Fall

Like so many other people, I love Fall-well loved Fall. I loved everything about it. The smells, the crisp air, the recipes, the clothing, the decorations, the colors in nature, the fall hikes and mountain drives.

 

I loved it all! I looked forward to it every year. Now it's a balancing act day by day. Fall is now also the time that my son died. It's the time of year that I walked out of the ER on a crisp morning after lying my dead son on the hospital gurney wrapped in a foreign blanket and walking out of the room. It's the time that I walked to my car parked in the ER parking lot and looked in the back seat at the empty carseat that will never get filled again. That image is burned into my memory forever. It's the crisp morning that I buried my son.

 It's the time of year that everywhere advertises to get the flu shot when all I see now is that being a death trap. It's now a reminder of me not listening to the prompting for them to not give Corby the shot. It's a stab in the heart that makes my guilt so much stronger. Making the longing and wishing I could go back and change it stronger than ever. Have you ever longed and tried to will so hard to change something? Tried so hard that it has physically made you ache with pain or ill? That's the longing I'm talking about. The pain that accompanies that is the pain that you hurt from the inside out and wish so much that you were dead instead. If you haven't ever experienced such longing I will never wish that on you and hope that you never have to experience it.

I have such mixed feelings with this time of year now. I want to still love all the above stated things. I want to feel like I did on October 1, 2013- happily innocent. I want to be able to be dressing a 4 year old in long pants and shirts. I want to be taking my three kids to see all the fall places. The heartbreaking reality is I will NEVER get that opportunity. EVER.

In my religion we are taught that we will get to raise our children that have passed in the Millennium. So, I have a testimony that I will get to raise Corbyn one day, but the kicker is all my other children will be raised. I won't get the opportunity to raise them all together. I will still miss out on those memories that my children would have created growing up together. This part still hurts so much to think about. I want my children all together, but that will never happen.
As I sat and watched Ledgyr chase Addy around the whole house today I enjoyed watching them making memories and playing together, but then my mind immediately tried to picture what it would look like with a little 4 year old running around with them as well and the ache returned. I feel like sometimes I'm able to picture a glimpse of it, but it fades very quickly.

So now as everyone talks about how much they love this time of year- I wish I was in that same group. All that it is now, is a reminder of what I will never have.

I also have a testimony that everything happens in it's right time. I often wonder why both our rainbow babies are born during the Fall season. It took us quite a few months to get pregnant with our newest rainbow, and had we gotten pregnant when we were first trying this baby wouldn't be a fall baby. Was it extremely hard month after month to see that I wasn't pregnant? Absolutely! This is what makes it hurt even more when people joke about being pregnant when they are not, or tell lies about not being able to get pregnant to cover up their pregnancy. As it hurts so many other women out in the world as well so I know I'm not alone in thinking this way.
I wonder if this is why we weren't supposed get pregnant when we started trying. Is this a way that Corbyn is trying to help lessen the pain and heartache that now accompanies Fall? Is that why I went into labor almost a week past my due date with Ledgyr was because he was supposed to be born as close as he could have to his brothers anniversary of his death? He was born 5 hours shy of October 18, 2014 which is Corby's first "angelversary".

I like to think that he is taking care of his mommy and daddy by doing little things like this. It does lessen the pain because it takes our minds off of his death and puts it on preparing for birthdays instead. The pain is still very much there though, unfortunately.

Party of 5- Your Table is Ready

Who would have ever thought that something as simple as a hostess calling a family with 5 members in it would hurt so much? Tonight it happened to be a trigger. Something as simple as calling the number that my family SHOULD be. 

As Corbyn's birthday approaches I'm constantly reminded of what should have been. I should have a little boy that should be turning 4, but yet all we are able to celebrate is a memory of what once was and what should have been. It breaks my heart that he is slowly becoming a distant memory to us. Just that thought has made the reality of us having a dead child come right back to the surface. We don't even know how to picture a 4 year old. Corby will forever be our little 13 month old. 

Three years ago today- we were celebrating our baby's first birthday as well as his daddy's.

Today- we celebrate his daddy's birthday without him here. 

It still is so painful, and today I feel like it's not fair. 

The 4th Watch

Today 3 years ago I had this smiling at me.

