Family pictures

I have wanted family pictures even before Corby passed away. One of my biggest regrets was not biting the bullet and just putting it on a credit card to get them done. I was literally waiting until the next paycheck that I got to schedule them. Corby passed away 6 days before that paycheck came. If I had advice to give any family it would be to not wait. Just get them done. You never know what is going to happen. There is never a good time. We are always too busy or don't have the money or what ever your excuse is. It's just that-an excuse. My excuse has cost me to not have a family picture with Corby, and I kick myself daily for it.
Well when I was talking/crying to my friend Brooke shortly after Corby passed I told her that regret not realizing that she is a photographer. I told her that I wanted to have family pictures done still after Corby passed, but didn't quite know how to incorporate him into the picture. I have literally thought about this for over 18 months now. Wondering what I wanted to do. I am part of an email group of other SUDC parents and months ago I remember someone posting a picture of their son looking down on her rainbow baby. He was faded so as to look like he was a spirit. I loved the idea! The hard part about that is you don't have your child there to pose like that so that you can get a picture. You have to have already taken something like that. I knew I didn't have anything like that of Corby so I knew that when Ledgyr came I couldn't do something like that. I racked my brain and looked through thousands of pictures and videos we have of Corby to see if there was one that we could use of him to incorporate into a family picture of us. We hardly ever had a full body shot of Corby so it was posing difficult to be able to use any of the pictures of him. There are a lot of families that use a framed picture of their loved one and sit that with them for the family picture. I liked that idea, but I didn't love it.

It still didn't make it feel like he was there with us. We have our Corby bear too that has sat in numerous pictures with us already and I knew that was a possibility as well, but it still wasn't enough. Especially since only people that knew the Corby bear existed would know why there was a bear in our picture.

I had decided that I had thought about it long enough and I needed to get something done. Not only because we needed to get a picture with both Corby and Ledgyr in it, but because I don't know when something else might happen. We needed to capture the family we do have right now. I contacted Brooke and told her I was looking at doing family pictures. 

You can visit her site by going here. 

She knew that our situation was very different since she has been with us from the very beginning and she knew we needed something special. We needed to include our boy so that it made us look like a whole family and not just us and then a missing piece. She immediately went to work and asked us for different pictures we might have of Corby. Some of them we had. Some of them we didn't. We set the day to be the Saturday of conference weekend. I thought that was a good day because it would help me hopefully feel Corby there with us. To help me get through a very hard photoshoot by feeling the spirit close that day. 

In our SUDC parent email group the question has come up a few times about what other families have done to include their angel in their family pictures. A lot of the parents were heartbroken, just as I was, to think about getting a family picture done without the whole family being there. All were torn because they too knew there needed to be one taken, but wanted their child there in the picture as well. 

Some people may not think about how a simple family photo can be such a heart breaking thing. When you are missing someone in the picture that will never be part of a picture again it becomes a little more emotional. How do you fill that hole in that family picture where a little person should be sitting or standing? How do you subtly include them without screaming to the world "MY CHILD DIED"? It's more of a process than you may think. Hence the 18 months of contemplating. 

The day came and I was so emotionally overwhelmed I thought several times about calling her and canceling. I didn't know if I was going to make it through an entire shoot and hold my tears back. How was I supposed to smile like I was happy when all I could think about was how Corby won't be there with us? I wanted my son there so bad and it was taking everything in me to put on that smile. Brooke was so kind and told me that at any time we could stop if it got too hard for me. There were several times that I wanted to run away and tell her I was done, but I knew that this needed to get done and it would have only postponed the inevitable. 

As we were searching for a place to take our pictures we walked past several other families taking pictures. They all seemed so innocent. There were babies and little kids running around. There were true smiles on their faces. The mothers were stressed, but not the way that I was stressed. They wanted to get that perfect family picture.  I really hadn't thought about being stressed about something that seemed so small to me now. My truly perfect picture would never happen because my son would never physically be in it. Why would I need to be stressed when I knew perfection wouldn't ever be achieved. I stressed about my emotions. I stressed about the sadness I wanted to hide in my eyes and on my face. 

