His voice

There are days that when Ledgyr makes his sounds I think that he sounds like Corby. Then I start to think about if I really remember what my boy sounded like. Do I really remember or is it my mind playing tricks on me-making me think that I can remember? I miss his voice. I wonder what it would be like now. I wonder how big he would be now. Would his brother almost be as big as him? (Ledgyr is HUGE) To give you an idea of huge here is a picture of Corby at 9 months and one of Ledgyr at 9 months in front of the same TV stand. (It's been painted)

Today I'm angry. I'm having a really hard day today. I'm angry that my baby doesn't get to grow up. I don't get to watch my baby grow up and listen to his voice grow and change as he gets older. Today I want it all back. I don't want to be living in my life. I want to choose someone else's life for a day. There are so many little things that people take for granted. I miss those little things the most. I miss cuddling him and kissing his soft little cheeks just after he woke up. 

I miss his 'cheeser' smile. 

 I hate more than anything that I didn't get the chance to record his little voice calling me. He had just started saying mama two days before he passed.

 I miss his little drunken walk he had. 

I miss listening to him breath. I miss him pounding on my chest because my milk wouldn't come in fast enough for him when he would nurse. I miss his little shriek he would do when he played with his daddy. I miss his "words" he would say.  

I miss watching him eat. I loved watching him eat. He was the cutest little eater!

I have such anxiety that I'm going to forget him. That all of the memories that I didn't record will be gone. I repeatedly rack my brain on a daily basis trying to remember things about him. It feels like he was a dream. A figment of my imagination and I feel like if I don't wake up from this nightmare to write down my good dream I'm going to forget it all, but I seem to not be able to wake myself up from this nightmare. 

Someone in our SUDC email group asked what everyone's child's favorite book was. I had to think about it for a minute, but it brought back all sorts of memories. One's that are bitter sweet. I still get very emotional thinking back. I have minor panic attacks going through my pictures in cronilogical order and when I start scrolling close to the dates that he passed I panic and want to make that time frame go away. I usually scroll fast through there or stop looking completely. 

Corby didn't have a favorite book, yet, since he was so young. We have this farm book that's a touch/learning type book. That was the first book that I remember reading to Corby. I would go through all the pages and do the sounds of the animals and let him feel the different textures on each page. He wanted to read it over and over again, and after a few times he started copying me when I would make the quacking sound for the ducklings. That's what this video is of. He went around the house for two days after "kaking".

One of the reasons that we chose the mortuary that we did was because it had birds flying painted on the wall in the room that the viewing would take place.  All I could picture was him pointing up at them and saying "kak kak kak" very excitedly. We still talk about him "kaking" all the time. I wish I had more memories of silly things he said or did as he got older. I wish for so many things. I wish it were all different. I wish I had my miracle and I still had my son. I wish I had answers. 

Please don't take your children for granted. You have the chance to soak it all in. You have the chance with your child. Record all that you can. Kiss them. Tell them how much you love them. ALL. THE. TIME. I don't get to tell my baby that I love him as he's physically standing in front of me. I wish I could.