The last few months have been extremely hard on me. I have had more dark days than good days. My never ending days and sleepless nights have been filled with a lot of depression and guilt. I have felt guilty for not being the mother that I want to be for my children because of the loss of my son. I have felt guilty that I didn't listen to the promptings to not let them give Corbyn his flu shot. I have felt guilty that I didn't see the signs of Corbyn reacting to his vaccinations prior to his death. I have felt guilty because I feel so consumed in my grief that I am not the wife that I should be to my loving wonderful husband. I am depressed because I don't have many people surrounding me that understand me and just chalk my actions/ emotions up to me being a stuck up terrible person. I don't feel like I'm someone that people like to be around whether it be because they don't know what to say to me, or my previous statement. I'm depressed because I feel like I can't be myself around people because I am judged from every angle. Whether being myself is quiet and emotional that day, or I'm feeling cheery that day. I'm judged by either- I'm going crazy because I shouldn't be happy, or I shouldn't be acting so sad and emotional after 2.5 years later- to everything in between that. I have become very guarded around everyone, and I'm not sure that will ever change, but I'm sure that is what contributes to how people have passed judgment on me.

After Brock gave me a priesthood blessing a few weeks ago I felt that I needed to get my mind in a better place. Deep down, I knew that my guilt wasn't going to change anything, but it was still overtaking me. All it was doing was making me spiral into a deeper depression. I felt like I needed to listen to, or read something up lifting. It's easier for me to listen now-a-days than read because my spare moments that I do have without children hanging on me is usually spent cleaning, or dealing with other things that need dealt with in our lives. I usually get a lot of my listening done on the two days a week I commute to work. I have a 45 minute one way commute, so that is when I can get a good chunk of listening in. I figured I would try and listen to some General Conference talks, but that wasn't giving me what I needed. I tried listening to the scriptures, but that too was not giving me what I needed. Though they were all still a boost they were not the help I desired. I decided that I would look into the podcasting world. I listen to several podcasts as it is so I figured that maybe something would help me in a podcast. I looked for podcasts for parents that have lost children, but there wasn't really anything that struck my interest. I decided to search "up lifting LDS podcasts". That's when I came across several different podcasts. Some were BYU type devotionals, but some were of certain topics that by just the title looked like it was what I needed to start with. I found a recording titled "When My Prayers Seem Unanswered" by S. Michael Wilcox. I thought that sounded perfect because I was feeling so alone and that I wasn't getting the answers that I was seeking no matter which direction I turned.

3:30 am in the morning and I'm on my way into work-I decide to turn on this podcast. It starts out talking about the usual counsel- read the scriptures. The information that you need-the answers that you need are in the scriptures. I have always known that, but that isn't something that comes easily to me. I've never been the person that opens to a page and, ta da, there's my answer. After Corby passed I did dream of two different scriptures, and when I woke up and looked them up I was in awe and knew that was my Heavenly Father speaking to me. They were the comfort and answers I needed to help me better understand why my son died. I do know that you can receive answers from the scriptures. I believe that so much now that I have had that experience after Corbyn passed. That doesn't mean that I dream in scripture all the time and I receive the answers that I am seeking that way every time. That's where this podcast was an answer to my prayers. Brother Wilcox starts talking about the 6th chapter in Mark and after Jesus feeds the 5,000 He, then, tells the disciples to get into a boat on the Sea of Galilee  and he would meet them later on the shore because he wanted to pray. While the disciples were at sea there was a storm. The disciples kept trying to row, but they were rowing against heavy winds. Wilcox related that to our trials we have in our lives. They rowed 70 football fields length and they were tired, but yet Jesus still didn't come to help. They rowed and toiled and then in the fourth watch Jesus came to help. This was where he walked on water. Wilcox explains that in Hebrew there were four watches. The first watch was at 6 PM-9PM; second 9PM-Midnight; third Midnight-3AM; fourth 3AM-Sunrise. Wilcox explains that our God is a fourth watch God. He comes to us in the last watch not because he wants us to suffer, but because he has faith in us. He wants us to really learn and understand principles and to teach us.