Brooke wanted to take extra care while taking and editing these pictures and I am so grateful to her for all the emotion and time she put into these pictures. I needed someone to treat these pictures special. To want them to be perfect. She did just that. 

With Mother's Day being today it was a wonderful gift to get these pictures. It was especially wonderful to see these two pictures. 

When she told me they were done and I went to look at them I was at work. I sobbed when I saw them. I was so happy, but so sad at the same time. I was so happy that she captured what she did, but sad because I knew that there could have been so much more had Corby been there. I sobbed because I needed to physically see my boy in the picture with us. I needed to see that he is part of our family. Deep down I know he will always be part of our family, but there are times that I don't feel like he is. He has been gone longer than he was here with us and his memories of him seem to come and go now. I love this last picture that Brooke wanted to take and added Corby's hand in. Yes, mister chunk butt has the same size of hands as his brother had when he was over a year old, but I assure you that is Corby's hand and not Ledgyr's. 

It reminds me of porcelain figurines that my mom has at her house. She started with just the 5 figurines kneeling in a circle saying family prayer when there were just the 5 in family. As we have all grown and gotten married she has added our spouses to the circle. Now that we are having children of our own she has now added each of our children to the circle. Family prayer is special to me because of all the things that my family did it was family prayer on a regular basis. The time of the day that we all came together as a family. Most of the time was spent giggling when we should have been praying, but we were also giggling together. Making memories together as a family. When Corby got big enough he loved to play with his little praying figurine. I'm not sure if during one of the times he was playing with it and carrying it around he broke it, but it got chipped somehow. My mom spent a lot of time with Addy and Corby his short 13.5 months he was here because Brock was going to school in the evenings and I had to work. She saw how much Corby loved that little figurine.  So when he passed away she wanted him to have his figurine and put it in his hand in his casket. That was something that she wanted buried with him. She replaced his figurine with a fresh new one and my nephew has arranged them so that Corby is in the middle of our family circle. That hand picture reminds me of that family circle. Our family circle. 

Another part that I had a problem with was I knew that Brooke wanted to get individual and group pictures of us. I felt guilty when she wanted to get a picture of just me with Addy and then one of just me with Ledgyr. I felt like I was leaving Corby out. So we opted for just one of me and Addy and then one with Brock and the boys.

I wish more than anything that I could see those bright blue eyes and blonde hair in Brock's arms as well. 

Brooke captured Addy's bright blue eyes so perfectly and all I could think about looking at her eyes was the photos that she could have captured of my beautiful son as well. He was so photogenic and had the deepest big beautiful blue eyes. That's actually why we are wearing the royal blue. We call that "Corby blue" now and I wanted to incorporate him in our picture one other way. We wore that blue at his funeral and we wear it on special occasions to help include Corby there with us. 

This was his last haircut from his aunt Shy that he received the Monday before he passed. This picture doesn't do his beautiful blue eyes justice, but you can get an idea.

Here are some more pictures that she took that I am also in love with. 

She is such a beautiful loving little girl. I'm not quite sure where she came from with all her posing and always wanting to be glamed out to the nines, but nonetheless she must be mine since she looks exactly like me! She truly is our sunshine baby. From the minute that Corby passed she has tried to keep the sunshine in our lives. She is always coming up to me and hugging me telling me how sorry she is that Corby passed away. I can tell that she is sad and that breaks my heart, but she still puts on a smile for the rest of us. I fear for the day that she is not ok with her brother being gone and she breaks down. 

Brooke wanted to capture this picture when I was trying to feed Ledgyr while she ran to grab something from her car. I don't know anything more beautiful than a mother nursing her child. I was still nursing Corby when he passed away, and it hurt so much to have that ripped away from me. Having that constant reminder as my milk let down that I didn't have my child there to nurse from me. It was such a comfort to me as well as him. He would melt into me when he nursed because he loved it so much. That was one thing that I yearned for and was so grateful to have again when Ledgyr was born. 

