13 months 16 days old

Yesterday Ledgyr was the exact age Corby was when he passed. It also happened to be the day the the medical examiner that performed Corby's autopsy called me. I found that kind of ironic. I thought about mentioning that to her, but decided against it. All day I pondered off and on about how everything could be so different. I have constantly wondered how I am going to handle watching Ledgyr surpass the age of his brother. Up to this point Ledgyr has always fit that he is Corby's little brother, but in my mind Corbyn will always be this baby:

I wish I knew what he would have looked like older. Would his hair have continued to get darker? Would his eyes have stayed that deep blue or turned more green like his daddy and mommy's eyes? I will never know in this life. How am I, now, going watch his little brother grow and surpass everything I knew about Corbyn? I have thought all day today about how I have had more days with Ledgyr than I had with Corby. As I laid in bed with Ledgyr this morning I was grateful that I was able to have this morning. 2 years ago I wished more than anything that I had this morning with my blue eyed baby boy. I wished that I could lay in bed and nurse my little boy, and every morning after he passed that I woke up engorged it hurt even more knowing that I will never get that chance. My body was still wanting to nourish my baby, but there was no longer a baby to nourish. Today I was able to snuggle and nourish my brown eyed little guy and I can't even begin to explain how grateful I was to have one more day with him.
Now-how do I handle from now on? First of all- I pray that there will always be a "from now on", but now what? Will I watch Ledgyr every time he hits a milestone that Corby didn't have the chance to reach and have my heart break a little more by having that realization? I don't know. One day I may be ok with it, and another day I won't be able to handle it. I'm mostly waiting for the day that I hear him say "mama". I wonder if he will sound like Corby at all. You better believe I will get that recorded that's for sure! Will I be excited, or cry? Grief is so unknown.
I now look at Ledgyr and see Corbyn so much. The only difference between my two boys is their hair and eyes. If you put blonde hair on Ledgyr and gave him blue eyes he would be Corbyn's twin. Heck, Ledgyr would probably be the exact same size as his brother if Corby was still here! Have I mentioned HE'S HUGE?!?!?!
I am grateful every day that I wake up and my children are still here. I'm grateful for that extra day that I have the privilege of being a mother to my other two children.

Two Years in Reality

Two years ago we buried our baby. I can't believe it's been two years. I still feel like it was that morning that I kissed his cheek for the last time and  his casket before they were to lower it into the ground. I can still feel the hard firm coldness of the casket on my lips. 

The day was brisk, but not too cold. It was beautiful when it was supposed to be stormy. The sun started to peek through the clouds just as we showed up at the cemetery for the graveside service. We released royal blue balloons and I remember I didn't want to let go of my balloon. 

Ironically enough just today was the first time I have seen the pictures from Corby's funeral. I went back and forth for two years about getting them from our friend who was so wonderful enough to take pictures that day. I finally bit the bullet and asked her for them. When her sweet daughter handed me the flash drive that they were on I smiled and said thank you, but my heart sank. Could these pictures really exist? Is this proof that my son is for sure gone? All these questions raced through my head as I casually made conversation. I couldn't look at the pictures right away because I was at work, as well as I needed to catch my breath before I could  muster up enough courage to do so. I decided I would give myself a time limit. I knew if I took my lunch break and opened them up at the start of my break I would spend the whole break crying and I probably couldn't recover from it at that point. So I decided to give myself 10 minutes. That way when my lunch was over, no matter where I was at, I could close them and concentrate on my work. 
As I opened them I remember thinking about how I remember only bits and pieces of that day. I only really remember talking or seeing maybe two or three people. I don't remember any particular conversations. I remember tucking my son in one last time with one of his favorite blankets. I remember Brock putting one of his missionary name tags in the pocket of Corbyn's suit jacket. I remember them telling me I had to say one last goodbye before they closed the casket for the last time.

I remember screaming in my head as they went to shut it "NO WAIT!!" over and over again. Wishing I could climb in there with him. I remember that finalizing sound as he put the key in and locked my baby's casket like he was shutting and locking my heart in a dark dungeon. It had a very distinct noise that I can only describe it as I remember it being like locking of an old age door where you put the key in to lock it as well as unlock it. It was so finalizing. It could have all been in my head, but I remember looking over as the funeral director did it and to me it had a clicking sort of sound. 

One thing that I remember very clearly was how I tried to hold it together. I thought that I had done very well. That was the only thing that surprised me when I opened up the pictures. There weren't very many pictures of me sobbing, but in almost every picture I am physically frowning. 

