little boy’s face. I wish more than ever I didn’t walk out that day and I stayed home. I wish that I was there to feed him his last meal. I went to work and the day was normal as usual. I took my pump breaks as usual to give my baby boy the milk he loved. Never did I realize that was going to be the last time I would be doing that. I got off work at 12:30 that night. I went home to a quiet house. My usual routine was to eat a small snack so that I wouldn’t starve since I was still burning so many calories from breast feeding. Then I would get ready for bed go in and kiss Addy and then head to our room kissing Corby in his crib. I always had to kiss my babies before I went to bed to tell them that I loved them since I didn’t get the chance to put them to bed. I looked in the crib to find Corby with his face buried directly in the mattress with his arms straight down at his side. I found this position odd because he NEVER slept like that. I didn’t want to wake him completely so I went to feel that he was still breathing and turn him on his side. That was when I found no chest movement. I turned him over to find my baby lifeless and grey. I immediately woke Brock up and told him that Corby wasn’t breathing and to call 911. I took him out of his crib and immediately started CPR without missing a beat. I am so grateful for my medical background so that I did go into auto pilot and didn’t turn into a ball of mess. As I was performing CPR I saw color come back to his face and for a minute I had some hope. It wasn’t until I noticed the gurgling when I gave him some air that I knew his lungs were already breaking down and he had been gone for a while. The paramedics got there within 3 minutes let me finish my round of CPR and grabbed him and ran. I immediately followed behind them yelling up the stairs that I worked at Ogden Regional and that was where my insurance was. They yelled back telling me that they were going to McKay Dee. I was upset then that they wouldn’t listen to me, but didn’t care as long as they took my baby somewhere that could possibly produce a miracle and bring him back to me. A police officer offered to escort me to the hospital. When we got up to his car he had to clean out the passenger seat so it took him a minute. All I remember doing is praying (pleading) to my Heavenly Father to please don’t take my baby from me. He immediately took me in His arms and told me everything would be O.K. At this point I went into a calm shocked state as we slowly drove the 2 miles to the hospital. It seemed like it took hours to get to the hospital and I was so frustrated with the officer because he took out his little notebook and was questioning me and writing stuff down as he was SLOWLY driving to the hospital. All I wanted to do was yell at him and tell him to just DRIVE. After what seemed like an eternity we arrived and went into the ER. The officer introduced me as the mother of the tiny beautiful child that an entire room of doctors, nurses, techs, and hospital staff was working on in room 1. My baby became a number... Room 1. His name was Corbyn he has a name and he is my beautiful baby. That’s all I wanted to say when I heard people say that. It was so hurtful and disrespectful at such a terrifying time in my life. I walked in to a very busy room; people yelling different things and celebrating as they were able to successfully intubate him. This too was hurtful to me because how could they be happy about such a terrible thing? I sat and watched as they continued to push the Epi and perform CPR as well as all other interventions to get his heart to start beating again. Nothing... absolutely nothing was happening. I willed as hard as I could to see the monitor to start showing his heart beating. Deep down, though, I knew that he wasn’t coming back and that I would never see the measurement of his heart beating again, but again I still had that feeling of calmness that everything was going to be O.K. My medical knowledge knew that he was gone before the paramedics even arrived at our home. Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling this way instead of feeling hopeful. I’m not a pessimistic person, but I believe that this was Heavenly Father telling me this to help me be more prepared for when the worst words ever came out of the physician’s mouth.  I am not quite sure how long they worked on him, but I think it was about 30 minutes. Everything is a blur. I couldn’t breathe. I physically could NOT open my lungs enough to get any air in. I was nauseated, and felt like my mind was not even close to being there in room 1 of the McKay Dee ER. I felt like I was two inches tall. My ears were ringing and I felt that stillness in the air that comes with death.  I was watching my perfectly healthy little baby boy lie lifeless on the gurney. I was so confused. I couldn’t understand how my perfectly healthy baby could be taken from me. He was just fine when I left him that afternoon. After doing everything they could have done to get his heart started again the physician finally told me that there was nothing else they could do and that his heart was not going to start again. All I wanted to do was drop to the ground and pound on it screaming at the top of my lungs yelling “WHYYYYYY”. Thankfully the physician that told me that it was over caught me from falling and just held me as she too started to cry. That’s when I saw the emotion. The emotion that I didn’t think existed as they were cheering from the successful intubation just minutes earlier. Emotion encased the room coming from everyone in it. I looked and didn’t see a dry eye. I couldn’t believe I was living this nightmare that I feared from the minute I found out I was pregnant with Addy over 3 years earlier. 

