3 years ago today

As I lay here awake all I can think about is three years ago I did this very thing, but it was to anxiously await my beautiful baby boy that would be delivered via c-section in the morning. Today, oh how I wish today were different. I wish I was anxiously awake planning every last detail of my beautiful boys birthday party that he would celebrate with everyone. Opening presents, giggling, eating way too many sweets, and having the time of his life. I wish. Instead, today, I lay awake wondering if I'm going to hold it together tomorrow. If I will be able to finish making his cake to take with us to celebrate at his grave with him, or if I will break down like I did last year. I lay awake wondering if he would have even liked Spider-man. Maybe he would have liked Batman more, or Superman. I'll never know. I lay awake and wish I didn't close my eyes and have the events from his only birthday party all the way up to the day he passed play in my mind over and over again. I wish I didn't have so many 'what if's' constantly in my head. I lay awake wondering if the party I did plan for him tomorrow is anything he would have wanted. I wonder if he'll be close?? If he celebrates with us? If any of this matters in the hereafter? 

I hope tomorrow is a good day. I hope I can be happy for my little boy that would be turning 3. Hug your babies tight tonight, and wish me luck.