This taught me that some things, answers, we aren't truly ready for when we initially ask them so we must wait until we are ready. Wilcox talks further about this and has some great examples to better explain it.  Some things we need to play out other parts of our lives for us to understand the answer whereas if we received the answer right when we asked it wouldn't make much sense to us or have as much meaning. He's not standing back in the shadows watching us suffer and enjoying it.
I want to bring up a poem that I really like that goes along with Him not standing idly by. It describes how Heavenly Father is there even when we don't think he is.

I have come across some people that don't believe that there is a God. They don't understand how I can have faith and believe that there is a God after he took my precious perfect healthy baby from me. How I can't be so mad and upset at this so called God for taking my son. Therefore how can you have faith that there is a God??? It's the same as I can't explain to you what salt tastes like other than it tastes like salt. I feel carried at times. Other times I feel like I am alone, but I look back and see subtle things that happened to me that shows me that I was not alone and I was being carried. I have felt angry with Heavenly Father, and asked "why me?" several times. I even went through a time that I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't pray to him. He was still there for me during that time, though. Gradually over time I am seeing so many things in my life and I understand "why me". Does it make me feel less sad and shattered? No, but it helps me not be so angry with my so called God.

After the day that I had yesterday I can't feel anything but grateful for a merciful and loving God. Even for the simple, seemingly meaningless things in life. Let me explain about my happenings from yesterday. To start off I kept having the thought, several months ago, over and over again, as I was driving to work for several days in a row that I needed to make sure that everything was squared away if I ever got a flat tire and I had a spare to change it. When I looked into it further I found out that not only did I not have a full spare tire, or a doughnut tire. I also didn't have anything to help me other than a tire pump kit  that would only help for a tire that had a slow leak. So after looking into how much a spare tire kit would cost I was blown away- $300!!! So I started saving up so that we could get one, and didn't look any further into it. I continued to have the thoughts that I needed to get a spare tire in the car, and it was starting to give me anxiety every morning that I drove to work at 3:30 AM- with nobody else really on the road to help if I did get a flat. Well, now I know that those weren't just my thoughts. They were promptings from my merciful Savior. He, just like he did with Corbyn's death, was preparing me for a trial I was about to have, though, a very minimal trial. Thankfully, he was able to make my flat happen after work. Not only that, but it happened right by my parents home and not on the freeway or anywhere else that I didn't have help close by or anywhere to pull over (I live 55 miles from my work...). It also happened on a day that my dad was in town. He is a retired home builder but now drives a large semi so he is out on the road twice a week with sporadic days when he is at home.  Thursdays, he is usually on the road, but for some reason he didn't get called out. I was able to call him and he was able to come take the tire off and take me to the tire store to get it replaced due to there being slice in the tire.

It doesn't stop there. I am so grateful that I was blessed enough to have all those events line up, but what comes next is what was such an answer to my prayers. I was finally in the "fourth watch" in getting some answers that I sought after since Corbyn passed. When we got to the tire store a guy that grew up in my same neighborhood greeted us when we went inside the shop. He recognized my dad right away, but my dad didn't know who he was. Funny thing- he recognized my dad because he said that my dad is the guy with the white hair, mustache, and rides a motorcycle in the neighborhood. He's not wrong- my dad is a very recognizable handsome man. I tried to explain to my dad who this young man (lets call him Brad) was and asked him if he remembered the little baby that died from being backed over by a car. That little baby was Brad's little 18 month old brother. My dad didn't recall that, but when I explained where they lived he could at least pin a home to Brad. I told Brad that I remember when his brother passed, and now more than ever I think about it because I had a baby that died too. He asked me how long ago, so I told him. I then asked him as an older sibling that knew his brother how did that affect him. This has been something that has weighed heavily on my mind since I saw such a heartbreaking change in my precious little two year old's eyes the instant we told her that her brother wasn't going to be living with us anymore, and that he would be living with Jesus now. All  the sparkle of innocence left her eyes permanently that very instant and it was noticeable to everyone in the room. I knew that this would be a life long fight for her as well. I was heartbroken that this little girl had to endure so much heartache and pain at only two years old. On top of it all- not being able to understand why.