During all of this mess I called my parents to have them come and watch Addy so that Brock and I could both go to the hospital. I more needed my husband there for his strength. I needed him there to help me feel safe during such an emotionally naked situation. My dad knew that I needed him and dropped my mom off at our house and headed to the hospital before Brock could even leave. He arrived just as they told me the horrifying news. As I saw him all I could say was “daddy” and just sob in his comforting arms. I felt like a helpless child and couldn’t make it better. I felt like I was so in charge of my life and could control it so well. I was very quickly put back into a humble state of mind knowing that it is not ME that controls my life but Him. 

They unhooked him from all the machines wrapped him up in a blanket and told me to go hold my baby boy. I crawled up on the gurney and just held him caressing his soft beautiful dirty blonde hair saying over and over again “Oh my sweet baby, Oh my sweet baby, Oh my sweet baby. I love you so much”. I held him and just cried asking, why was this happening to me? This doesn’t happen to me it happens to other people. I have become that other person. How could this be? I did everything to keep my babies safe. So much so that people thought that I was crazy with how protective I was of them. My craziness caused fights and problems, but I didn’t care. That was how much I loved and wanted to keep my babies safe. My world was crashing down around me and I didn’t have a say in it at ALL. I didn’t know what to do next. I always know what to do next. That’s my personality. I’m a planner. I plan the 2nd, 3rd, 4th... and so on steps because it makes me feel safe. I even plan ‘what if‘steps just in case. I didn’t have any ‘what if’ steps for something like this. This was the ‘what if’ that I never thought would happen to ME. I remember letting my dad hold Corby as the physician came in to tell me that Brock had arrived and my dad asked as he was sobbing “are you sure that you have done everything? Can you just check and make sure that his heart is completely stopped? There has to be something to do. Are there any employees that are LDS and hold the priesthood to come give him a blessing?” The physician checked his heart and told him that for sure it was not beating, and that she would send in some LDS employees with oil. I don’t remember if I went out and got Brock, or if he came in the room, but I just remember falling into his arms not knowing what to do. He went over and gave him a blessing. It wasn’t a blessing for a miracle, but a blessing of peace and comfort so that his spirit will pass peacefully into the spirit world. After that a nurse came in to give us his condolences and let us know that he lost his sweet little girl just a few months earlier. This is where I know now why the paramedics were told to go to McKay. It wasn‘t for any other reason other than to have the blessings of the workers there that night that had already walked in our shoes and could help us on what to do next. I don’t know for sure, but I know there were several there that night. Two in particular that stand out to me. The nurse that came in the room told us that we needed to go get Addy so that she could say by to Corby before she had to see him in a casket. I’m so glad that he gave us that advice because she needed that for her little mind. We immediately started making phone calls to all the other family members to tell them the terrifying news so that they would have the chance to come say goodbye too. We called our bishop as well and he rushed right over. I could tell he didn’t know what to do, but it was such a comfort to have him there just standing there giving us his love and support. After all the family was there that was in town we had a family prayer and had our bishop say it. I don’t remember anything that was said in the prayer, but I do distinctly remember the feeling. It was a feeling of peace and comfort. I wasn’t scared or sad that this happened. After the prayer my mom kept crying and asking “why?” I could tell that she was angry. The only words that I could muster out were “this was supposed to happen”. I remember the look that my dad gave me. It wasn’t a look of complete shock, but of understanding. He too had the same feelings I was having and he too was being prepared for this to happen before it even did. I was being prepared for this clear back to when he was a brand new baby. It's kind of ironic that the last post that I posted on here was of Corby and his birth and beginning of life. Now the next post is of his life ending. 

   

Introducing....

Well I guess now that he is two months old we should probably introduce our new little man.



Meet Corbyn D Cordingley. He was born September 2, 2012 @ 8:32 am. Weighing 6 lbs 11 oz 18 inches long. This c-section went a million times better than the last one and I healed much quicker as well. All the nurses loved Corbyn and thought he was such a doll. There were nurses from the other labor and delivery side that would come over to see him. So he definitely has his way with the ladies already. It was funny because the day we were leaving all of the nurses were sad to see their little man going. :)
11 days after he was born he put us through a scare and was admitted back into the hospital due to a high fever. They kept him for 48 hours and everything came back inconclusive so once his antibiotics finished they sent us home. It was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. I will never wish anyone to have their baby be in the hospital. EVER! I hated seeing my little guy lying in the big hospital bed so sad and grey.



