18 months

Today marks another milestone. Not the usual type of milestone that we usually think about when it comes to children. It's been 18 months since my sweet baby boy left this earth. 18 months from the last day that I was in an innocent blissful life. I remember 18 months ago so vividly. I even remember what color of scrubs I wore that day to work. I remember the last meal I made for my baby. In fact, it's still in a tupper ware in our freezer. I can't seem to get rid of the very last thing that my baby tasted. Brock says that he wouldn't be able to eat it if I made it again because it reminds him so much of that day.  It's been 18 months since the last time I kissed that perfect little chubby cheek. 18 months since I nursed him last. It's also been 18 months since I saw that hurt look on his face when he received his flu shot. I wish more than anything that I didn't take him to get his shot that day and hurt him. I found out some more information on why Corby passed from the researcher back at Boston Children's Hospital and that is coming in another post that is a work in progress right now, but I am now aware that his death was inevitable. It was just a matter of when.
I find it quite amazing, though, the feeling I have as I walk around today. My heart feels just as shattered as it did 18 months ago, but I, once again, feel like I am being carried today. I feel of this outpouring love from someone that I can't see. I'm quite certain that my Savior knew that I would need his strength and support today. I feel him, once again, carrying me in my time of need. I am reminded of this poem:

Footprints in the Sand

One night I had a dream.

I dreamed I was walking along the beach

with the Lord..

Across the sky flashed scenes from my life..

For each scene, I noticed two sets of

footprints in the sand,

one belonging to me, and the other to the Lord..

When the last scene of my life flashed before me,

I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

I noticed that many times along the path of my life

there was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest

and saddest times in my life.

This really bothered me 

and I questioned the Lord about it:

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,

you'd walk with me all the way.

But I have noticed that during the most 

troublesome times in my life 

there is only one set of footprints.

I don't understand why 

when I need you most you would leave me." 

The Lord replied:

"My precious child, I love you and would

never leave you.

During your times of trial and suffering,

when you see only one set of footprints, it was then

that I carried you."

by Mary Stevenson

 I know that he is also lifting me and trying to lessen my pain through other people. I have had two seperate people text or message me telling me that they are thinking about Corby today, as well as one earlier this week. I can see one person being a coincidence, but multiple people is a little different. After telling them what day it was today none of them made the connection, but all now know why they were prompted to reach out to me.
I hadn't even planned on today being a hard day, but I guess I don't plan on any of my hard days being hard. I hadn't even realized the day until yesterday when I realized that Ledgyr was 6 months. Then the cascade of thoughts came.... Ledgyr was born almost 1 year to the day after Corbyn died. Ledgyr is 6 months today so tomorrow Corby will have been gone 18 months. He never lived to see 18 months alive, but he has been gone for that long.
I thought that I would be ok through today, but as the night came yesterday I felt the anxiety ever so slowly creep up. Brock took us out for a dinner date to a restaurant that he has been raving about for a while now. I remember looking at the ornery girl sitting at a table across from me and wondering why her day was so horrible. I wondered if the child she was holding in her arms wasn't her first and if she too had more than the one child. That's when I thought about how people look at us and only see 2 children. The thought came that strangers will never know that I have one more child than what it looks like I have. After dinner we went home and I immediately started to clean. That is my way of trying to eliminate my stress or anxiety I have. I think I vacuumed the same area 10 times. For what ever reason I don't know, but I know that it's SUUUPER clean now. Brock even noticed that I was in a cleaning frenzy. I don't think that he put it all together though.
After I left work today I went and visited my boy. I planned on staying for a couple of minutes just talking with him. I decided to take a blanket out of the car and sit next to his grave, but when I laid the blanket down my body collapsed on it and I began to sob. There was a car that drove up next to me to visit another grave and I wonder what the two old men in the car were thinking when they saw me there. I really don't care what they were thinking actually. I was at a cemetery for heavens sake, but it didn't stop me from uncontrollably weeping over my son's grave. I stayed for a really long time and I didn't realize it until Brock text me asking me when I was going to be home. I haven't cried that hard in a long time. I was trying so hard to will myself into the ground and pull his body back up so that I could hold him. Touch him. Feel his soft baby hair. I know in reality I wouldn't want to see his body now, but I don't think about that. I think about the body of the baby I knew. Being there took every ounce of energy I had left in me. I still don't know how to handle these days. I don't even know how to see the signs of when I'm going to have a bad day.
I have had a rough patch lately. That probably didn't help the situation. There has been a lot of death that has surrounded me the last few weeks. On a good note I have been able to give out Corby baskets. One of the deaths was a guy's wife that I grew up with. I didn't know her personally, but in a way we were connected because she too lost a baby boy. I was so unbelievably sad for my friend that he lost a son and now his wife, but at the same time I was envious of her. She is now with her baby in Heaven. Most days I go to sleep still hoping that I won't wake up in the morning. No, I'm not suicidal. I'm not going to hurt myself in anyway, but just like an act of nature took my friend's wife I wish that same thing would happen to me to an extent. I more or less just want this pain and never ending anguish to go away. I see how much her passing has affected her family still here and I know I don't want to do that to Brock and my babies still here on this earth. It has also shown me the reality of it all. Just because you have lost once doesn't mean you are immune from losing again. It really struck a chord with me. I'm terrified that I will lose another child, but I'm also terrified that I am going to lose the love of my life. My rock. My best friend and eternal companion. I asked Brock what he would do if I died, and he sat there for a minute and really didn't know what to say. He then responded with "I don't know- that's not one of those things I like to think about and plan ahead for because it's not going to happen". He has more faith than me. That's why he's my rock. My anchor from not being lost forever.
I wish more than anything that my trial in life didn't consist of knowing this sort of death. I wish I didn't know that my children can die. Every parent has that thought somewhere in the back of their head, but the majority of them never really know the reality of that thought. I wish more than anything I was one of them.
Thank you my friends who reached out to me today. You will never quite understand how much a simple few words can mean to a bereaved parent. It made me be able to continue on in my day with enough emotional energy.