I have read statistics stating that siblings that experience a loss of a sibling have a higher chance of dropping out of high school and becoming addicted to drugs. This scares me tremendously. All because of us having to endure the trial of losing a baby she now has an increased chance of falling off the "deep end". Brad told me that for the most part his siblings are all ok. They do struggle with depression and/or anxiety issues, but other than that they are all still a very strong family and are all successful. He didn't notice his anxiety issues until after he was married and had a child of his own. I asked him if he was able to pinpoint that his anxiety was from his brother passing away. He said that he had, and he also confirmed it while seeing a counselor. It gave me some peace of mind to know that he is ok after suffering such a tragic experience. He also gave me his mother's phone number and said that even 14 years later she still talks about it and still grieves. He also stated she would love to talk to me if I wanted to give her a call. That was another answer to my prayers because I have felt so many people annoyed with me because I haven't moved on and gotten over the loss of my son. I have felt like I am doing something wrong and I'm not properly working through my grief. Brad telling me that his mom still grieves and still talks about his brother even 14 years later is such music to my ears. I feel like I will be able to confide in her on several levels. I can ask her how she was able to raise her children to grow into successful loving adults as well as how has she handled her grief for so many years.

All of those events were seemingly small events, but I feel so blessed and carried by my Savior. I know that he is very much part of my life as he is everyone else's lives. Some may say that what I call blessings are coincidences, but I know there are too many things that have happened in my life to know not everything is a coincidence. I know that my Savior prepared me for Corbyn's death several years before he died. That is NOT a coincidence. I know that my Savior prepared my dad with losing Corbyn as well. He was such a strength to Brock and I after Corbyn passed. He was able to have his mind and spirit prepared so that he could be of comfort to us, and give the advice and help that we needed.

After learning that we have a fourth watch, loving, merciful God it has put me at ease knowing that I will find help and the answers that I seek when the time is right. Even if I want answers in the second watch. :) I will be blessed with what I am in need of in the fourth watch, and will receive the help I need to get me to the fourth watch. My Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have faith in me and lovingly want me to learn just as parents want their children to learn before they step in. I know that I have been carried, and continue to be carried to help me endure my trials that I agreed upon before my earthly life. I know not what I truly need to learn from losing my son. I know not what tool I must be for other people by losing my son. I now know that in due time, the fourth watch, I will know all of these questions. Patience and faith is the key.

Hiatus and The Real Face of Grief

I have taken a hiatus from writing for some reasons that I’m still unsure if I should start back up again. I have had so much floating around in my head, and it has made me overly emotional quite often. Feelings have been hurt. Apologies never made, and I doubt they ever will. This time away was spun from me feeling like people don’t care about my feelings. Because it wasn’t a big deal to them means that it shouldn’t be a big deal to me. My grief has been included in that mix. I have had people, close to me including neighbors and friends that have quietly behind my back talked about how I’m not grieving the correct way. There have been plenty of eye rolls, awkward silence, and glances away when my son is brought up, and every single time it still hurts just the same.

I have one thing to say to all of those that feel like my grief doesn’t matter. That my feelings don’t matter. That something that may not have seemed emotional or a big deal to you- I hope you NEVER have to understand. I hope that you will gain your compassion and caring without having to experience such a tragedy in your own life. That the simple word SORRY will be at the edge of your lips to say easily when you know that you have hurt someone. 

I’ve come to the conclusion that if people feel that I’m not grieving properly, or that they are annoyed by me and what I am emotional about then they can ignore what I have to say. Frankly- they can ignore me in person. I don’t care. I don’t need people in my life that don’t care about my feelings. I'm not going to waste my time or energy on someone that doesn’t care about me.

I NEED to write. It’s what helps me wake up each morning and get out of bed. I know that my story is a train wreck and the “rubber-neckers” can’t help but slam on their breaks to look. They are also the ones that have the most to say about their opinion about me. So to those “rubber-neckers”, I’m not here to be the next news story. I’m not here to be your next opinion. I’m here to help me, and to help other people that may be in a similar situation hoping to find some solace in knowing that their feelings are real and matter. I wished that there was a blog or somewhere I could have gone after Corbyn died to read and know that I wasn’t crazy. That all those emotions and feelings are all normal. I didn’t. I have hope that this blog will be that for someone. 

Stay if you would like, but know that sugar coating isn’t my finest trait, and I’m still going to write no matter who stays or not.