I had no idea that I even could frown- let alone that I was doing it. My emotions didn't need to consist of crying. I had done that enough for the last 10 days- I probably didn't have any tears left anyway. Instead my face showed more emotion than I ever thought it did, or ever could. All those same emotions are still so fresh to me. It's still a very real part of my life. It's still a life that I live. Every. Single. Day. Now, two years later, it's a life that stays hidden from most people, on most days, because it's not accepted. I yearn for someone to ask me about my "other life". About my son that is not seen nor heard. I yearn to hear someone say his name and want to talk about him. That's one thing that I wish I could go back to two years ago because two years ago every second was about Corbyn. His name was said over and over again and people were there for him. They were remembering him. For some reason, now it's awkward for people to remember him. To talk about him. To even say his name. 

These two years have been the hardest two years of my entire life and I'm still not sure how I'm going to make it through the rest of my life. I miss my baby so much.  Still to this day I get physically sick to my stomach from my unbearable sadness because I miss him so much. How has it been two years since I saw my child? How have I got up each day? HOW? 

I want to give a special thank you to Whitney Cahoon with Cahoon Studios for taking these pictures for us and capturing this emotional day. We will be forever grateful for what you have done for us.  

Day 26 – GRATITUDE

Day 26 – GRATITUDE One of the greatest and powerful keys to unlocking the door to healing is having a sense of gratitude in your everyday life. It might seem ridiculous to be grateful when your grieving but if you can start practicing a little gratitude everyday, you will start noticing a difference in the way you feel about your life. So what are you grateful for today? You can list as many or as little things as you want. Think about making this a new ritual for you to practice each morning.

I'm grateful to have the opportunity to call Corbyn mine. I'm grateful for my loving wonderful husband that puts up with my crazy ups and downs. I'm grateful for my Minnie-me and her smile that lights up a room. I'm grateful I had 411 days with Corby. I'm grateful for Ledgyr because, let's face it, he wouldn't be here right now if Corby hadn't passed away. We didn't plan on getting pregnant with another child until summer 2014 (we got pregnant with Ledgyr in December 2013 and Corby passed October 2013). So who knows if his little spirit would have come to our family if my arms weren't aching and empty. I'm grateful for the wonderful understanding job my husband has as well as how loving and understanding my work and coworkers are. I'm grateful for the beautiful home we are able to live in to continue to grow our family when we are ready. I'm grateful for all of the supportive understanding people in our lives. I'm grateful for technology so I was able to chronicle Corbyn's entire life through pictures, videos, and email diaries. I'm grateful for my testimony of eternal families. I know that doesn't do a lick of help while I'm alive, but that faith that I will see my son and be with him again someday is sometimes the only thing that makes me put one foot in front of the other. I have to remind myself of all the things I'm grateful for on a daily basis or I would continue to dig myself into a dark hole. I would like to believe that as I focus on the positive still left in my life that I can slowly glue myself together. 

Day 24 – CHOOSE YOUR BREATH

Day 24 – CHOOSE YOUR BREATH

Conscious grief work is so important if you want to create a beautiful life after loss. Have you ever sat down and really thought about where you are in your grief journey? Have you ever paid attention to your inner thought patterns? Are you stuck? Are you comfortable? Are you peaceful, angry, frustrated, hopeful? What are you feeling? Why are you feeling that way? Where do you want to go next? How will you get to that place? Are there any changes you could make in your life that would benefit your grief journey? When you start exploringthe landscape of your own mind you begin to become aware of your thought patterns and you get to understand your grief more.  Share your own grief discoveries. Do you feel hopeful for your future? Do you believe that grief and healing can co-exist?

Somewhere inside of me I believe that grief and healing can exist. As of right now I'm not sure how. I'm only two years into this journey and I am working very hard to try and find some healing. Some days I can go about my day and function. Other days it takes everything in me to remember to put on a happy face. 

I have thought about where I'm at in my grief journey. I'm still raw. It's still new to me. It still hurts just as much as it did the day it happened. I don't let everyone know all of this because I already am getting the eye rolls and the unfollowing of friends on Facebook that have passed judgment that I should have moved on by now. It's obvious who those people are and they are the people that make the bereaved stay silent and not want to talk about it. 