Addy loves her daddy so much. This man is such a wonderful loving father. He is my anchor and the rock to this family. He continues to have never ending faith that our son left because it was part of The Plan when I continue to have more doubts and more questions as to why. He has given me countless priesthood blessings that have comforted me in ways that only he and my Savior could do. I am so grateful for his worthiness to hold the priesthood. He knows when I'm not having a good day by just looking into my eyes. 

Now for this little (big) cheeser butt. He is the true definition of a rainbow baby. He has that glow about him and a sparkle in his eye. He is that promise that there is something good that comes out of a storm. He is always so happy and loving. He loves to give kisses to everyone to show his love. He is very cuddly and not to mention squishy! 

The love that she has for her brother is nothing I have ever seen in a sibling before. She was the same with Corbyn, but I think, just like we all do, she feels like she can't take Ledgyr for granted. She told my mom the other day that we had to lose Corby so that we could get Ledgyr and that breaks my heart that she thinks that. I get it, though, I thought that for the longest time too. She has been talking about how she wants a baby sister now. I can't imagine what she had going through her mind if she thought that we had to lose Corby to get Ledgyr and now she wants a little sister. I tried to correct her and tell her that she didn't lose Corby to get Ledgyr and we won't lose Ledgyr to get another baby. I hope with everything in me I'm not wrong though. As I was reading my scriptures this morning I was reading D&C 6 and one of the verses in there says:

Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not

I have to remember to doubt not, and to have faith in Him. 

Ledgyr kissing his sissy

I absolutely LOVE this picture. Every time I look at it is brings tears to my eyes because she was sent here first because of her strength and love. She came to be our sunshine on our darkest days and to be the love that her brothers need. 

Ledgyr loves his sissy so much and is watching her ALL the time. She was trying to get him to smile and was playing peek-a-boo with him and he was cracking up, but at her and not the camera. I still love this shot though. 

Giving his brother kisses. I feel like he knows what that bear represents. I also feel like that he knows who his brother is. I catch him staring at pictures of Corby and smiling all the time. Just today he was getting fussy in church and the only thing that would calm him down was Brock showing a picture of Corby to him. 

I'm so grateful to have finally gotten some pictures done. I'm grateful for the loving, caring, amazing photographer that we had. If you would like to read about our photographer's experience with our pictures you can read about it here. Thank you for taking the time to read our story and thoughts. Please feel free to read previous posts as well. 

What do I say?