Something that is just recent in our lives has put a lot of fear and weight on my heart. The kids pediatrician reached out to the pediatrician that is part of the research that Corby is part of back at Boston Children’s Hospital. She has been with us from the very beginning and she understands our fears of getting the rest of Addy’s vaccinations as well as getting Ledgyr vaccinated all together. There is no proof that the flu shot had anything to do with why Corbyn died. There isn’t set research out there that has statistics showing deaths related to vaccinations. The vaccination injury table clearly states seizures and death as possible side effects. According to VAERS it is also the most filed vaccination for injury. So all of this gives reason for me to think it HAS to have something to do with it. Which brings a whole new emotion and extreme guilt to my baby's death.  I’m going at all of this blindly, and terrified. Our pediatrician worked with this other pediatrician to help come up with some kind of game plan. I met with her and we discussed possible game plans. One of which was vaccinate one vaccine at a time and have them monitored for 24 hours. That all sounds comfortable, but my gut still is saying no. She’s in the process of seeing if the insurance company will cover the 24 hour hospital monitoring. Part of me hopes  that it doesn’t. I know that she won’t force me into anything, but I still don’t think that I’m ready, or ever will be. I'm leaning towards not vaccinating for several reasons and doing some educated research. This post will also help for some people to understand. 

This throws a wrench in our lives, though. Addy will be starting kindergarten this fall, and is not fully caught up with her vaccinations. I’m not sure the fight I’ll have to go through for that.  We have lost our sitter, and daycare centers won’t take Ledgyr because he isn’t vaccinated at all. At least not any daycare that I trust. So where do I turn? What do I do? To me, these decisions are life and death. It may not seem that way for everyone else, but how many people are out there that have had a child die after being vaccinated? I believe those are the only people that fully understand what we are going through. ( I have been writing this post over the last several months... Thankfully since I wrote this paragraph we have had the blessing for Brock to get a new job that he works from home. This has been such an answer to our prayers because we were both so worried and stressed on what we were going to do with our children. I know that my Heavenly Father listens and answers prayers in ways that he feels that we need.) 

I’ve become a recluse these last several months. I feel I’m slowly losing friends because they don’t get it. I don’t want to explain to every person why one day I’m up for casually talking and the next I want to sit inside staring at the ceiling. I don’t want to have to explain why I couldn’t be there for someone every minute of every day when I needed someone there for me every minute of every day just so that I could take full breaths. I shouldn't have to explain my actions nor should I be judged and speculated about WHEN YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!!  Then again if I tried explaining it to everyone how many of them would then quietly eye roll and talk behind my back about how I’m not grieving right, or using it as an excuse? A grieving mother shouldn’t have to face the ridicule and challenges of so many opinions that someone that thinks they know better has. Yes- I’m fully aware that I should try to not let this bother me. I can say that I have done that for 2 years. The last eight months haven’t been so easy for me. I’m tired of fighting my hell every day of waking up and not having my son with me. This trial doesn’t ever end for me. I don’t get to take some magic pill and he will be back. I don’t get to wake up from this nightmare. I shouldn’t have to fight the judgments of family and friends on top of it all. Just because everyone else has moved on with their lives and this isn't so new to them doesn't mean that it isn't just as fresh and raw for me as the day that it all happened. Grief doesn't have a timeline. It doesn't have a process. You don't move from one grief step to the other graduating each step. It's the craziest roller coaster ride that you have EVER seen or been on. You may feel like you are doing great until you turn a corner and all the sudden plummet 500 feet back to ground zero starting from the very beginning with your rawness and emotions. It's just as unexpected for you as it is for everyone else that is on the ride with you. You shouldn't have to explain to everyone else on the ride what in the heck just happened when you have no idea either! 

How many people can say that when someone dies that they are jealous of them? How many people long for the day that they die? No I'm not suicidal. Was I before my loving husband saw the signs and gave me a much needed blessing? Unfortunately, yes I was. Will that be my last? Probably not. I always thought I was doing so well on my "grief journey" that I wouldn't ever reach the point of feeling like jumping out of the car going 80 mph would be a much better option than feeling the pain, guilt, and heartache. Now, I know that I can't discard any emotion or thought that I never thought I would have. Jealousy for the death of an individual is also one of those thoughts that I never thought was even a possibility of thinking about. It's now a constant thought when someone passes. They get to see my son. They get to be with him while I still have to stay. 