I'm so thankful that all I had to spend in the hospital with him was 48 hours. After that, things have been pretty good.
He was blessed on October 14th and was the cutest little man in a tux that I have ever seen. :) I was a little worried after Brock had blessed him because he blessed him to keep up with his big sister... I don't know of I'll be able to handle two million mile an hour babies!


Corbyn is good little baby. He had a stint after he got out of the hospital where he was very attached and hated being put down for anything. Which I don't blame him- he was pretty traumatized from being poked several times, cathed 5 times, a spinal tap done on him, and his temperature taken rectally every two hours. I think I would be too.



He is a lot more cuddly than Addy ever was which I, of course, love. :)



He turned two months old and is doing a great job smoozing everyone and getting what ever he wants by smiling at us. He's super chunky and has no neck what so ever.



And has quite the pot belly too!
I love this little guy with all my heart and so does his daddy and big sister. Addy is so cute with him. She will randomly go up and just pet his head and give him kisses. She is also a very good mommy and comes to let me know every time "baby is sad". I'm so glad that she has such a good little heart and she loves her baby brother so much already.







She even tests out his new things for him to make sure they're safe. ;)



She also wants to make sure he has plenty of friends too. Even if he doesn't like the friends she chooses for him.

Here's some pictures for the road



He loves to hold his head up and this night he sat there and held his head up for 15 minutes straight.




First tub time. He looks so tiny! I can't believe how much he's grown already!



He barely fits in the sink anymore!



He already sits in his bumbo. It's so funny to see such a little guy sitting up in the bumbo. It swallows him up!






He likes to sit and computer with dad....


Other times he gets bored and falls asleep. :)



He likes to get his hairs did by his dadda.




This was him the day he came home from the hospital. He was so tiny!!



His two month appointment was today and he's growing very well

Length: 22 3/8 inches 25%
Weight: 11 lbs 10.5 oz 50%
Head circ: 39.2 cm 30%



Such a cute little chunkster!!!

Last night of the three amigos

I'm torn between this very concept. I'm so very excited for our little man to come tomorrow, but at the same time I'm very sad to know that it will never be the three amigos ever again. No more just mommy and Addy days. No more just cuddles watching a movie with my baby girl only. I'm very excited to soon have two cuddles, but still... I'm crying as I write this and I have no idea why this bothers me so much. Maybe the post-partum depression is already kicking in. I guess I'm also sad because I know that this heartbreaking realization is going to be coming to my baby girl, as well, very soon. I don't want to hurt my baby's feelings and I'm sure knowing that it's inevitable is also what is making me have these feelings.


I took this today after we got back inside from playing in the big rainstorm. We had so much fun and I loved watching my baby have the time of her life without a care in the world.





We've been her whole world for almost two years and now she has to share us. Imagine you having to share your all time best friend or your spouse. That doesn't sound fun does it?



I love my baby girl with everything I have in me and I know I will with my little boy too, but it still is hard for me to be hurting my baby's feelings and knowing that it will never be like this again. Oh well huh... Here's to life changes. :)

Announcement?

Well I guess I have never announced on here that we are expecting our second. Oh and that he's coming on Sunday!


We're super excited for this little guy to come. He's been a monster that's for sure. He has moved so much more than Addy ever did and moves almost constantly! That's why he already has the nickname of monster. :)



We have everything set up and ready for our little monster to come. I'm scheduled to have my c-section 9 A.M. Sunday morning. It's a little scary for me since my last experience with Addy was such a horrible one, but my new OB has reassured me that this time will be much easier. You may be asking well why didn't I go along with the plan of a VBAC? That's because this time around my OB was actually concerned about my brain tumor and sent me to have a consult with a neurologist. Yeah that consult didn't go how I wanted it to go, but deep down I kinda knew already that he was going to tell me that I wasn't allowed to go into labor and push because of the risk my tumor hemorrhaging and either killing me or turning me into a vegetable. I was pretty devastated anyway and cried quite a bit that day and the days afterward, but I'm ok with it now. Especially now that I'll get a better looking and feeling scar this time around.



As far as how Addy is going to be I don't know. She knows that baby brother is in momma's belly and she will give him kisses and "loves" (that's what she's doing in his pic). As far as her knowing that there is a new baby that is actually coming to stay and live at her house.... I don't think she has grasped that yet. I'm having a hard time with having her be sad and hurt. I don't want to make my baby girl sad and I cry every time I think about it. We've prepared with gifts and stuff that "baby brother" will give her when she comes to the hospital to see us. So I'm hoping that will help ease this transition somewhat.
Well until next time. :)

The Cordingley's