I feel like my inner thought patterns are in a healthy place. I don't spend sleepless nights awake wondering "what if's" anymore. Most days I don't wonder if somehow I missed something about him that could have caught him from passing away. The one thought that I still have a hard time with is if his flu shot had anything to do with it. I'm nervous for me to get my flu shot that is mandatory for my work. I'm not scared of passing away. In fact, I would welcome it. I'm scared that somehow it's going to affect Ledgyr because I'm breastfeeding him. With my medical knowledge my mind says that he will be fine. My mind also said that Corby would be too and I was protecting him from getting the flu and dying from that. Now I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm stuck there. I'm not sure how long I'll be there, but for now I'm not trying to force myself. 

My roller coaster is still very up and down. I will have days of peace and then other days of a lot of anger and frustration. I don't expect to be in an only peaceful state right now or any time soon. I don't have a lot of expectations because there is so much change all the time. I ride the wave and will let it take me to shore. 

Where do I want to be? I would like to be in a place that when I think about my son I smile and feel happy. I want to talk about his memories and not cry every time. I know that won't happen tomorrow nor do I expect it to. 

I have an entire lifetime to pave the way on my journey. I'm not in a rush and people that think I should be aren't worth my energy to keep them in my life. I hope they never have to understand because the only way they will is by experiencing a loss themselves. I don't ever wish that on my worst enemy, but for me I need to change that in my life to help me. I need to not feel like I'm constantly being judged on how I'm grieving. 

There was a post that I didn't get to writing due to it being on Ledgyr's birthday that was about secondary losses. I thought about any secondary losses and I have lost people in my life who before losing Corby were in my life. One bit of advice that my grief counselor gave me was to not waste my precious energy on trying to keep someone in my life that isn't making an effort to stay there. I need to focus my energy to keep me afloat. It is a loss to lose them, but I have also gained a lot of wonderful people in my life who understand or try really hard to try to understand. I've come to understand that is merely part of my journey and I can't focus on only that if I want to move in the right direction. 

Day 23 – LOVE LETTER

Day 23 – LOVE LETTER

 Today take some time to write a love letter. This letter can be written to anyone you like. Maybe it is a letter to yourself, a letter to a friend or family member. It could be a letter to your children or maybe an open letter to other bereaved people guiding them towards healing and beauty. Be as creative as you please.

To my children,

I have dreamt about each of you from the time I was a child myself. I have always wanted to be a mother. I remember holding a fake baby and laying it on my shoulder walking around and letting it "sleep" for so long that my low back started to hurt.  I loved taking care of my cousins that were babies. When your daddy and I got married I was so excited to be taking all the steps in my life to be bringing you into this world. I knew I needed to finish my schooling, but I wanted you so bad. I dreamt about being a mother of my own children all the time. When I had each of you I couldn't  believe how fiercely my love was for each of you. It only grew as the days passed that I had the opportunity to raise you. 

Addyson, you have been such a sunshine in our lives. You make me laugh every day. You have such a sweet little tender heart too. Your feelings get hurt so easily, but yet you show no fear. You will light up a room and make everyone laugh with being silly or some kind of joke. 

Corbyn, my angel, you were my angel baby even before you passed. You were such a good baby. You loved everyone and had this perfect glow about you. I have had the most intense love for you the minute I found out I was pregnant with you. I felt like I had to protect you. Like I already knew that something was going to happen to you and I needed to prevent it. You were my cuddle guy. If I or someone else wanted to cuddle you they could and you would stay right there. You showed your love for your mama through giving me kisses. From a very young age you would grab my face and pull it towards you and give "kisses". You only would give me kisses, but I loved it. The day you left shattered me. The intense love that I had for you my grief mirrored it. The intense longing I have for you is indescribable. I understand why you were always so quick to hit your milestones. You had things to do and see that you couldn't stay put. I love you so much!

Ledgyr, my rainbow, my support. You have such a special job on this earth and you are living up to every bit of it. You truly are a rainbow after the storm. Your eyes are almost black, but yet they sparkle with beauty and happiness. You hate to see anyone sad and will try to see what's wrong. I was crying on the floor in the laundry room last week- you found me and knew just what to do to make me smile. You are your own person, but yet you have so many similarities as your brother. You came into this world at the perfect time. Just 5 hours short of your brother's angel day. It has been a blessing for me to focus on something good instead of reliving the 18th over and over again. I'm grateful for your little body and joyful spirit that you bring to our home. 

I know that I would not be the woman I am today if it weren't for my three children. They have made me become a better mother, sister, daughter, and friend. I'm forever grateful to my Heavenly Father for allowing me the opportunity to raise some of his choicest spirits. My grief has made me realize that more. It has made me be compassionate and understanding of people. My grief has molded me into someone I didn't think I could become.