The biggest worry that I had about moving into a new area was having to tell people over and over again that one of my children died. When you meet someone a common question that is asked is "how many children do you have". That question is usually fine because I tell them three and leave it at that. It's the following questions after that one that are usually hard. They ask the ages and so on. Brock and I usually say a girl that is 4, a boy that would be 2.5, and a 6 month old. Some people catch onto the "would be" part and some don't. Some do catch on but pretend that they didn't hear it. Usually the conversation ends quickly after that because it gets awkward and they don't know how to handle the situation after that. Every time-every conversation is just as hard. It's still stings every time. It is something that I dread going to church because of. Going to the park, or just seeing someone outside. I will never leave my son out, but every time I get into a conversation with someone the question I always think in my mind is "what do I say?". Am I strong enough today to go into detail about Corby. Can I handle that conversation today? It has really taken a toll on me lately, but I still put on a smile and act like my life is just as normal as the person sitting next to me.
Ledger had his 6 month well check today with a new pediatrician. I have been dreading today since the minute I made the appointment because I knew that I had to tell him about Corbyn. I was dreading talking to him or his staff about my utter terror to get Ledgyr vaccinated and why. Would he understand? Would he be compassionate or just chalk Corbyn up as another SIDS case and brush it off because that just happens. ( yep people have said that to me) I wanted to, so bad, cancel the appointment and call our old pediatrician and tell her that we will be traveling an hour to her because she understands. She lived our horror right alongside us and gets it. She knew Corby personally from the time he was born and fell in love with him just as we all did. I didn't have to explain to her all my fears because she understood already. I didn't have to talk to her about my dead son and not having any answers because she was the one calling the medical examiner daily for weeks asking her questions and trying to find answers herself. She was the one that went to seminars with Corbyn in mind trying to find some path to go down to hopefully get answers.
I went to the appointment and the minute the medical assistant walked us into a room the first question she asked was about Ledgyr's vaccinations. Through tears in my eyes all I could say was that I would talk to the doctor about that. The appointment was already starting off on the wrong foot. I wanted to run out and not even see the doctor. When he came in it started out fine because he didn't know yet. He asked if there was anything that I or our other pediatrician is worried about with Ledgyr. The conversation immediately went down hill from there, but I had to tell him about Corbyn and my concerns about getting Ledgyr vaccinated. I wasn't strong enough emotionally today to go into detail about it all, and it felt like he was unsure on how to handle the situation anyway. I had just let a bomb off in the room and he wasn't prepared for it. He told me that he was so sorry, but I didn't feel like he really understood. Like he really got the depth of pain that Corby's death has caused. We hurried through the appointment and I quickly left.
All I wanted to do was cry and scream and hit something over and over again until I mutilated it the minute I walked out of that office. I'm tired of this pain. I'm tired of always having that conversation and feeling that sting over and over again. I hate more than anything that I have to have such a horrible conversation. Why me? Why my perfect son? Why can't I be overly excited to move into a new neighborhood and meet new friends without having to have this storm cloud follow me everywhere I go striking lightning bolts at me reminding me of my constant pain? I hate always having to ask myself when a new conversation starts "what do I say this time?".

"How will my dead son come up in this conversation?" "How will I emotionally handle it this time?".

18 months

Today marks another milestone. Not the usual type of milestone that we usually think about when it comes to children. It's been 18 months since my sweet baby boy left this earth. 18 months from the last day that I was in an innocent blissful life. I remember 18 months ago so vividly. I even remember what color of scrubs I wore that day to work. I remember the last meal I made for my baby. In fact, it's still in a tupper ware in our freezer. I can't seem to get rid of the very last thing that my baby tasted. Brock says that he wouldn't be able to eat it if I made it again because it reminds him so much of that day.  It's been 18 months since the last time I kissed that perfect little chubby cheek. 18 months since I nursed him last. It's also been 18 months since I saw that hurt look on his face when he received his flu shot. I wish more than anything that I didn't take him to get his shot that day and hurt him. I found out some more information on why Corby passed from the researcher back at Boston Children's Hospital and that is coming in another post that is a work in progress right now, but I am now aware that his death was inevitable. It was just a matter of when.
I find it quite amazing, though, the feeling I have as I walk around today. My heart feels just as shattered as it did 18 months ago, but I, once again, feel like I am being carried today. I feel of this outpouring love from someone that I can't see. I'm quite certain that my Savior knew that I would need his strength and support today. I feel him, once again, carrying me in my time of need. I am reminded of this poem:

Footprints in the Sand

One night I had a dream.

I dreamed I was walking along the beach

with the Lord..

Across the sky flashed scenes from my life..

For each scene, I noticed two sets of

footprints in the sand,

one belonging to me, and the other to the Lord..

When the last scene of my life flashed before me,

I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

I noticed that many times along the path of my life

there was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest

and saddest times in my life.

This really bothered me 

and I questioned the Lord about it:

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,

you'd walk with me all the way.

But I have noticed that during the most 

troublesome times in my life 

there is only one set of footprints.

I don't understand why 

when I need you most you would leave me." 

The Lord replied:

"My precious child, I love you and would

never leave you.