A few weeks ago was the first time that I heard one of the songs that was sung at Corbyn's funeral. We were driving in the car and when it came on the radio an emotion overcame me even before I realized what song it was. It was the song that my aunt sang. It’s a beautiful song. I can't remember, but I know we talked about her even changing when it said baby to say mama. I love the song and it makes me feel like my baby is speaking to me. I needed to hear it that day as I felt so down and discouraged. It brought all of the rawness of his death to the surface along with all of my emotions I have been trying to bury, for several months. I am still so raw even 2.5 years later. I still physically get sick, I still physically ache. I still cry uncontrollably-usually behind closed doors. I still get so frustrated wondering why me!?!? I still wonder so many 'what if's'. I still can't take deep breaths more often than not. I still wish more than anything I would have listened to the prompting for the nurse to not give him his shot that day. ALL of it is still just a fresh. 

Now that I'm pregnant with our 4th child doesn't help with the emotions at all. Hormones are crazy enough just by themselves. Adding fear and grief along with those emotions turns it into a complete sideshow of terror! This pregnancy hasn't been any easy one for me. There have been so many times that I thought I was going to lose this baby. We have kept it quiet because of this. It also took us several months to get pregnant so that has also added to the emotion and wanting to keep it quiet until it felt right for us to start talking about it. It has been a sacred subject that we have wanted to keep to ourselves.  We are so excited for this little one to come into our family.We have just recently also found out that we will be adding another little GIRL to our family. Addy can't contain her excitement!  Just as I did with Ledgyr, though, I wonder if she will look like Corbyn. I wonder if this time his blonde hair will be what is passed on to her, or she will get his deep blue eyes.

I can't believe how much Ledgyr has the same facial features and mannerisms as his big brother. Even with the stark black eyes and dark brown hair he still looks so much like his big brother. I can't wait for the day that I give birth and I get to feel my son so close to me again. I miss feeling him so much! I can't wait to hold this sweet little girl knowing that she was just with her brother and she is the closest thing to him.  

13 months 16 days old

Yesterday Ledgyr was the exact age Corby was when he passed. It also happened to be the day the the medical examiner that performed Corby's autopsy called me. I found that kind of ironic. I thought about mentioning that to her, but decided against it. All day I pondered off and on about how everything could be so different. I have constantly wondered how I am going to handle watching Ledgyr surpass the age of his brother. Up to this point Ledgyr has always fit that he is Corby's little brother, but in my mind Corbyn will always be this baby:

I wish I knew what he would have looked like older. Would his hair have continued to get darker? Would his eyes have stayed that deep blue or turned more green like his daddy and mommy's eyes? I will never know in this life. How am I, now, going watch his little brother grow and surpass everything I knew about Corbyn? I have thought all day today about how I have had more days with Ledgyr than I had with Corby. As I laid in bed with Ledgyr this morning I was grateful that I was able to have this morning. 2 years ago I wished more than anything that I had this morning with my blue eyed baby boy. I wished that I could lay in bed and nurse my little boy, and every morning after he passed that I woke up engorged it hurt even more knowing that I will never get that chance. My body was still wanting to nourish my baby, but there was no longer a baby to nourish. Today I was able to snuggle and nourish my brown eyed little guy and I can't even begin to explain how grateful I was to have one more day with him.
Now-how do I handle from now on? First of all- I pray that there will always be a "from now on", but now what? Will I watch Ledgyr every time he hits a milestone that Corby didn't have the chance to reach and have my heart break a little more by having that realization? I don't know. One day I may be ok with it, and another day I won't be able to handle it. I'm mostly waiting for the day that I hear him say "mama". I wonder if he will sound like Corby at all. You better believe I will get that recorded that's for sure! Will I be excited, or cry? Grief is so unknown.
I now look at Ledgyr and see Corbyn so much. The only difference between my two boys is their hair and eyes. If you put blonde hair on Ledgyr and gave him blue eyes he would be Corbyn's twin. Heck, Ledgyr would probably be the exact same size as his brother if Corby was still here! Have I mentioned HE'S HUGE?!?!?!
I am grateful every day that I wake up and my children are still here. I'm grateful for that extra day that I have the privilege of being a mother to my other two children.