During your times of trial and suffering,

when you see only one set of footprints, it was then

that I carried you."

by Mary Stevenson

 I know that he is also lifting me and trying to lessen my pain through other people. I have had two seperate people text or message me telling me that they are thinking about Corby today, as well as one earlier this week. I can see one person being a coincidence, but multiple people is a little different. After telling them what day it was today none of them made the connection, but all now know why they were prompted to reach out to me.
I hadn't even planned on today being a hard day, but I guess I don't plan on any of my hard days being hard. I hadn't even realized the day until yesterday when I realized that Ledgyr was 6 months. Then the cascade of thoughts came.... Ledgyr was born almost 1 year to the day after Corbyn died. Ledgyr is 6 months today so tomorrow Corby will have been gone 18 months. He never lived to see 18 months alive, but he has been gone for that long.
I thought that I would be ok through today, but as the night came yesterday I felt the anxiety ever so slowly creep up. Brock took us out for a dinner date to a restaurant that he has been raving about for a while now. I remember looking at the ornery girl sitting at a table across from me and wondering why her day was so horrible. I wondered if the child she was holding in her arms wasn't her first and if she too had more than the one child. That's when I thought about how people look at us and only see 2 children. The thought came that strangers will never know that I have one more child than what it looks like I have. After dinner we went home and I immediately started to clean. That is my way of trying to eliminate my stress or anxiety I have. I think I vacuumed the same area 10 times. For what ever reason I don't know, but I know that it's SUUUPER clean now. Brock even noticed that I was in a cleaning frenzy. I don't think that he put it all together though.
After I left work today I went and visited my boy. I planned on staying for a couple of minutes just talking with him. I decided to take a blanket out of the car and sit next to his grave, but when I laid the blanket down my body collapsed on it and I began to sob. There was a car that drove up next to me to visit another grave and I wonder what the two old men in the car were thinking when they saw me there. I really don't care what they were thinking actually. I was at a cemetery for heavens sake, but it didn't stop me from uncontrollably weeping over my son's grave. I stayed for a really long time and I didn't realize it until Brock text me asking me when I was going to be home. I haven't cried that hard in a long time. I was trying so hard to will myself into the ground and pull his body back up so that I could hold him. Touch him. Feel his soft baby hair. I know in reality I wouldn't want to see his body now, but I don't think about that. I think about the body of the baby I knew. Being there took every ounce of energy I had left in me. I still don't know how to handle these days. I don't even know how to see the signs of when I'm going to have a bad day.
I have had a rough patch lately. That probably didn't help the situation. There has been a lot of death that has surrounded me the last few weeks. On a good note I have been able to give out Corby baskets. One of the deaths was a guy's wife that I grew up with. I didn't know her personally, but in a way we were connected because she too lost a baby boy. I was so unbelievably sad for my friend that he lost a son and now his wife, but at the same time I was envious of her. She is now with her baby in Heaven. Most days I go to sleep still hoping that I won't wake up in the morning. No, I'm not suicidal. I'm not going to hurt myself in anyway, but just like an act of nature took my friend's wife I wish that same thing would happen to me to an extent. I more or less just want this pain and never ending anguish to go away. I see how much her passing has affected her family still here and I know I don't want to do that to Brock and my babies still here on this earth. It has also shown me the reality of it all. Just because you have lost once doesn't mean you are immune from losing again. It really struck a chord with me. I'm terrified that I will lose another child, but I'm also terrified that I am going to lose the love of my life. My rock. My best friend and eternal companion. I asked Brock what he would do if I died, and he sat there for a minute and really didn't know what to say. He then responded with "I don't know- that's not one of those things I like to think about and plan ahead for because it's not going to happen". He has more faith than me. That's why he's my rock. My anchor from not being lost forever.
I wish more than anything that my trial in life didn't consist of knowing this sort of death. I wish I didn't know that my children can die. Every parent has that thought somewhere in the back of their head, but the majority of them never really know the reality of that thought. I wish more than anything I was one of them.
Thank you my friends who reached out to me today. You will never quite understand how much a simple few words can mean to a bereaved parent. It made me be able to continue on in my day with enough emotional energy.

Taking advantage of the grieving

This is more of a venting post.

Before Corby passed the last thing we thought we would ever have to do was think about purchasing burial plots for ourselves at such a young age let alone for one of our children. We didn't have the money to pay for all the costs associated with a funeral as well as plots for Brock and myself as well as Corby. My grandmother graciously said that we could burry him in her plot temporarily until we could afford a permanent resting place for him. Yes, I know about the angel sections at all cemeteries. I didn't want him by himself around strangers so I loved the idea for him to be put in my grandmother's plot. I didn't think about that she already has a headstone for her plot since my grandfather passed away several years ago so that meant that we couldn't do a nice headstone for Corby. I hate the fact that he doesn't have anything other than the marker from the mortuary marking where is beautiful body lay to rest.

Now that we have moved we thought it would be a good time to move him closer to us and where we will most likely spend the rest of our lives. I was shocked when I looked into all the fees associated with just moving him. Just to move him (not including burial plot prices) is close to $4,000!!! WHY?!? Why are there so many "fees" involved!?!? I can rent a backhoe and dig it myself and put his vault on trailer and move it too for heavens sake! The amount of money that we have saved for his headstone won't even come close to covering those fees. It's not like he's a full grown person either. I see now why so many people elect to cremate. It's such an easy way to go and you aren't paying crooks thousands of dollars just to fund their next mansion all because they know you will pay it because you are grieving and only want the best for your loved one. I wish that I could have had enough emotional strength to do that, but I didn't. I still don't. The thought of them doing an autopsy and harvesting his tissue was way more than enough for me to handle. I couldn't think about burning his little body too. 

So now as it stands my baby needs to stay there without a headstone marking that he is even there. I'm frustrated and so upset! I hate how everything costs money now. I hate that the state owns my child. MY DNA! The very thing that I grew inside of me and raised for 13.5 months now can't be touched or moved without signing legal documents and paying thousands of dollars. Thousands of dollars that will take us so long to come up with just so that we can give our child a permanent resting spot next to Brock and I when we die.

PTSD- How real it is!

Anyone that thinks of the army PTSD always comes to mind, and how a lot of soldiers suffer from it after coming back from war. What a lot of people don't realize is that PTSD can happen in anyone. Post traumatic stress disorder-what is it? I remember learning about it when I was in school, but I really didn't quite understand it. After reading a lot of stories from other parents that have also lost children the same way that we lost Corbyn I realized that I have PTSD by what they talked about as happening to them and classifying it as PTSD or diagnosed with PTSD. After realizing that I had it I had to look it up. This is what I summed up from my findings. It's classified as an anxiety disorder. It is relived through intrusive, recurrent recollections, flashbacks, and nightmares. Anyone with a traumatic event occurring that they were in or witnessed can develop PTSD. I never thought that I would have PTSD after Corby passed.  I don't just have it a little, either. It's especially worse when I'm tired or overly emotional. I have the kind of anxiety that cuts you, and shallows your breath. The kind that feels like no matter how hard you try you can't expand your chest enough to ever breath in a full breath.

The other day I was in the kitchen with by back turned and I heard someone behind me and when I turned around I saw Addy standing there in the entrance of the kitchen. I didn't see my Addy, though, I saw a lifeless dead version of Addy and it horrified me. She was pale-grey with purple lips and dark lifeless sunken in eyes. I couldn't help but gasp when I turned and first saw her and I immediately asked her if she was ok and went over to her. She kept looking at me and saying "I'm ok mama. What's wrong?" I had to close my eyes several times before I saw my real baby girl again. I started sobbing shortly after that because of how bad it terrified me. My adrenaline was so high I was shaking. That's been the worst of the experiences I have had so far. Usually I experience anxiety with my children sleeping. The weird part about how I saw her was that Corby didn't look anything like that when I found him. He still looked like he was sleeping. Just like a beautiful angel. Those of you that saw him at the funeral you would agree that he looked like he was just sleeping. He looked that same way when I found him.

Before I had Ledgyr, I would go in and check to see if Addy was still breathing while she was sleeping several times in a night. Every time I would go in the first time I would look at her I would see her dead. Now that I have Ledgyr I see him that same way too. I have anxiety the minute I make the decision that I'm going to check on them until I go in and actually check. Brock has asked me why I go in and check on them? Because if I don't then I will have worse anxiety and think the whole time that what if they are in there struggling to breath and if I would have just gone in to check on them I could have saved them. So I have to check on them. I have nightmares that I walk in to check on both of them and they are face down in their bed just like I found Corby. I dream about picking out caskets and colors of flowers for both of them now. I find myself planning out each of their funerals wondering what I would have at each of them while driving or when I'm left to my own thoughts. Then I catch myself and stop myself from continuing. Most people unintentionally day dream about beaches or other happy times. My grieving mind doesn't immediately go to happy day dreams. It's been traumatized and goes to what it's been used to for the past 542 days.

I even have a hard time at work. It's not as bad as it used to be, but I still have some days where I can't handle it. My office is right next to the phlebotomy area where they draw the children and there is no insulation between my office and that room so I hear everything as clear as day. I would have literal panic attacks when I would hear a toddler crying when they were getting their blood drawn, and I would have to leave my office usually sobbing or I would start shortly after. I finally asked the phlebotomy staff to let me know before they drew a baby or child so that I could leave my office and I wouldn't have to hear it. I talked to my grief counselor about this and she said that I needed to train myself to be OK with it. She told me to start out by staying in there for a few seconds until I couldn't stand it any longer and then leave and gradually work up to ignoring it completely. Most days I'm fine with it now. Every once in a while it still gets to me especially if there is a little boy crying that sounds similar to what Corby sounded like.

Lately, there have been a lot of deaths around me. I find myself in a constant panic attack. There is always this burning sensation that something is about to happen and I can't control it or stop it. Every time I hear of another death my mind goes back to our initial days after Corbyn passed away and I cry. I cry a lot. I hate seeing that there is still death happening around me. I hate that it is a constant thought on my mind. I even look at our dog now and get sad because I know that she isn't going to live forever rather than enjoy the time we do have with her.


PTSD will always be part of my life. I will always have anxiety of losing another child or even my husband. Just like I will always have my grief. It's almost like they go hand in hand. I used to think that this was me slowly going crazy. I had to have my counselor tell me several times that I am not going crazy and that this is all very normal. I hear that it's not as prominent as the years pass, but it will always be there. It's probably a way for my mind to steel itself to the next trauma that happens to me. Yes, I said next trauma. I don't believe that because I lost a child that I am free from having any other trauma or trial happen to me. Will I still try to control it in every way possible even though I did that with Corby and it didn't help? Yes, because that's what gives me the most comfort is feeling like I'm somewhat in control even though I know deep down that it is ultimately His plan.  I know I should probably have more faith that Heavenly Father won't let that happen to me, but I don't. Not yet anyway. I had faith that my children would be safe..... Look where that got me. Yes, I am broken and grieving. Broken into so may pieces and in so many ways. Will I ever be completely whole and fully  repaired? Probably not. Can I be mended? I'm sure I can. Mending anything takes time. Imagine shattering your favorite mug- you don't want to get rid of it because it's always something that you wanted part of your life. So what do you do? You carefully take each piece and glue it back together. It may take you several hours to mend your precious cup. After it's mended you see each and every crack still, but at least the mug is back together. That is what it's like for a parent that has lost a child. Their soul is like your mug. It gets shattered into tiny pieces, and piece by piece they pick them up and try to mend it back together. This takes years and years to mend. Not just a few hours. That's why getting over it is not easy or even really possible. What happens if that mug you love so dearly gets ever so slightly bumped? Because it's so fragile it will most likely break off a glued piece or shatter all over again. This too happens to us. We look whole and fixed on the outside, but even the slightest bump can break us all over again. We will NEVER be the same. I will never be the same. I wish more than anything that I could go back to my un-shattered whole self again that was innocently happy and oblivious to this sort of life and pain. Here I am, though, slowly mending myself and doing the best I can.